I attended a monthly dinner meeting a few days ago and in kicking off the New Year, it was held at a new venue – a well known restaurant/inn on Long Island. I’ve been there many times before and it is a lovely place.
 
The meeting took place on January 10th. The outside of the Inn and surrounding grounds were still decked out with holiday lights but nothing prepared me for what I found when I went inside. It was still completely decorated with Christmas trees, ornaments, twinkling lights, and mini-Christmas scenes. Even the requisite poinsettias were still strewn throughout the rooms, dining and otherwise. I counted on my toes and figured out that the 12 days of Christmas had passed 3 days ago. Perhaps I’m splitting hairs here, but there was something about moving into mid-January and still seeing not only the vestiges, but a full blown array of Christmas fare that just didn’t sit right.
 
For some, the holiday season from Thanksgiving through the New Year is laced and perhaps fraught with a mix of tumult, family, expectation, friends, financial expenditure, family, parties, food, family, late nights, over eating . . . Oh, and did I say family? It can be the best of times or it can be the worst of times depending on where you stand during this yearly season of good cheer!
 
I bring this up because I wondered why I had such a visceral reaction in seeing all the seasonal decorations still up. Then it hit me. I like January. I like the cold weather, I like the bare and spare look of everything post-holiday, post-man made ornamentation The trees are stripped of their leaves and everything stands out in stark relief. There is something clean, clear, refreshing and somehow restful about it after all the over indulgences of the holidays. I’m actually glad to stop over-eating!
 
So this also got me thinking about an interesting phenomenon that occurs in my practice. Every year, both during and after the holiday, the phone starts ringing off the hook with potential clients calling about my divorce mediation services. When this starts happening, I’m reminded that for those people, the recent holidays have more than likely represented the “worst of times.” In trying to hold everything together “for the kids” or to give it “one last shot,” they wait until they feel they can’t wait any longer and then make the call.
 
After spending time with them on the phone doing an intake, some will schedule the half hour no fee consultation right away while some others hold off. For those who book the session, the holidays may have crystallized the notion that moving forward to explore a separation is ripe for them. Perhaps the ones who wait need to give themselves the time to let the hyped up emotions of the holidays settle down and allow the quiet of true winter to see things in their clarity before they take the next step.
 
To everything there is a season. Trust your heart to know when the time is right for you.
 
 

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it and please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

How To Lose 20 Pounds In 20 Minutes!

 
I started the New Year with a good laugh – which is always a good thing.
 
On January 2nd, I was driving past my neighborhood shopping center where a local gymnasium occupies the end cap. Usually, the parking lot is pretty empty. But here it was around noon and there was not a parking space to be had. At first I wondered what the heck was going on!

I looked at all the other shops thinking that there must have been the usual post-Christmas sales, but no – that wasn’t it. In fact for the most part, the shopping center was fairly vacant. Upon further notice, I realized that almost ALL the cars were parked right in front of the gym.
 
Then it hit me – New Year’s resolutions off and running! That’s when I laughed out loud. I thought about taking a photo of that scene and then returning on February 2nd at noon to take a picture in the same spot to see how those resolutions turned out. The best laid plans of mice and men… and all that.
 
Just about every January magazine issue has something along the lines of the title of this article. It’s ridiculous but we all buy into it nonetheless. I’ll start the diet on January 1st, I’ll start the exercise program on Monday, I’ll start the cutting out the cake right after this birthday… Been there, done that cha, cha, cha.
 
I’m not cynical about New Year’s resolutions. In fact, in our family we have a tradition of taking a walk at the beach on New Year’s Day (regardless of the weather) and with each of us taking a turn, we share the following ruminations and reflections: For the year that just past, what were the things that we are really happy to see go, let go of, put in the past, say goodbye to (and why) AND what were the things that we are thankful for, look back with gratitude, feel good about having experienced, want to create more of. For the New Year – what are the things that we intend not to repeat or play out AND what are the things that we intend to make happen/accomplish, create.
 
