When people ask me what is necessary in order for a mediation to be successful, my response is “a willingness to cooperate and negotiate in good faith.” These are words of wisdom from my mediation mentor. If the people who walk into my room have even a modicum of intention to that purpose, mediation is possible. Without it . . . well, you know.

Prior to mediation, couples do not have to have agreed to anything, see eye to eye on the issues or necessarily want the same things. What they do need is an intention to work together, plain and simple. When they do, magic can happen.

However there are times when it becomes clear that one (or both) of the parties may be participating either in a disingenuous or self-serving way. In that case, the possibility to create a mutually agreeable outcome is rather slim.
 
“Hoist with your own petard” is a really an interesting expression, peculiar in that most of us have no idea what a petard is and why would we hoist ourselves with it once we did?! Moreover, what could this possibly have to do with mediation?
 
Let’s start with the definition: Webster’s dictionary defines petard as 1) a metal cone filled with explosives, fastened in ancient warfare to walls and gates and exploded to force an opening (in other words, a bomb); and “hoist with (or by) one’s own petard” is to be destroyed by the very device with which one meant to destroy others. In other words – a sort of self- sabotage. In either case, it is a self-destructive venture that unfortunately, is not often seen as such at the time.
 
In my mediations, I’ve seen this phenomenon from time to time. Perhaps in an attempt to gain control of a situation or when we feel that our security is at risk, a knee jerk reaction can be to hurl any threat or do whatever we deem necessary to get our way and preserve what we feel is rightly ours. And in that attempt is often a risk to our own security (financial and otherwise) and well being. Thus, we hoist ourselves by our own petard!
 
A case in point is a mediation I had with a couple a few years ago who I will call Jason and Jill. They had three children with the oldest one having severe special needs. This had put a particular strain on their relationship. I believe this marriage would have ended regardless, but the stress of coping with the requirements for their children, especially the special needs child, and their different approaches to dealing with the disability, probably precipitated the end sooner than later. The pressure on both of them was palpable and I could see that Jason was really having a hard time dealing with his daughter’s disability.
 
Jason was desperately trying to hold onto the house, which he could ill afford. He didn’t want to sell it because it infuriated him that he would not be able to recoup his investment due to the housing recession – a situation many couples are facing these days. The reality was that in holding onto the house, he would be “house poor” so the need to explore other options was important. Jill was planning to move in with her parents who could assist with the care for the children. However her name was on both the mortgage and the deed so she had a vested interest in the decision about the house.

Jason’s upset and anger over the situation was causing him to lose sight of so many things. He refused to discuss maintenance, claiming that he had no money to “pay her,” but were he to consider other options for the house, relieving himself of the financial burdens of the mortgage and utilities, he could provide the maintenance Jill needed.

Clearly Jason had his own idea about the outcome of the mediation and I was beginning to sense his resistance to anything that did not coincide with that idea. I suggested that we explore the possible options for the house to see which might have the least ill effect on both of them. He balked but Jill wanted to develop some strategies, so on the board went the following options:

• Short sale the house.
• Allow the house to go into foreclosure.
• Consider a renter to share the house with Jason for a period of time to assist in paying down the mortgage. Then, incorporate a time frame at which point Jason would refinance the house in his own name.

With these options defined, I encouraged them to consult with a real estate attorney who could advise and guide them about which approach (or possibly another one that we did not consider) would ultimately benefit them both.

Jason would hear none of it. He said all of this was a waste of his time, he didn’t have the money to hire a real estate attorney and moreover he knew what needed to be done. He would just hold onto the house, do whatever he had to do to keep it and take his chances in court.

I attempted to explain all the potential liabilities of litigating (the time it would take, the money it would cost, etc.), but he was either unwilling or incapable of seeing beyond his own immediate self-interest. By doing so, he put so much at risk not only for himself but especially for their children, which results in everyone being hoisted by his petard!
 
When you come to mediation, simply bring your intention to work together, and leave the petards at home!
 
