Raking Over the Coals

I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard one spouse say to the other during a heated discourse about dividing the marital assets and debts: “I don’t want to rake you over the coals, but….” I was curious where this idiom started and how, when couples are discussing their financial situation in a divorce, it has come to mean taking them for everything they are worth.

There are two “over the coals” phrases. The first, actually using the word “rake” describes a housekeeping chore where you would go through the coals with a rake in order to clear out the cold coals and gently stir up any that still might hold an ember. In the old days, this was done to freshen up the fireplace or coal stove in preparation for a new fire.

 
The phrase ultimately came to be used as an idiom to express an unwritten “pact of forgetting” in which both sides agreed not to stir up or rehash old business and to let bygones be bygones. In other words, things are done with and ought to be allowed to rest or be forgotten.
 

The other phrase was to “haul someone over the coals.” This time the implication is that the coals are hot and the intent is to give someone a hard time, to hurt or punish them. It’s actually a rather unpleasant image and connotes a feeling of revenge.
 
Somewhere along the line the original meaning (let bygones be bygones) has been co-opted by the second. When and where the meaning of “rake someone over the coals” morphed into “haul someone over the coals” implying that one is out to destroy the other, leave them with little or nothing and hence, humiliate and devastate them (ouch!), remains a mystery.
 
So let’s explore this newly (mis)understood intent. New York State is an equitable distribution state and as such the goal is to divide everything fairly and equitably. The concept is to arrive at a place where both parties have divided their assets and debts in such a way, that neither is living “high on the hog” while the other lives in a “cardboard box.” Therefore, the idea that one person is going to “rake the other over the coals”, is a misstated perception because whatever the couple accrued during the marriage is marital property which will be divided equitably. There is usually one pool of money from which everything gets divided, so though you may feel the desire to “rake your spouse over the coals,” it is really a self-defeating concept.
 
Let’s face it, no matter how upset and angry you may be with your soon to be ex-spouse, do you really want the children to see one parent suffering? Regardless of how you may feel about your former partner, they are still a parent to your children and have the same parental needs and rights as you do. Moreover, placing the children in the middle of a contentious battle over money is just plain wrong. Both parents need to be able to provide for the children and if one parent is struggling financially, it puts an undue burden on them. Kids need to be kids and not referees. Nor do they need to worry where their next meal is coming from or take on the role of emotional caretaker to the potentially non-monied spouse.
 
Even in mediation, which is certainly a benign approach to a separation, when it comes to money, things can get hot and discussions can turn into arguments. By stepping back and taking the long view of the situation, understanding the necessity for financial stability for both parties and keeping in mind the best needs of the children, we can forge a consensus that reflects the true meaning of “raking over the coals.”

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

How Do We Get “There” Together?

In Part 1 of the “Financial-Emotional Conundrum” I touched on how the emotional aspect of our nature can often rule our responses to the many situations that either we bring to life or that life brings to us. One of the biggest, our financial situation, is frequently ruled by emotions.

When couples are considering a separation, one of the most challenging and important areas to be explored is how to allocate the available resources (money) so that both parties and the family have enough to live on. This can be a great source of emotional anxiety as the partners may feel that their safety and security is about to be threatened. When this happens, logic takes a back seat, feelings overwhelm and the fight or flight instinct kicks in.

One of the great benefits of mediation is that the process itself allows the couple to take a step back and look at the whole picture together. We put a little air around us as everyone’s needs are considered and addressed. We look at things from several points of view:

• How have you run the family finances in the past?
• What are the current needs?
• How do we accommodate those needs once the household is split?

The thing to keep in mind is that we earn what we earn, and unless there is another avenue of funds coming in, we live on what we take home in our paychecks, making ends meet as best we can. This is what we do when we are married and it will not change when we are separated. Although the parties may value things differently (which may be one of the reasons the relationship is no longer working), they must take into account each other’s financial contributions in order to figure out the best way to allocate those monies for the sake of the whole, meaning the entire family.

If money was tight before, it’s certainly going to be tight when you separate. The rule of thumb is that when you split households you are going to live on 30% less than what was available before. Think about it – at the very least, there will be two mortgage/rental payments, two sets of utility payments, not to mention higher car insurance rates and cell phone plans (when you unbundle the family plan) and so on. All of these things need to be taken into consideration.

In my mediation process, I include a budget session early on. I give my clients a very detailed “post separation” budget form and ask them to take it home and consider every line item on the form and account for it in some way. In living our lives day to day, you would be surprised how many expenses, we forget about. As things come up, we just shell out the money and don’t give much thought to, among other things:

• Extracurricular activities
• Haircuts
• Take-out food
• Hobby expenses
• Birthday gifts for the children’s friends
• Lunch money
• Weekend vacations, etc.

