How many times have I heard the words: “Well, my lawyer said . . .” while mediating a challenging couple? When that ball gets lobbed over the net, it tends to indicate one or more of the following scenarios:

• That someone is not happy with the direction things are going thus far
• They have an unconscious wish for rescue
• Or they may merely be reciting their “legal entitlement” as a way of getting what they want.

I have a great deal of respect for many matrimonial attorneys. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to advocate for someone who may have unrealistic expectations about the legal process and/or irrational notions about the outcome of a litigated divorce. When emotions are high and the fight or flight instincts are at unparalleled levels, trying to bring calm and reason to the storm is no easy task. It’s no wonder legal fees can be so high.
 
When a lawyer is consulted by a potential client, clearly they are hearing one side of the story. And the job of the attorney is to advocate for his or her client, advise them of their legal rights, and ultimately go for the “win” without the need of consideration for the “other” side’s needs or wishes. It’s a sort of zero sum game – one side wins, the other side loses. This is the main feature of the adversarial system, plain and simple.
 
The core and compelling difference between litigation and mediation is that as mediators, we go for the win for all the parties involved. And our clients are not just the couple sitting in our office but the invisible ones as well; the ones who can’t speak for themselves – the children. Mediation is a family focused process, plain and simple.
 
Sounds like a corny, marketing line, right? But it is the truth.
 
We, as mediators, are not advocating, nor representing either party in the mediation; therefore it’s perfectly acceptable and sometimes a good idea for the parties to consult with an attorney along the way. Mediators, even those who are attorneys, cannot and therefore do not, give our clients legal advice. What we provide is information so that our clients can make informed decisions for themselves.
 
So while I’m interested and often intrigued by what the lawyer “may have” said to the client, I am also on the lookout for the way the questions were posited to the attorney and therefore answered, whether or not all the information dispensed was received clearly and without interpretation, and if it was even possible to have the mediated perspective included. As the mediator working with both parties, my focus is manifold: consideration for the actual agreements being made by the parties as well as the context, tone, quality and efficacy within which they were made.
 
I imagine it would be difficult to advise a client without really understanding the framework by which ALL the agreements were made in the mediation. In light of this, if there is no context from which to draw their conclusions and advice, it would be unfair to assess the answers the attorney may have offered. The challenge is how to include the advice of the client’s attorney without undermining the mediation process.
 
As mediators, we strive for clarity, balance, and ultimately, practical results for our clients, both visible and invisible.
 

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it. Please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

 
One of the many advantages of mediation is that clients set their own pace to accomplish their goals. That said, on a regular basis, I review my client files to see which ones are still open and incomplete – clients who, for a variety of reasons, have not scheduled a follow up session.
 
Some couples come in and want to get things done “as soon as possible” or as one wife described it: “I’d rather pull the band-aid off fast”. For those couples who want to move forward quickly, we schedule the sessions in a steady stream, they tend to work on issues with each other outside of our meetings and they stay the course until the Settlement Agreement is signed. All of this is accomplished in pretty short order.
 
Others need to take their time. There could be a reluctant spouse who needs time to allow the emotional impact of what’s happening to settle in. Or money is tight and they need to spread out their appointments. Some couples want to get certain arrangements in place and operating first (such as a parenting plan, for example) before they move onto the next issue. Working out those arrangements typically takes time.
 
What I find fascinating are the clients who at first want to move briskly, and in fact do, but then do not return sometimes for many months (in one case almost a year) even though they were just about done with the mediation and I was ready to write up their Agreement. I always follow up with my clients to see what the status is and what I can do to help them bring closure. When I follow up with these clients, they will often give me some version of: “All is well, we will definitely be returning, but everything is okay for now.” It seems that they just need to let things roll for a while to see how the parenting plan, the child support and maintenance are working out before they return.
 
The mediation process is such that it allows couples to live with their agreements as they go along, test them out, tweak the parts that are not working, etc. Just knowing that they are both honoring the agreements can be enough for the duration. Had they not been mediating and had chosen to litigate, the boxing gloves would have been on, which would make it virtually impossible to mutually agree on anything, let alone try things out as they proceed through the separation.
 