 

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it. Please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Modification Of The Agreement

 
During the mediation couples will often ask: “What happens if we want to change something in our Agreement once the divorce judgment has been signed – how do we do that?” This is a great question. After all, although the Agreement is somewhat static, life is fluid and circumstances change.

One of the provisions many couples include in their original Agreement is to return to mediation together to resolve these issues. This is a lot less costly than trying to litigate and attempt to resolve in court. After all, they worked things out together in mediation, why not continue in that process if there is a need to modify the Agreement in the future?

In my experience, two of the most common modifications that may need to be made have to do with child support and/or the parenting plan.

Child Support

With respect to child support, we address a recalculation of it in the Agreement so that going forward, the original amount is either adjusted for inflation (for example, using the annual CPI) or accommodated by having the couple exchange tax returns every year, or every other year, to accurately reflect the real earnings of the parties.

But what happens if:

• There is a change in circumstances?
• One of the parents loses their job or has to take a significant pay cut?
• One parent gets a promotion and along with that a requisite raise with a bonus?
• There is a change in residential custody?

Because changes often occur either with the income of the parents, the expenses of raising the children or the residence of the children, many couples agree to modify the amount of the child support contained in their original Agreement.

The Parenting Plan

The other common modification I see has to do with the parenting plan. If a couple has very small children, the plan they put in place while the children are in daycare is quite different than the plan they will establish once the children start school. And let’s not underestimate the changes that will likely occur with a parenting plan that was created for pre-schoolers or elementary school aged children, when those children become teenagers!

If there is a shift in custody, where the children are now residing with the parent who was the non-custodial parent in the original Agreement, then, of course, a new parenting plan needs to be established.

No matter what circumstantial change may occur, mediation is the most sensible process within which to make the mutually satisfactory modifications to the original Agreement. This ensures that the modifications will not disrupt the harmonious intention and continuity of the family.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

The Post Separated, Single Parent . . . Couple

Part II

 
When crafting a parenting plan, the most important consideration is that the children have as much access to both parents as possible. Research strongly suggests that children who are co-parented by loving, involved and cooperative parents are significantly impacted in a more positive way in both the short and long term. They become happier, more confident, and well adjusted adults. This just makes sense.

If the couple has worked out a joint custody arrangement (joint decision making) with one parent being the custodial parent (CP) and the other being the non-residential custodial parent (NRCP), the challenge is how to create a balance of shared time with the children.
 
This is not only crucial for the children, but also for the parents. And it is especially true if the NRCP has been extremely involved in the day to day lives of the children. The very thought of not being there every day to tuck the kids in at night or have breakfast with them before school can be particularly disconcerting.
 
Working in substantial time for the children to be with the NRCP is key for a number of reasons. For the CP, he or she may soon find that being a 24 hour parent is both physically and mentally exhausting. Soon enough, the idea that the NRCP will be picking the kids up on Friday at 6:00 and bringing them home on Sunday at 7:00 starts to sound like a brilliant concept! If the NCRP’s work schedule is such that access to the children during the weekdays is limited, any block of time he or she will have with the children will be that much more significant.
Two of the central factors that parents need to reflect on when working on their parenting plan are the ages of the children and the parents’ schedules (work and otherwise). For the most part, this will guide the calendar more than anything else. Additional factors may include: the maturity of the children, consideration of their individual needs and desires (if appropriate) and most importantly, honoring the relationship they have with both parents prior to the separation.
 
Before the separation, both parents, dwelling in the marital home together, tend to make all the day to day decisions about the children without realizing they’re doing it:

• What afterschool activity does Jack have today and who is going to be home to pick him up?
• What birthday gift has to be purchased for Jennifer’s friend’s party this Saturday and who is going to shop for it?
• How are we going to get Jack to his soccer game and Jennifer to her party and what does the pickup schedule look like?
• Who is going to work on the science project with Jennifer and who will make sure that the math tutor is secured for Jack?

These, and so many more decisions are made every day while cleaning up the kitchen together, working side by side raking the leaves, or by text message/phone call when parents are working during the day. Now, in a post-separation world, they will have to figure out how to continue to make those “joint” decisions for the children while living apart.