And it all adds up.

When I work with couples for whom money is already stretched, they are usually more prepared for the financial picture that emerges when we look at post separation budgets. However there are many who come to mediation with what I call a “sorta, kinda” idea of what their expenses are. Once we start crunching the numbers, the true picture comes to light. In today’s economy, even households with two incomes are not a guarantee that there will be enough to support a standard of living that partners are used to or feel they need/deserve/are entitled to, etc.

Together, we look at the post separation budgets and if necessary, separate the essentials from the non-essentials. Then we account for each spouse’s income, incorporate the child support calculations, maintenance (if appropriate) and begin exploring the various options to accommodate everyone’s needs going forward.

The reality is that things are going to change and working together, with the guidance of a mediator, to make the best of those changes is the way to go. By brainstorming ideas, teasing out the options, and thinking out of the box (you would be surprised at some of the amazing solutions people come up with) the likelihood that the parties will be able to live with, and within their agreements is much higher.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Part I – Together

There are many aspects of our “being” that make us human “beings.” We are sentient beings, spiritual beings, physical beings and emotional beings. Normally, we don’t sit around all day contemplating what makes us who we are, but whether we are conscious of it or not, all those “beings” are motivating forces within us that compel us to make decisions one way or the other.

I don’t think it would be farfetched to say that we are often motivated by our emotions. When something happens to us, we take our emotional pulse (so to speak); think how we are feeling about the given situation and then most likely make decisions based on that criterion alone. Making decisions based on emotions is not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing. It’s just something we do. Whether we are conscious of those emotions or not, they often propel our decision making process before our minds, our bodies, our spirits catch up…perhaps.

Along with other deeply held “emotional” issues that may need to be addressed in the mediation in order to move the process forward, one of the most important has to do with the couple’s finances. At first blush, you may not put the terms “financial” and “emotional” in the same sentence, but if you think about it, aren’t many of us emotional about our finances?

What happens when a couple is about to split households? How is this going to be accomplished? If money is already tight for the couple (and from what I can see, many couples are experiencing this regardless of their income), then each party may potentially feel that their security/safety is about to be threatened, therefore the defenses come up and each goes to their proverbial corner to try and figure out how to move forward… alone.

When emotions are high – perhaps clouding rational thinking – the past comes up with all its “shoulda, woulda, coulda” mind chatter. Add the fuel of anxiety and frustration to the mix and you have the makings of spontaneous combustion! It may feel that there is no way out, but actually, there is: the way forward is to work together – as counter intuitive as this may seem.

In mediation, we look at the entire picture together, we gather information together, we assess the situation together, we brainstorm solutions together and finally we craft a mutually workable solution… yes, together.

There are many financial decisions that have to be made at this time. The most beneficial approach to really figure out the best way to allocate the available resources is to work together toward a mutual goal. And that mutual goal is that each person will have what they need going forward.

Part II – How do we get there together?

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

The “No Surprise” Ending

*names changed

We all know the story or some version of it: A couple decides to separate, they hire attorneys, end up in court and everyone loses one way or the other. It’s an adversarial process by its very nature, takes a great deal of time and keeps the parties at odds with each other which only pro-longs the process and increases the costs even more!

A few years ago I worked with a couple in a challenging mediation where the wife felt as the sessions progressed, that she should be “entitled” to more. Despite these feelings, she was willing to negotiate and did a very good job protecting her interests. They completed the mediation and in the end, given their resources, they worked out a pretty fair and equitable settlement – or so it seemed to me.

In my process, we read through the draft of the Agreement in a review session and discuss any changes they wish to make. After that a revised draft is prepared and if the parties wish, they can take it to an attorney to review it for them. This couple agreed to have it reviewed by their respective attorneys.

I received a call from the husband, *Jack a few weeks after the review session telling me that he thought that *Jill was going to start all over and “take her chances in court.” I called her and left a message but she never returned my call. I took this as a sign that she indeed did intend to follow through on her threat to find “justice” in the court system.

And so she did. I received the following email from the husband a few weeks ago (after he received my most recent blog on “The Emotional Divorce”):

Hi Ada,

Wanted to let you know that [*Jill] and I finally reached a settlement at trial! It has been over two years in the making. After two years of legal bills that must be over $30,000 – the settlement amounted to what we had discussed in your mediation sessions and in the mediation agreement. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s amazing – what a waste of emotions, time and money.

Whoever said “whatever doesn’t kill you; makes you stronger” must have been talking about divorce. This is not a process for the faint of heart. I truly believe that the law needs to be changed so that mediation is the primary method for divorce settlements and must be supported by the courts. I believe that I was well represented by my attorney but it should never have come to the emotional or financial cost – ever!