Although I may not know the reasons why things were put on hold for a while, when they return, I do find that they are more on purpose, more in sync with each and at the very least, clear about finalizing the separation.
 
So, complete or not complete? Mediation lets you decide when the time is right.
 

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it. Please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

 
I attended a monthly dinner meeting a few days ago and in kicking off the New Year, it was held at a new venue – a well known restaurant/inn on Long Island. I’ve been there many times before and it is a lovely place.
 
The meeting took place on January 10th. The outside of the Inn and surrounding grounds were still decked out with holiday lights but nothing prepared me for what I found when I went inside. It was still completely decorated with Christmas trees, ornaments, twinkling lights, and mini-Christmas scenes. Even the requisite poinsettias were still strewn throughout the rooms, dining and otherwise. I counted on my toes and figured out that the 12 days of Christmas had passed 3 days ago. Perhaps I’m splitting hairs here, but there was something about moving into mid-January and still seeing not only the vestiges, but a full blown array of Christmas fare that just didn’t sit right.
 
For some, the holiday season from Thanksgiving through the New Year is laced and perhaps fraught with a mix of tumult, family, expectation, friends, financial expenditure, family, parties, food, family, late nights, over eating . . . Oh, and did I say family? It can be the best of times or it can be the worst of times depending on where you stand during this yearly season of good cheer!
 
I bring this up because I wondered why I had such a visceral reaction in seeing all the seasonal decorations still up. Then it hit me. I like January. I like the cold weather, I like the bare and spare look of everything post-holiday, post-man made ornamentation. The trees are stripped of their leaves and everything stands out in stark relief. There is something clean, clear, refreshing and somehow restful about it after all the over indulgences of the holidays. I’m actually glad to stop over-eating!
 
So this also got me thinking about an interesting phenomenon that occurs in my practice. Every year, both during and after the holiday, the phone starts ringing off the hook with potential clients calling about my divorce mediation services. When this starts happening, I’m reminded that for those people, the recent holidays have more than likely represented the “worst of times.” In trying to hold everything together “for the kids” or to give it “one last shot,” they wait until they feel they can’t wait any longer and then make the call.
 
After spending time with them on the phone doing an intake, some will schedule the half hour no fee consultation right away while some others hold off. For those who book the session, the holidays may have crystallized the notion that moving forward to explore a separation is ripe for them. Perhaps the ones who wait need to give themselves the time to let the hyped up emotions of the holidays settle down and allow the quiet of true winter to see things in their clarity before they take the next step.
 
To everything there is a season. Trust your heart to know when the time is right for you.
 
 

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it and please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

The “No Surprise” Ending

*names changed

We all know the story or some version of it: A couple decides to separate, they hire attorneys, end up in court and everyone loses one way or the other. It’s an adversarial process by its very nature, takes a great deal of time and keeps the parties at odds with each other which only pro-longs the process and increases the costs even more!

A few years ago I worked with a couple in a challenging mediation where the wife felt as the sessions progressed, that she should be “entitled” to more. Despite these feelings, she was willing to negotiate and did a very good job protecting her interests. They completed the mediation and in the end, given their resources, they worked out a pretty fair and equitable settlement – or so it seemed to me.

In my process, we read through the draft of the Agreement in a review session and discuss any changes they wish to make. After that a revised draft is prepared and if the parties wish, they can take it to an attorney to review it for them. This couple agreed to have it reviewed by their respective attorneys.

I received a call from the husband, *Jack a few weeks after the review session telling me that he thought that *Jill was going to start all over and “take her chances in court.” I called her and left a message but she never returned my call. I took this as a sign that she indeed did intend to follow through on her threat to find “justice” in the court system.

And so she did. I received the following email from the husband a few weeks ago (after he received my most recent blog on “The Emotional Divorce”):

Hi Ada,

Wanted to let you know that [*Jill] and I finally reached a settlement at trial! It has been over two years in the making. After two years of legal bills that must be over $30,000 – the settlement amounted to what we had discussed in your mediation sessions and in the mediation agreement. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s amazing – what a waste of emotions, time and money.