For every couple, there are infinite varieties of plans they can work out together and I’ve seen couples come up with an amazing array of possibilities. For example:

• One parent works a midnight to 9:00 am shift and can be available for the children after school until the other parent comes home from work.
• The NRCP works a regular schedule and can only be available several nights during the week for dinner with the children, with the possibility that one or more of those evenings can be an overnight.

There is no “one size fits all,” so by working together, we can tease out all kinds of options until we create a workable arrangement that provides as much access as both parents need and desire. Mediation offers the forum to craft flexible and creative schedules that reflect and satisfy the needs of the entire family.
 
Bear in mind that creating a united front to the children will be very important here. Once the plan is in place, it may take a little time for everyone to get used to it. Although tweaking it may come in time, we know that children can be wily and sensing discord between their parents, can easily manipulate and exploit a situation to their advantage. Therefore, a common parent narrative (what you agree to tell your children about the parenting plan), the ability to be open to adjustments if necessary and appropriate, and most importantly, the intention to create a practical and effective plan that works for both the parents and the children is not only an attainable goal but imperative to the success of your post-separation family arrangement.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Part I

You’re probably wondering what this title could possibly mean. It is unusual, but accurately describes what actually goes on for most couples parenting their children in a post –separation world. And because of that, I thought it worthy of closer examination.

I find in my mediations, that many couples choose joint custody (joint decision-making) with one parent being the residential custodial parent (where the children reside most of the time). Before we explore this concept, you may want to refer to my article “Child Custody Arrangements” where I give a detailed explanation of the various custody arrangements in New York State.

When we work on a joint custody co-parenting plan, the bulk of the time spent with the children naturally falls on the residential custodial parent. After all, when the children wake up in the morning, it’s that parent who gets them up and ready for school or camp; when the children come home, there are usually extra curricular activities to run to like soccer practice, tutoring or some other after school pursuit. The children have homework to do, school projects to work on, dinner to eat, showers to take and then wind-down before bed time. I’m exhausted just writing about it!

The residential custodial parent is usually the taskmaster, homework nagger, referee of sibling disputes, cook, clean laundry producer, computer fixer, taxi and all around authority figure. When spouses live together, they share in all of these responsibilities. However, now that they are living separately, a new plan must be constructed to include the full participation of both parents, not only to ease the burden on the custodial parent, but for the welfare of the children as well.

I point this out because I have seen times when, during the heated debate about the separation, the custodial parent may threaten the non-custodial parent about access to the children. Aside from the fact that children should never be used as pawns in the negotiation (for all the obvious reasons), I don’t think it occurs to the custodial parent what life will be like being a “single” parent morning, noon and night, day in and day out. It doesn’t matter how much you love your children, parenting is tough business. While this may not feel burdensome at first, being the “on site” parent creates enormous pressure, and eventually, the need for a break will be essential.

Despite mapping out a weekly and monthly schedule that provides as much balance in the co-parenting as possible, the lion’s share of the time with the children still seems to fall on the custodial parent. The task at hand is thinking through a parenting plan that allows for as much shared day to day responsibility as possible within the constraints of the living arrangements. This is where mediation really is instrumental.

And so the title of this article: The post-separation, single parent….couple. Parents will always be parents and as such, the post–separated single parent will still be part of a couple as they co-parent their children.

BUT there is still that sticky issue of the custodial parent feeling like they are left holding the bag on everything as if they were a single parent. Stay tuned for part II.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

If you have questions about Separation and/or Divorce Mediation,

or the Mediation Services provided by Ada Hasloecher and The Divorce and Family Mediation Center -

Please Call (631) 585-5210 Today

A Tale of Two Families
(Or – do I have to divorce my ex’s family too)?

 How often do we hear the lament of the grandparents who now have limited access to their grandchildren as a result of their own children’s vitriolic divorce? What about the nieces and nephews who once had a close relationship with their aunts and uncles? Clearly, a couple’s separation can affect more than just the parties themselves and their own children.

 One of the beautiful things about choosing to mediate instead of litigating your separation is that it allows you to create the possibility of expanding your options rather than limiting them. In a mediated setting, you and your spouse can craft an agreement that benefits both the immediate family as well as the extended family.