I have to say that this is such a marvelous exercise and we really get into it. We dig deep, share our hearts and souls with each other and listen powerfully as we each take our turn exposing our inner most thoughts, desires and intentions. Then we go back home and finish up all the leftovers, including the cakes, cookies and holiday candy.

 
I’ll start that diet right after I polish off all those desserts!

 
 
 
Did you make some New Year’s resolutions? Please feel free to share those intentions in the Comments Box below.
 

Ada L Hasloecher
Divorce Mediator / Center Founder
Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC
Phone: 631-585-5210
eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Compromise – It’s Not a Dirty Word

 
I’m not sure when the word compromise became a dirty work and thus went out of favor. In our current politically correctworld, it seems that we all want to be assured that everyone will get everything they want, when they want it, and in the way they want it. Nice thought. But if life has taught us anything, it is that this is truly a false notion and when you really stop and think about it, a little ridiculous.

Mediation – A Means For Better Communication

 

In my years as a divorce and family mediator, I’ve seen over and over again what a critical role communication plays in relationships. I’ve also seen how mediation can encourage and improve communication between couples, potentially resulting in one of two very positive outcomes.
 
One outcome is that the parties are able to communicate and work together in a spirit of cooperation, coming to mutually satisfactory resolutions on all the issues that have to be included in their Settlement Agreement. The couple addresses the needs of the family in a balanced way and their collaboration helps their children make the transition to a new family structure which hopefully will be no less whole and secure for. When this occurs, I consider it a job well done.
 
This is not to say that it’s easy to get there, but the mediated setting allows for a dialogue between the couple that is not necessarily available in the litigated arena. This discourse can often lead to a new understanding between the parties.
 
When couples are contemplating a separation, they are focused on what’s NOT working in their relationship and understandably have an inventory of grievances to support this perspective. Once the focus is on “what’s wrong with this relationship”, communication between them breaks down and finding a way to hear each other becomes almost impossible.
 
Many married couples have, what I call, an “already listening” attitude with each other. What I mean by that is:

• They already know what the other person “means” when they say thus and so;
• They already know what the other person is going to say even before they say it;
• They already know the history behind what’s being said and therefore they don’t even bother listening anymore;
• They feel that they’ve heard it all before and it’s just going to be more of the same.

Which leads me to the second potential outcome of mediation, which is that it can lead to a revelation when one spouse hears something for the “first time.” As mediators, we strive to keep all lines of communication open and toward that end, we will often reframe and reflect what we are hearing from each of them in order to restate what was said in such a way that the other person can actually hear it.
 
In the “already listening” mode, one can completely miss what is actually said because the “listener” is only hearing what they thought was meant, not hearing what was actually stated. We are all guilty of this kind of listening. Just look at the face of a spouse who, at a party, has heard the other spouse tell a joke/story for the umpteenth time and you know what I mean. But what is essential for a mediation to be successful, is that each party be heard and understood so as a couple they can make good decisions together and continue to co-parent their children well.
 
When couples are able to communicate in mediation, they sometime have an exciting “Ah ha” moment. One such moment occurred when I was working with a couple on their parenting plan. This plan was complicated by the fact that the wife had been out of the work force for quite some time and now had to contemplate going back to work AND still be there for the kids when they came home from school. The husband worked in Manhattan so could provide no assistance in that regard. Naturally, she was upset about the situation for all the obvious reasons, not the least of which included her anxiety about getting back into the work force after all the years on the side lines while she was raising the children.
 
During that session, the husband acknowledged her for the amazing job she had done raising the children while he was an almost “absentee” father. He praised her for her fortitude, intelligence and wits. He apologized to her for having to put up with him all those years.
 
I watched her face as he spoke. It transformed from a grimace to one of sheer astonishment. She looked at him with tears in her eyes and said: “You never told me that before.” It was truly a beautiful moment. They put the mediation on hold, agreed to go to couple counseling and I never heard from them again. The best kind of mediation success story!
 
