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Raking Over the Coals

 

I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard one spouse say to the other during a heated discourse about dividing the marital assets and debts: “I don’t want to rake you over the coals, but….” I was curious where this idiom started and how, when couples are discussing their financial situation in a divorce, it has come to mean taking them for everything they are worth.

 

There are two “over the coals” phrases. The first, actually using the word “rake” describes a housekeeping chore where you would go through the coals with a rake in order to clear out the cold coals and gently stir up any that still might hold an ember. In the old days, this was done to freshen up the fireplace or coal stove in preparation for a new fire.

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How Do We Get “There” Together?

 

In Part 1 of the “Financial-Emotional Conundrum” I touched on how the emotional aspect of our nature can often rule our responses to the many situations that either we bring to life or that life brings to us. One of the biggest, our financial situation, is frequently ruled by emotions.

When couples are considering a separation, one of the most challenging and important areas to be explored is how to allocate the available resources (money) so that both parties and the family have enough to live on. This can be a great source of emotional anxiety as the partners may feel that their safety and security is about to be threatened. When this happens, logic takes a back seat, feelings overwhelm and the fight or flight instinct kicks in.

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The Financial-Emotional Conundrum

Part I – Together

There are many aspects of our “being” that make us human “beings.” We are sentient beings, spiritual beings, physical beings and emotional beings. Normally, we don’t sit around all day contemplating what makes us who we are, but whether we are conscious of it or not, all those “beings” are motivating forces within us that compel us to make decisions one way or the other. Read the rest of this entry »

The “No Surprise” Ending

*names changed

We all know the story or some version of it: A couple decides to separate, they hire attorneys, end up in court and everyone loses one way or the other. It’s an adversarial process by its very nature, takes a great deal of time and keeps the parties at odds with each other which only pro-longs the process and increases the costs even more!

A few years ago I worked with a couple in a challenging mediation where the wife felt as the sessions progressed, that she should be “entitled” to more. Despite these feelings, she was willing to negotiate and did a very good job protecting her interests. They completed the mediation and in the end, given their resources, they worked out a pretty fair and equitable settlement – or so it seemed to me. Read the rest of this entry »

Ada Hasloecher, Mediator & Marty Gofberg, JD – Discuss the Contrast Between a Mediated Divorce and a Litigated Divorce

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How Does The Budget Look Once We Are Separated?

Good question!  One of the biggest concerns when contemplating a separation or divorce has to do with finances.  How are we going to afford to live separately and apart?  Some couples have already thought it through and considered it to some degree, but there are many seemingly inconsequential details that have to be taken into consideration.

I believe that before we can move forward in any meaningful way, one of the most important things to be done is to fill out, what I refer to as, a post-separation budget form.

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The question of who stays in the house is a big concern when couples are contemplating a separation or divorce. It is one of the topics that is discussed and negotiated in separation & divorce mediation. Read the rest of this entry »

When couples are separating the question of what happens to the house is a big topic of conversation and negotiation during the separation mediation. Read the rest of this entry »

Couples considering divorce or legal separation need answers to their questions. Read the rest of this entry »

In order to have a “legal separation” you must have a written document, signed by the parties. This document is a legally enforceable contract that covers everything from custody of the children; child support; a parenting plan; maintenance (alimony), if appropriate; and the equitable distribution of all the assets and debts. It is a detailed document that outlines in detail all the issues that have been addressed, negotiated and resolved by the parties. Read the rest of this entry »