I have praised mediation and recommended you to several people starting this process. In the end, it is all emotion that guides people toward lawyers and the courts. I hope that your organization has a good lobbying effort to persuade mediation as a mandated first step in any separation. Thank you again for all of your help and guidance along the way.

What a waste of time, money and energy indeed! Not to mention the emotional cost. I spoke with *Jack after reading his email. He told me that it was the worst two years of his life. The emotional toll it took on him was enormous. He said that when he was sitting in court he felt like he was a character in a Kafka novel. He could not believe what was happening – that it was like living a bad dream. I would assume that by the time *Jill got done, she felt the same way. Such a terrible drain on whatever resources they had and now …. enemies for sure.

The moral to the story? What may seem equitable and fair to you might not be how the courts see it. You can take your chances (and they are chances) in the court system. But wouldn’t it be better to work it out together so you keep whatever financial resources you have between yourselves without wasting it on a legal system which cannot guarantee to give you what you deem as fair? And this is not even factoring in maintaining your dignity and emotional well being, which has as much value as any monetary settlement.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

If you have questions about Separation and/or Divorce Mediation,

or the Mediation Services provided by Ada Hasloecher and The Divorce and Family Mediation Center -

Please Call (631) 585-5210 Today

How Does The Budget Look Once We Are Separated?

Good question!  One of the biggest concerns when contemplating a separation or divorce has to do with finances.  How are we going to afford to live separately and apart?  Some couples have already thought it through and considered it to some degree, but there are many seemingly inconsequential details that have to be taken into consideration.

I believe that before we can move forward in any meaningful way, one of the most important things to be done is to fill out, what I refer to as, a post-separation budget form.

I have a form that I give to my couples at the first session in preparation for the next session.  We walk through it together prior to them filling it out to give them some things to think about since they may be doing some projections.  For example, the housing and utility costs for both of them once they are living apart – what is that going to look like?  How will they split the credit card debt, if any?  What about unreimbursed medical expenses for the children like co-pays and dental (if not on their plan)?  All of these things need to be accounted for and included in their respective budgets. The main line items (and of course, in much more detail on the budget form) are:

The Budget

• Housing (mortgage, rent, taxes, insurance, etc.)
• Utilities (gas, electric, phone, cable, internet service, etc.)
• Household maintenance (house cleaning, repairs, pest control, etc.)
• Food (groceries, take out, pet food, etc.)
• Clothing (including dry cleaning, outside laundry if applicable, etc.)
• Auto expenses (payments, gas, maintenance, tolls, etc.)
• Health Insurance (co-pays, optical, dental, prescriptions, etc.)
• Insurances (life, disability, etc.)
• Loans and credit cards (student loans, etc.)
• Educational expenses (private school, college)
• Children’s expenses (child care, tutoring, sports, etc.)
• Recreation (vacations, eating out, hobbies, gym memberships, etc.)
• Personal care (haircuts, cosmetics, etc.)
• Miscellaneous (holiday and birthday gifts, charitable contributions, etc.)

Once these items are clarified and quantified, we can get a better picture of what the monthly needs are for both parties and open up a meaningful conversation on the best way to move forward.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

What If One of Us Just Moves Out of the House?

What If One of Us Just Moves Out of the House?

The question of who stays in the house is a big concern when couples are contemplating a separation or divorce.

It is one of the topics that is discussed and negotiated in mediation.  Sometimes couples have been under tremendous duress while living under the same roof and both spouses agree that one of them should move out for a while even though they have nothing in writing.

While it is preferable to have a legal separation agreement in place prior to making this move, for some couples waiting until that happens is extremely difficult and may potentially derail an amicable marital separation.  When couples choose to mediate, they are choosing a less complicated and more harmonious way to separate and divorce. Usually when one spouse moves out of the house, both parties have agreed that this is the best arrangement for both of them and the spouse who stays in the house will not use the leave taking as an excuse to cry “abandonment” in order to try to get the upper hand.

Some couples come to mediation and after having decided to separate or divorce after years of living apart with nothing in writing but a tacit agreement about their circumstances.  In either case, we can begin the mediation from exactly where they are with the understanding that they know what was in their own best interests.

During this period of time, it’s important for the couple to have an agreement about how the mortgage or rent will be paid.  The home is still a marital asset and must continue to be paid regardless of who is currently living in the house.  Both parties lose when marital assets are dissipated.

For those couples who have separated and are concerned about their current living arrangement, we can provide them with a temporary Agreement to allow for a more relaxed and fluid mediation.  With this Agreement in place, the spouse who has moved out, or is about to move out of the home, is not giving up his or her rights to the house, but rather consenting to a more thoughtful approach to deciding what will ultimately be done with the respect to the custody arrangement, the house and equitable distribution of both the assets and debts.