 Let me share two different tales with two different endings:

 I have a friend, Gail* who went through a divorce many years ago. At the time, she and her husband, Bill* did not have children but her brother and sister-in-law did – three young ones. Gail and Bill were very close to the children. In fact whenever the families were together, the kids were all over Bill. He played games with them, gave them horseback rides and generally spent more time with them than he did with the adults. The children adored him.

 When Gail and Bill split, it was one of those divorces that was not going to end with them staying friends with each other. They did not mediate their separation but rather litigated it. In the middle of all the business of separating, no one was thinking about how Bill’s departure was going to affect the children. They kept asking about him and when they were going to see him. Although Bill loved those kids, he moved on with his life, apparently not taking them into consideration. Gail was terribly upset for the children and had a hard time explaining why Uncle Bill was not coming to see them anymore.

Gail’s sister-in-law finally took the matter into her own hands and called Bill. She told him that he had to come and see the children – that the kids were devastated by his disappearance. He agreed to come and attempted to bring some closure for the children (two of them were very young), but he never stayed in touch with the family after that. To this day, 25 years later, the children, still mention him with fond memories and a sense of loss.

My second story involves a couple I mediated.

Jack* and Jill* had three very young children when they came to see me. Jill was very angry about the separation and it was a difficult mediation. Jill was a working mother and although they agreed to a joint custody arrangement, she was going to be the residential custodial parent. She had many concerns about managing the children and whether or not she and Jack could truly co-parent them once they were no longer living under the same roof. The one thing they did agree on was their love and concern for these young children. They wanted the best for them and knew that two involved parents would ensure their security and safety.

They worked out a very good parenting plan together – agreeing to be flexible with each other within a framework of specificity on important holidays. The key to a good plan is intention and then implementation. They intended to be good parents to the children and put into place a plan that would ensure this. Having said that – it was still a challenging mediation and although I had high hopes for them as the anger did abate over the course of the mediation process, there is always a concern about whether a couple will be able to effectuate their plan.

A year later, I received a call from Jill. She thought I would like to know how well things worked out for them. She told me this story: The previous weekend was Memorial Day weekend. In their plan, they had agreed that Jack would have the children for that weekend in the even years and he was planning a family barbecue. The week before, Jack called Jill, inviting her and her family to join them! She said it was just wonderful. Everyone was so happy to be together – the grandparents and the children especially. In this case and in so many others, a separation for the couple did not have to mean the end of extended family relatedness.

The moral of the story? Mediation creates a space for unlimited positive possibilities to occur.

 (*Names have been changed)

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Parenting Plans

One of the most important issues that parents work on together in Mediation is a post-separation parenting plan. Regardless of which type of custody arrangement they choose, most do agree on joint custody which means joint decision making on all the important issues for the children. These include but are not limited to the children’s education, religious instruction, extracurricular activities, their health and well-being.

When it comes to working on a post-separation parenting plan, one of the first topics addressed is the plan that was followed while the couple was still living together. The optimum situation is to stick with that plan which ensures continuity for the children. However, with the parents living in separate homes, it may not be feasible to continue that plan in quite the same way.

Because the children’s after school activities can create an ongoing conflict for the parents, putting in a detailed parenting plan is really important. If it is established that one parent will be the residential custodial parent, that parent is usually more attuned to the children’s schedule which includes after-school activities, recitals, sports, etc. By keeping the non-residential custodial parent in the loop, it ensures that that parent knows about these very important events in the child’s life, and can be available for them.

Being flexible for pickups and drop offs and showing your children that you can be amicable and civil after the split will go a long way toward proving that both of you will always be there for the kids in important and meaningful ways.

At all costs parents must avoid putting the children in the middle as either messengers or go-betweens. When the situation between the parents is particularly emotionally charged, it is sometimes easy to forget that the children are the innocent bystanders. Giving the child a message for the other parent, asking the child to hand over the child’s support check, or making a careless negative remark about the other parent to the child or within earshot of the child are some of the ways that parents can unintentionally drag the child into the middle of the adult conflict.