Whoever said “whatever doesn’t kill you; makes you stronger” must have been talking about divorce. This is not a process for the faint of heart. I truly believe that the law needs to be changed so that mediation is the primary method for divorce settlements and must be supported by the courts. I believe that I was well represented by my attorney but it should never have come to the emotional or financial cost – ever!

I have praised mediation and recommended you to several people starting this process. In the end, it is all emotion that guides people toward lawyers and the courts. I hope that your organization has a good lobbying effort to persuade mediation as a mandated first step in any separation. Thank you again for all of your help and guidance along the way.

What a waste of time, money and energy indeed! Not to mention the emotional cost. I spoke with *Jack after reading his email. He told me that it was the worst two years of his life. The emotional toll it took on him was enormous. He said that when he was sitting in court he felt like he was a character in a Kafka novel. He could not believe what was happening – that it was like living a bad dream. I would assume that by the time *Jill got done, she felt the same way. Such a terrible drain on whatever resources they had and now …. enemies for sure.

The moral to the story? What may seem equitable and fair to you might not be how the courts see it. You can take your chances (and they are chances) in the court system. But wouldn’t it be better to work it out together so you keep whatever financial resources you have between yourselves without wasting it on a legal system which cannot guarantee to give you what you deem as fair? And this is not even factoring in maintaining your dignity and emotional well being, which has as much value as any monetary settlement.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

The Emotional Divorce

The decision to seek a divorce or separation is in most cases, a difficult one. It is often preceded by months (if not years) of contemplation and thought. Your mind is torn between many differing emotions: confusion, anger, frustration, fear. You ask yourself:

• Should I stay or leave?
• Will he or she change?
• How will it affect me?
• How will it affect the children?
• Should we look at a “trial separation” first?

These are only a few of the thoughts that go through your mind as you consider what to do.

Of all the decisions you have to make, one of the most difficult is how and when to tell your spouse. When planning this step, you will want to take into account the possibility that he or she may be taken by surprise. Because often the breakup of a marriage is the result of a breakdown in communication, neither of you may have really heard what the other has been saying – -or NOT saying. Therefore, your spouse may not have realized that, despite the many discussions the two of you have had, things had reached the point where you are seriously considering a divorce or separation.

The surprised spouse may be months behind emotionally. They have not been struggling with the pros and cons of getting a divorce or separation. They may have thought that, although there were some difficulties in the marriage, these difficulties were not serious enough to lead to a separation or a divorce. As a result, they may be hurt and angry.

Unfortunately, when people are hurt they often react with anger, lashing out at the person who has hurt them, wanting some kind of quid pro quo. Often they view the legal system as a way of getting back at the one who hurt them and initiate legal action believing that they will feel better when the legal issues are resolved. Unfortunately, a hurtful and costly court battle is usually the result.

Anger and hurt are not the only reasons a couple becomes involved in a court battle. The spouse who had first considered the divorce may now be in a hurry to “get things moving” and puts pressure on the other spouse to act. He or she is tired of waiting and, having made this very difficult decision, is anxious to be done with it and get on with his or her life. Often legal action is the form of pressure put on the other spouse to act.

Rather than initiating legal action, it would be far better for both of you to understand the emotions of the other.

• If you initiated the idea of a divorce or separation, realize that your spouse needs time to consider and digest it. You probably did not reach the decision to separate or divorce overnight and he or she is going to need some time to come to terms with this as well.
• If you are not the one who initiated the idea of a separation or divorce, realize that your husband or wife has probably been considering this for a long time. You may need time to catch up but you should also understand that your spouse is ready now and may not be willing to wait indefinitely.

If you believe you need legal advice, contact an attorney and discuss your options, but don’t, unless absolutely necessary, retain the attorney and allow him or her to initiate legal action. Mediation rather than litigation may be a better option to consider and may make the emotional shift easier for both parties. No matter what, wait until both of you have come to terms with the idea of the separation or divorce. Only then will you be able to make intelligent decisions.