If not for the mediation setting, this wonderful occasion of pure communication might never have occurred. This is the potential that mediation holds. It doesn’t always end in happily ever after, but it can create a new “listening” relationship for a couple that can hold them in good stead as they transition their relationship into the future.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Mediation – How long is this going to take?

 
I am often asked this question by potential clients during my initial intake. People know that mediation is a more streamlined process than a litigated divorce but they really have no idea of the time table for completion.

• How many sessions?
• How long are the sessions?
• Do we meet every week?
• Will it take a few months, six months, longer?

There is no standard timeline for completing mediation because the timeline depends on any number of things, not the least of which is the couple’s ability to work together not only during the sessions but outside the mediation room as well. I would say that on average it takes three to five 1-1 ½ hour sessions for couples with children. Couples with short term marriages or no children most likely can complete the mediation in one or two sessions.

 
That said, what I have found interesting over the years is that each couple has an instinctive time frame within which the mediation process progresses. It is a kind of natural progression and the pace that is set for all the financial, emotional and spiritual components to come together is very specific and different for each couple. The following are two examples of this phenomenon.
 
Couple 1
 

A couple started their mediation in June of 2010. There were a number of difficult issues including the fact that the wife was trying desperately to hold onto the house which had been in her family for several generations. Money was extremely tight and no matter how they turned and twisted the finances, it was becoming increasingly apparent that she had to let the house go. At the same time, the husband was facing a job transition.
 

We had the first two mediations within one month, then they took a break for five months. When they came back, we worked together for the next few months and then took another break for 8 months. They returned just recently.

The transformation that occurred was really remarkable to observe. First of all, the husband, who had moved out of the house early in the mediation, gladly provided the wife with the required child support. And, because he understood that she needed time to wrap her head around the eventual loss of the house, he also helped her to pay the mortgage and bills for the house during their hiatus from the mediation. They had worked out a parenting plan during the early mediation sessions and all continued to go well on that score.

When they came back to see me recently, they were both in great spirits. In fact, when I opened the door to the waiting room, they were amiably chatting about their two boys and sharing a laugh about the antics of one of them. In the interim, they had sold the house and split the net sale proceeds. The wife was now in a new committed relationship. She was happy and her husband was happy for her. As a result, the boys were doing very well too.

 
In this case, one could say that the mediation took a year and a half to complete. They had only seven mediation sessions, but the non-adversarial process of mediation allowed them to work together outside of the sessions and get the really important work done with each other before they came to see me for the final session. Having experienced the give and take nature of the process during their seven sessions, they were able to work together in a mutually beneficial way.
 
Couple 2
 

I had another mediation that one would expect to have been done very quickly. When the parties came to see me they had been married for only nine months. The first session was really the only one that was needed and in less than an hour, I had most of the information required to begin drafting the Memorandum of Understanding. All that was required was some additional documentation and clarification on some of the issues we had discussed together.

They were going to email me the remaining information, and there were a few emails over the next couple of months, but neither of them fully complied with my requests. After several emails and a call from the wife, it became clear to me that although the mediation itself was quick, connecting the heart with the mind took a bit more time.

What I found fascinating was a question the wife asked when the first session was concluded. She looked at me and said: “That’s it?” It was hard for her to fathom, after all the hoopla of the wedding plans and the first months of marriage, that when the marriage fell apart, the ending was so fast.

I often tell my couples that: “Getting married is easy, getting unmarried is uneasy.” And here is an example of how the dissolution of a marriage can take time no matter how short it was. This couple has not yet completed the mediation.
 
So the answer to the question – “how long will this take” is different for every couple and family. Some couples are on the same page, move things quickly and get it done. Others need time to allow the heart, mind and perhaps finances to connect. Mediation puts the control in the hands of the parties and lets them set the pace and timetable that works best for them.
 