Working through these issues in Mediation allows the parents to create a plan that makes practical sense and guarantees a successful co-parenting structure that will hold the entire family in good stead.

Ada L Hasloecher
Divorce Mediator / Center Founder
Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210
eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

While we go into great detail about this issue during a Mediation, here is a general overview of the various types of custody arrangements.

For child support purposes in New York State, a child is still considered un-emancipated until the age of 21. The few exceptions to this are if the child marries after 18, joins the armed forces after 18 or works full time after 18 (not including a part time job while they are in college). If a child is still enrolled in a 4 year college and graduating at age 22, parents can opt to continue paying child support until the child graduates.

There are several types of child custody arrangements that parents who are separating can choose from when deciding what is best for them and the children:

• Joint Custody
• Residential Custody
• Split Custody
• Sole Custody

Joint Custody:

Joint Custody means joint decision making. The parents decide together on all the major issues around the children’s education, religious instruction, extracurricular activities, health and well-being, etc. – regardless of where the children primarily reside. This is an important distinction because many couples confuse this with split custody.

Joint Custody with Residential Custody:

Many couples, who choose joint custody, often choose one parent to be the residential custodial parent. In this situation, the children will reside more than half the time and usually the majority of the time, with one parent. Routine day to day decisions, however, are made by the parent who has the children on that particular day. Many couples who work things out in mediation often choose joint custody with one parent as the residential custodial parent.

Split Custody:

Split custody can be seen in two ways:

• One is where the children live fifty percent of the time with one parent and fifty percent of the time with the other.
• The second type is where one child lives with one parent and one child lives with the other parent.

Though more unusual, Split Custody is not impossible to implement.

In cases where the children are older and want to have a voice in where they live, or where one child gets along better with one parent than the other, couples may find a split custody a more suitable arrangement.

Sole Custody:

Sole custody is rarely the preferred option for the couples who Mediate. Sole custody means that the child lives with one parent and that parent makes all the major decisions. In this case, the other parent may have visitation rights but no input in decision making.

No matter which custody plan you choose, always remember that though you will no longer be husband and wife to one another, you will always be parents to your children.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Though some people can’t imagine it, life does go on after a separation or divorce.   Once the agreements are made and everything is finalized, there are still some issues which may require attention, and sometimes, ongoing attention.  One of the most important of these has to do with children.  Although you will no longer be husband and wife to one another, you will always be parents to your children. 

Parents should remember, particularly now because the children’s security may feel threatened, that their antennae are always up.  Because the children may have a lot of anxiety about the fact that their parents aren’t living in the same house anymore, implementing a smooth and seamless parenting plan is crucial.  This is one of the most important steps in the Mediation process.

Here are a few tips when dealing with the children during the post separation/divorce period.  These guidelines may seem like common sense, but are sometimes forgotten when the parents, themselves, are in the heat of their own emotional turmoil.

• Before taking action or speaking, consider the affect on the child/children.
• Also guard against making the children feel that one parent is angry or upset with the other.
• Make sure that you are not making the child the messenger or go-between in any way, shape or form.
• Despite whatever residual emotions remain for you, never speak badly about the other parent in front of the children, within earshot of the children, or in emails or texts that the children might see.
• Don’t make the child feel the need to defend the other parent.  In other words, don’t place the child in the position of being parent to the parent.

As most parents know, children just by their nature tend to be self centered and will often exploit a situation when they see an opportunity.  The parent’s separation can be just such a trigger.  One very common form of exploitation is taking advantage of the fact that they can get something from mom or dad because their parents are acting out of that guilty feeling that the family is not “intact”.  Because the parents are no longer under the same roof, the children can play two ends against the middle, and are apt to go above and beyond what they would normally try to do in the “traditional” family setting.

Challenging though it may be, the best gift you can give your children in the post separation world is to co-parent them as you did in the pre-separation world. It gives them stability, security and a feeling of safety.

Ada L Hasloecher
Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210
eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

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By Ada L Hasloecher, Center Founder / Mediator