DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Mediation – A Means For Better Communication

  In my years as a divorce and family mediator, I’ve seen over and over again what a critical role communication plays in relationships. I’ve also seen how mediation can encourage and improve communication between couples, potentially resulting in one of two very positive outcomes.   One outcome is that the parties are able to communicate and work together in a spirit of cooperation, coming to mutually satisfactory resolutions on all the issues that have to be included in their Settlement Agreement. The couple addresses the needs of the family in a balanced way and their collaboration helps their children make the transition to a new family structure which hopefully will be no less whole and secure for. When this occurs, I consider it a job well done. Read the rest of this entry »

Mediation – How long is this going to take?

  I am often asked this question by potential clients during my initial intake. People know that mediation is a more streamlined process than a litigated divorce but they really have no idea of the time table for completion.

• How many sessions?
• How long are the sessions?
• Do we meet every week?
• Will it take a few months, six months, longer?

There is no standard timeline for completing mediation because the timeline depends on any number of things, not the least of which is the couple’s ability to work together not only during the sessions but outside the mediation room as well. I would say that on average it takes three to five 1-1 ½ hour sessions for couples with children. Couples with short term marriages or no children most likely can complete the mediation in one or two sessions. Read the rest of this entry »

Modification Of The Agreement

  During the mediation couples will often ask: “What happens if we want to change something in our Agreement once the divorce judgment has been signed – how do we do that?” This is a great question. After all, although the Agreement is somewhat static, life is fluid and circumstances change.

One of the provisions many couples include in their original Agreement is to return to mediation together to resolve these issues. This is a lot less costly than trying to litigate and attempt to resolve in court. After all, they worked things out together in mediation, why not continue in that process if there is a need to modify the Agreement in the future?

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Raking Over the Coals

I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard one spouse say to the other during a heated discourse about dividing the marital assets and debts: “I don’t want to rake you over the coals, but….” I was curious where this idiom started and how, when couples are discussing their financial situation in a divorce, it has come to mean taking them for everything they are worth.

There are two “over the coals” phrases. The first, actually using the word “rake” describes a housekeeping chore where you would go through the coals with a rake in order to clear out the cold coals and gently stir up any that still might hold an ember. In the old days, this was done to freshen up the fireplace or coal stove in preparation for a new fire.

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The Post Separated, Single Parent . . . Couple

Part II

  When crafting a parenting plan, the most important consideration is that the children have as much access to both parents as possible. Research strongly suggests that children who are co-parented by loving, involved and cooperative parents are significantly impacted in a more positive way in both the short and long term. They become happier, more confident, and well adjusted adults. This just makes sense. Read the rest of this entry »

The Post Separated, Single Parent … Couple

Part I

You’re probably wondering what this title could possibly mean. It is unusual, but accurately describes what actually goes on for most couples parenting their children in a post –separation world. And because of that, I thought it worthy of closer examination.

I find in my mediations, that many couples choose joint custody (joint decision-making) with one parent being the residential custodial parent (where the children reside most of the time). Before we explore this concept, you may want to refer to my article “Child Custody Arrangements” where I give a detailed explanation of the various custody arrangements in New York State. Read the rest of this entry »

How Do We Get “There” Together?

In Part 1 of the “Financial-Emotional Conundrum” I touched on how the emotional aspect of our nature can often rule our responses to the many situations that either we bring to life or that life brings to us. One of the biggest, our financial situation, is frequently ruled by emotions.

When couples are considering a separation, one of the most challenging and important areas to be explored is how to allocate the available resources (money) so that both parties and the family have enough to live on. This can be a great source of emotional anxiety as the partners may feel that their safety and security is about to be threatened. When this happens, logic takes a back seat, feelings overwhelm and the fight or flight instinct kicks in.

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The Financial-Emotional Conundrum

Part I – Together

There are many aspects of our “being” that make us human “beings.” We are sentient beings, spiritual beings, physical beings and emotional beings. Normally, we don’t sit around all day contemplating what makes us who we are, but whether we are conscious of it or not, all those “beings” are motivating forces within us that compel us to make decisions one way or the other. Read the rest of this entry »

The “No Surprise” Ending

*names changed

We all know the story or some version of it: A couple decides to separate, they hire attorneys, end up in court and everyone loses one way or the other. It’s an adversarial process by its very nature, takes a great deal of time and keeps the parties at odds with each other which only pro-longs the process and increases the costs even more!

A few years ago I worked with a couple in a challenging mediation where the wife felt as the sessions progressed, that she should be “entitled” to more. Despite these feelings, she was willing to negotiate and did a very good job protecting her interests. They completed the mediation and in the end, given their resources, they worked out a pretty fair and equitable settlement – or so it seemed to me. Read the rest of this entry »

Ada Hasloecher, Mediator & Marty Gofberg, JD – Discuss the Contrast Between a Mediated Divorce and a Litigated Divorce

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