Let your head catch up with your heart. The result will be better for both of you.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Though some people can’t imagine it, life does go on after a separation or divorce.   Once the agreements are made and everything is finalized, there are still some issues which may require attention, and sometimes, ongoing attention.  One of the most important of these has to do with children.  Although you will no longer be husband and wife to one another, you will always be parents to your children. 

Parents should remember, particularly now because the children’s security may feel threatened, that their antennae are always up.  Because the children may have a lot of anxiety about the fact that their parents aren’t living in the same house anymore, implementing a smooth and seamless parenting plan is crucial.  This is one of the most important steps in the Mediation process.

Here are a few tips when dealing with the children during the post separation/divorce period.  These guidelines may seem like common sense, but are sometimes forgotten when the parents, themselves, are in the heat of their own emotional turmoil.

• Before taking action or speaking, consider the affect on the child/children.
• Also guard against making the children feel that one parent is angry or upset with the other.
• Make sure that you are not making the child the messenger or go-between in any way, shape or form.
• Despite whatever residual emotions remain for you, never speak badly about the other parent in front of the children, within earshot of the children, or in emails or texts that the children might see.
• Don’t make the child feel the need to defend the other parent.  In other words, don’t place the child in the position of being parent to the parent.

As most parents know, children just by their nature tend to be self centered and will often exploit a situation when they see an opportunity.  The parent’s separation can be just such a trigger.  One very common form of exploitation is taking advantage of the fact that they can get something from mom or dad because their parents are acting out of that guilty feeling that the family is not “intact”.  Because the parents are no longer under the same roof, the children can play two ends against the middle, and are apt to go above and beyond what they would normally try to do in the “traditional” family setting.

Challenging though it may be, the best gift you can give your children in the post separation world is to co-parent them as you did in the pre-separation world. It gives them stability, security and a feeling of safety.

Ada L Hasloecher
Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210
eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Finally!! New York State is a No Fault State.

Finally!! It’s No Fault Divorce for New York State

On October 13, 2010, New York finally joined the other 49 states to allow a no-fault divorce.  This means that thankfully, couples no longer have to allege marital misconduct and suffer the emotional trauma it causes, because it is no longer part of the legal landscape.

Prior to October 13, if you wanted a divorce in New York you had two choices:

•  To obtain a “No Fault” divorce a couple would have to live under the terms of a Separation Agreement for a minimum of one year before filing for an uncontested divorce; or 
• You had to allege and prove that your spouse was guilty of marital misconduct such as adultery, cruelty or abandonment.

The problem with the first choice was that you had to reach an agreement and if your spouse didn’t want to agree to anything, you could not satisfy the conditions which the law required before granting a “no fault” divorce.  And often one spouse had to accept an unfair settlement in order to get the other spouse to agree.

The second choice wasn’t much better.  If one spouse did not want the divorce, many couples became involved in a protracted legal battle where they exchanged blame for the breakdown of their marriage.  More importantly, even those couples who wanted an immediate and amicable divorce and who agreed on the settlement terms, were compelled to allege “marital fault” if they did not want to wait the required year.

With the new No Fault law, all of this has changed. Now, either spouse may get a divorce by stating that there has been an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage thereby taking the blame out of the equation.   And Mediation is the perfect venue to help a couple look forward and plan their future rather than look back and lay blame for their mistakes!

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Website: http://divorceandfamilymediationcenter.com/

How Does The Budget Look Once We Are Separated?

Good question!  One of the biggest concerns when contemplating a separation or divorce has to do with finances.  How are we going to afford to live separately and apart?  Some couples have already thought it through and considered it to some degree, but there are many seemingly inconsequential details that have to be taken into consideration.

I believe that before we can move forward in any meaningful way, one of the most important things to be done is to fill out, what I refer to as, a post-separation budget form.