Once all of these issues are addressed, negotiated and agreed to in the mediation process, then a Separation Agreement or Stipulation of Settlement can be drawn up.

Ada L Hasloecher, Mediator / Center Founder

What About the House? Or Click Here.

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A Divorce Mediator Can Help a Couple Figure Out What to do About the House in a Divorce

What Happens to the House When We Separate?

When couples are separating the question of what happens to the house is a big topic of conversation and negotiation during the mediation.  Each couple comes with a different set of circumstances that will drive the answer to this question in one of several directions. As a general rule, there are several reasons that couples will want to hold onto the house: emotional attachments; keeping the children in the school system; and/or financial reasons.

In the first case, some couples just love their house, have poured their heart and soul into it, raised their family there and are reluctant to leave.  Since they are separating, other than selling it, only one of them can stay in the house if they both agree.

For couples with children, they first have to determine who will have residential custody of the children and whether or not keeping them in the current school system and/or the house is important to them.  Even in cases where the house must be sold, it’s still possible to keep the children in their current school system by purchasing a new home or condo or finding a rental in the district.

For other couples who have been married and lived in the home for many years (and who did not take out home equity lines of credit or refinance the house), the mortgage may be mostly paid off and the monthly expenses on the house are far less than if they were to purchase a new home.  If once spouse wants to continue to live in the house, they will work out a buyout for the fair market value of the house so the other spouse can get their equity and purchase a new home.  If their children are emancipated and have moved on, they often decide to sell the house, take the equity and purchase something smaller and more manageable.

Whatever the circumstances are, in order to separate the emotional issues from the financial ones, one of the most important things I do in my practice is to help the couple determine what they need monetarily to move forward and live separately and apart.  When we have worked out their monthly budget, then we see what their respective incomes are including earned income, child support, maintenance/alimony (if appropriate) and any other sources of revenue (social security, etc.).  When we back those numbers into the budget, we can see if the mortgage payments and utility costs are within their means or beyond their ability to sustain the upkeep on the house.

If it’s decided that one of the parties will stay in the house, then the next question is for how long.  In mediation, we discuss a time-line for either a sell date or a buyout to allow the non-residential custodial parent to get his or her equity out of the house.

Ada L Hasloecher, Mediator / Center Founder

The other option is to sell the house now and negotiate the splitting of the net sale proceeds.

What About the House? Or Click Here.

Have Questions or Concerns?

Call or eMail Us Today
to Schedule a No-Cost, No-Obligation, Phone Consultation With One of Our Mediators

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Click Play Buttons below for audio answers to Your Questions:

By Ada L Hasloecher, Center Founder / Mediator

In order to have a “legal separation” you must have a written document, signed by the parties

What is a Legal Separation?

This is a common question and is often asked in the following ways:

• “My wife/husband moved out of the house about four months ago and we didn’t put anything in writing, is this a legal separation?”
• “We think we want to do a trial separation – is this a legal separation?”
• “My wife/husband is running up our credit cards and I’m concerned about my liability – do I have any and would a legal separation help?”

Click Play Button below for audio on this topic: Or Click Here.

To begin with, let’s address the difference between a “trial separation” and a “legal separation.” When couples ask any of the above questions, they may be thinking of “trying” to separate for a period of time until they figure out whether they want to make the situation permanent of not. It is important to remember that in a “trial separation” there is no signed written agreement, so their marital status has not changed. In other words, you are still married in the eyes of the court and have all the requisite responsibilities of the marriage.

A “legal separation” or divorce is a written agreement that divides the assets and debts (which they have acquired during the marriage) and addresses all the issues about the children. In order to have a “legal separation” you must have a written document, signed by the parties. This document is a legally enforceable contract that covers everything from custody of the children; child support; a parenting plan; maintenance (alimony), if appropriate; and the equitable distribution of all the assets and debts. It is a detailed document that outlines in detail all the issues that have been addressed, negotiated and resolved by the parties.

Once the Separation Agreement has been filed, it doesn’t mean that the divorce is final. It simply means that you have the option from that point forward to file for an uncontested divorce. Under the new No Fault law, one spouse can simply state that there has been an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage. (The procedure for filing the divorce papers will be detailed in an upcoming article entitled: Filing for the Divorce Right Away.)

Once a couple has either mutually decided to live separately and apart, or one of the parties has moved out of the marital home, it is prudent to put things in writing so that there is no longer an obligation to each other except for the issues that are spelled out in your legal, binding contract.

Ada L Hasloecher
Mediator / Founder

Phone Us At: 631-585-5210
Note that ALL calls are Confidential!

or eMail Us At:
Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

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