DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

To Complete or Not To Complete

  One of the many advantages of mediation is that clients set their own pace to accomplish their goals. That said, on a regular basis, I review my client files to see which ones are still open and incomplete – clients who, for a variety of reasons, have not scheduled a follow up session.   Some couples come in and want to get things done “as soon as possible” or as one wife described it: “I’d rather pull the band-aid off fast”. For those couples who want to move forward quickly, we schedule the sessions in a steady stream, they tend to work on issues with each other outside of our meetings and they stay the course until the Settlement Agreement is signed. All of this is accomplished in pretty short order. Read the rest of this entry »

To Everything There Is A Season

  I attended a monthly dinner meeting a few days ago and in kicking off the New Year, it was held at a new venue – a well known restaurant/inn on Long Island. I’ve been there many times before and it is a lovely place.   The meeting took place on January 10th. The outside of the Inn and surrounding grounds were still decked out with holiday lights but nothing prepared me for what I found when I went inside. It was still completely decorated with Christmas trees, ornaments, twinkling lights, and mini-Christmas scenes. Even the requisite poinsettias were still strewn throughout the rooms, dining and otherwise. I counted on my toes and figured out that the 12 days of Christmas had passed 3 days ago. Perhaps I’m splitting hairs here, but there was something about moving into mid-January and still seeing not only the vestiges, but a full blown array of Christmas fare that just didn’t sit right. Read the rest of this entry »

Compromise – It’s Not a Dirty Word

  I’m not sure when the word compromise became a dirty work and thus went out of favor. In our current politically correctworld, it seems that we all want to be assured that everyone will get everything they want, when they want it, and in the way they want it. Nice thought. But if life has taught us anything, it is that this is truly a false notion and when you really stop and think about it, a little ridiculous. Read the rest of this entry »

Mediation – A Means For Better Communication

  In my years as a divorce and family mediator, I’ve seen over and over again what a critical role communication plays in relationships. I’ve also seen how mediation can encourage and improve communication between couples, potentially resulting in one of two very positive outcomes.   One outcome is that the parties are able to communicate and work together in a spirit of cooperation, coming to mutually satisfactory resolutions on all the issues that have to be included in their Settlement Agreement. The couple addresses the needs of the family in a balanced way and their collaboration helps their children make the transition to a new family structure which hopefully will be no less whole and secure for. When this occurs, I consider it a job well done. Read the rest of this entry »

Mediation – How long is this going to take?

  I am often asked this question by potential clients during my initial intake. People know that mediation is a more streamlined process than a litigated divorce but they really have no idea of the time table for completion.

• How many sessions?
• How long are the sessions?
• Do we meet every week?
• Will it take a few months, six months, longer?

There is no standard timeline for completing mediation because the timeline depends on any number of things, not the least of which is the couple’s ability to work together not only during the sessions but outside the mediation room as well. I would say that on average it takes three to five 1-1 ½ hour sessions for couples with children. Couples with short term marriages or no children most likely can complete the mediation in one or two sessions. Read the rest of this entry »

Raking Over the Coals

I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard one spouse say to the other during a heated discourse about dividing the marital assets and debts: “I don’t want to rake you over the coals, but….” I was curious where this idiom started and how, when couples are discussing their financial situation in a divorce, it has come to mean taking them for everything they are worth.

There are two “over the coals” phrases. The first, actually using the word “rake” describes a housekeeping chore where you would go through the coals with a rake in order to clear out the cold coals and gently stir up any that still might hold an ember. In the old days, this was done to freshen up the fireplace or coal stove in preparation for a new fire.

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The “No Surprise” Ending

*names changed

We all know the story or some version of it: A couple decides to separate, they hire attorneys, end up in court and everyone loses one way or the other. It’s an adversarial process by its very nature, takes a great deal of time and keeps the parties at odds with each other which only pro-longs the process and increases the costs even more!

A few years ago I worked with a couple in a challenging mediation where the wife felt as the sessions progressed, that she should be “entitled” to more. Despite these feelings, she was willing to negotiate and did a very good job protecting her interests. They completed the mediation and in the end, given their resources, they worked out a pretty fair and equitable settlement – or so it seemed to me. Read the rest of this entry »

Ada Hasloecher, Mediator & Marty Gofberg, JD – Discuss the Contrast Between a Mediated Divorce and a Litigated Divorce

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The Emotional Divorce

The decision to seek a divorce or separation is in most cases, a difficult one. It is often preceded by months (if not years) of contemplation and thought. Your mind is torn between many differing emotions: confusion, anger, frustration, fear. You ask yourself:

• Should I stay or leave?
• Will he or she change?
• How will it affect me?
• How will it affect the children?
• Should we look at a “trial separation” first?

These are only a few of the thoughts that go through your mind as you consider what to do.

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