I have a form that I give to my couples at the first session in preparation for the next session.  We walk through it together prior to them filling it out to give them some things to think about since they may be doing some projections.  For example, the housing and utility costs for both of them once they are living apart – what is that going to look like?  How will they split the credit card debt, if any?  What about unreimbursed medical expenses for the children like co-pays and dental (if not on their plan)?  All of these things need to be accounted for and included in their respective budgets. The main line items (and of course, in much more detail on the budget form) are:

The Budget

• Housing (mortgage, rent, taxes, insurance, etc.)
• Utilities (gas, electric, phone, cable, internet service, etc.)
• Household maintenance (house cleaning, repairs, pest control, etc.)
• Food (groceries, take out, pet food, etc.)
• Clothing (including dry cleaning, outside laundry if applicable, etc.)
• Auto expenses (payments, gas, maintenance, tolls, etc.)
• Health Insurance (co-pays, optical, dental, prescriptions, etc.)
• Insurances (life, disability, etc.)
• Loans and credit cards (student loans, etc.)
• Educational expenses (private school, college)
• Children’s expenses (child care, tutoring, sports, etc.)
• Recreation (vacations, eating out, hobbies, gym memberships, etc.)
• Personal care (haircuts, cosmetics, etc.)
• Miscellaneous (holiday and birthday gifts, charitable contributions, etc.)

Once these items are clarified and quantified, we can get a better picture of what the monthly needs are for both parties and open up a meaningful conversation on the best way to move forward.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

In any major life decision, the first step is always the hardest.  You can spend hours weighing the pros and cons, researching on the Internet, talking to friends and family. . . but eventually you have to take that first step toward resolution.

In a separation/divorce situation there are a number of decisions to be made, the first of which is whether to try mediation or go through litigation.  Not sure of your options?  Then the first step is to pick up the phone and make the call.

When you call the Divorce and Family Mediation Center, you will get a comprehensive overview of the mediation process:

Advantages of mediation over litigation:

• A less contentious way to deal with separation/divorce
• A less expensive way to deal with separation/divorce
• A less time consuming process than litigation
• A less stressful process for the entire family, especially for the children

Topics/Issues that will be discussed and resolved:

• Children – custody, child support, parenting plan… just to name a few
• Finances – equitable distribution of both the assets and debts
• House/Possessions – what to do with them, how to divide them

Different types of agreements that will result from the mediation:

• Separation Agreement
• Stipulation of Settlement

Head reeling?  At first blush most people are thinking “Oh, I just have to separate from my spouse right now” and not thinking about all the little details that have to be worked out. That first call will make you aware of those details and give you the information you need to make an informed decision so that you can move forward.

Thinking about a Separation or Divorce?  Take the first step.  Make the call.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

This is a common question and concern.

What if I Want a Separation and My Spouse Doesn’t?

My experience tells me that if one person wants out of the marriage, inevitably the separation will occur.  It’s only a matter of time and the method they choose to effectuate process.  When one spouse is reluctant to end the marriage, it puts the “initiating” spouse in a difficult position.  On one hand, the initiating spouse knows how hard this will be on their spouse but on the other hand they may still feel that separating is the best alternative to a marriage that no longer works for them.

In many cases, the news of wanting a separation does not come out of left field to the recipient spouse. But marriage is a complicated matter and when a marriage is showing signs of trouble, it can take months if not years for the wear to begin to rub at the fabric of the relationship. Some couples will try marriage counseling while others feel that it’s too little too late. Other couples will just drift along in a state of status quo neither happy nor unhappy but perhaps staying together for the sake of the children.

Usually the party who calls me to get information about mediation is the one who wants the separation or divorce and has had time to research their options, think about the consequences and taken the bold step to make the first call.  The fact that they have called a mediator, tells me that they want to work on the separation or divorce in the least contentious way possible and in the best interests for the family.

If the party who calls me has not even broached the subject of a separation with their spouse in any significant way, I can coach them about how to have that conversation.  It’s not an easy dialogue to have for sure, but it can be done in a meaningful and empowering way and will certainly set the groundwork for a successful mediation.

Ada L Hasloecher
Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

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