The mediation process permits the parties to take whatever time they need to think things through in a way that will allow them to make the transition from being married to being separated with dignity and respect.
 

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Modification Of The Agreement

 
During the mediation couples will often ask: “What happens if we want to change something in our Agreement once the divorce judgment has been signed – how do we do that?” This is a great question. After all, although the Agreement is somewhat static, life is fluid and circumstances change.

One of the provisions many couples include in their original Agreement is to return to mediation together to resolve these issues. This is a lot less costly than trying to litigate and attempt to resolve in court. After all, they worked things out together in mediation, why not continue in that process if there is a need to modify the Agreement in the future?

In my experience, two of the most common modifications that may need to be made have to do with child support and/or the parenting plan.

Child Support

With respect to child support, we address a recalculation of it in the Agreement so that going forward, the original amount is either adjusted for inflation (for example, using the annual CPI) or accommodated by having the couple exchange tax returns every year, or every other year, to accurately reflect the real earnings of the parties.

But what happens if:

• There is a change in circumstances?
• One of the parents loses their job or has to take a significant pay cut?
• One parent gets a promotion and along with that a requisite raise with a bonus?
• There is a change in residential custody?

Because changes often occur either with the income of the parents, the expenses of raising the children or the residence of the children, many couples agree to modify the amount of the child support contained in their original Agreement.

The Parenting Plan

The other common modification I see has to do with the parenting plan. If a couple has very small children, the plan they put in place while the children are in daycare is quite different than the plan they will establish once the children start school. And let’s not underestimate the changes that will likely occur with a parenting plan that was created for pre-schoolers or elementary school aged children, when those children become teenagers!

If there is a shift in custody, where the children are now residing with the parent who was the non-custodial parent in the original Agreement, then, of course, a new parenting plan needs to be established.

No matter what circumstantial change may occur, mediation is the most sensible process within which to make the mutually satisfactory modifications to the original Agreement. This ensures that the modifications will not disrupt the harmonious intention and continuity of the family.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Raking Over the Coals

I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard one spouse say to the other during a heated discourse about dividing the marital assets and debts: “I don’t want to rake you over the coals, but….” I was curious where this idiom started and how, when couples are discussing their financial situation in a divorce, it has come to mean taking them for everything they are worth.

There are two “over the coals” phrases. The first, actually using the word “rake” describes a housekeeping chore where you would go through the coals with a rake in order to clear out the cold coals and gently stir up any that still might hold an ember. In the old days, this was done to freshen up the fireplace or coal stove in preparation for a new fire.

 
The phrase ultimately came to be used as an idiom to express an unwritten “pact of forgetting” in which both sides agreed not to stir up or rehash old business and to let bygones be bygones. In other words, things are done with and ought to be allowed to rest or be forgotten.
 

The other phrase was to “haul someone over the coals.” This time the implication is that the coals are hot and the intent is to give someone a hard time, to hurt or punish them. It’s actually a rather unpleasant image and connotes a feeling of revenge.
 
Somewhere along the line the original meaning (let bygones be bygones) has been co-opted by the second. When and where the meaning of “rake someone over the coals” morphed into “haul someone over the coals” implying that one is out to destroy the other, leave them with little or nothing and hence, humiliate and devastate them (ouch!), remains a mystery.
 
So let’s explore this newly (mis)understood intent. New York State is an equitable distribution state and as such the goal is to divide everything fairly and equitably. The concept is to arrive at a place where both parties have divided their assets and debts in such a way, that neither is living “high on the hog” while the other lives in a “cardboard box.” Therefore, the idea that one person is going to “rake the other over the coals”, is a misstated perception because whatever the couple accrued during the marriage is marital property which will be divided equitably. There is usually one pool of money from which everything gets divided, so though you may feel the desire to “rake your spouse over the coals,” it is really a self-defeating concept.
 
Let’s face it, no matter how upset and angry you may be with your soon to be ex-spouse, do you really want the children to see one parent suffering? Regardless of how you may feel about your former partner, they are still a parent to your children and have the same parental needs and rights as you do. Moreover, placing the children in the middle of a contentious battle over money is just plain wrong. Both parents need to be able to provide for the children and if one parent is struggling financially, it puts an undue burden on them. Kids need to be kids and not referees. Nor do they need to worry where their next meal is coming from or take on the role of emotional caretaker to the potentially non-monied spouse.
 
Even in mediation, which is certainly a benign approach to a separation, when it comes to money, things can get hot and discussions can turn into arguments. By stepping back and taking the long view of the situation, understanding the necessity for financial stability for both parties and keeping in mind the best needs of the children, we can forge a consensus that reflects the true meaning of “raking over the coals.”

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

The Post Separated, Single Parent . . . Couple

Part II

 
When crafting a parenting plan, the most important consideration is that the children have as much access to both parents as possible. Research strongly suggests that children who are co-parented by loving, involved and cooperative parents are significantly impacted in a more positive way in both the short and long term. They become happier, more confident, and well adjusted adults. This just makes sense.

If the couple has worked out a joint custody arrangement (joint decision making) with one parent being the custodial parent (CP) and the other being the non-residential custodial parent (NRCP), the challenge is how to create a balance of shared time with the children.
 
This is not only crucial for the children, but also for the parents. And it is especially true if the NRCP has been extremely involved in the day to day lives of the children. The very thought of not being there every day to tuck the kids in at night or have breakfast with them before school can be particularly disconcerting.
 
Working in substantial time for the children to be with the NRCP is key for a number of reasons. For the CP, he or she may soon find that being a 24 hour parent is both physically and mentally exhausting. Soon enough, the idea that the NRCP will be picking the kids up on Friday at 6:00 and bringing them home on Sunday at 7:00 starts to sound like a brilliant concept! If the NCRP’s work schedule is such that access to the children during the weekdays is limited, any block of time he or she will have with the children will be that much more significant.
Two of the central factors that parents need to reflect on when working on their parenting plan are the ages of the children and the parents’ schedules (work and otherwise). For the most part, this will guide the calendar more than anything else. Additional factors may include: the maturity of the children, consideration of their individual needs and desires (if appropriate) and most importantly, honoring the relationship they have with both parents prior to the separation.
 
Before the separation, both parents, dwelling in the marital home together, tend to make all the day to day decisions about the children without realizing they’re doing it:

• What afterschool activity does Jack have today and who is going to be home to pick him up?
• What birthday gift has to be purchased for Jennifer’s friend’s party this Saturday and who is going to shop for it?
• How are we going to get Jack to his soccer game and Jennifer to her party and what does the pickup schedule look like?
• Who is going to work on the science project with Jennifer and who will make sure that the math tutor is secured for Jack?

These, and so many more decisions are made every day while cleaning up the kitchen together, working side by side raking the leaves, or by text message/phone call when parents are working during the day. Now, in a post-separation world, they will have to figure out how to continue to make those “joint” decisions for the children while living apart.

For every couple, there are infinite varieties of plans they can work out together and I’ve seen couples come up with an amazing array of possibilities. For example:

• One parent works a midnight to 9:00 am shift and can be available for the children after school until the other parent comes home from work.
• The NRCP works a regular schedule and can only be available several nights during the week for dinner with the children, with the possibility that one or more of those evenings can be an overnight.

There is no “one size fits all,” so by working together, we can tease out all kinds of options until we create a workable arrangement that provides as much access as both parents need and desire. Mediation offers the forum to craft flexible and creative schedules that reflect and satisfy the needs of the entire family.
 
Bear in mind that creating a united front to the children will be very important here. Once the plan is in place, it may take a little time for everyone to get used to it. Although tweaking it may come in time, we know that children can be wily and sensing discord between their parents, can easily manipulate and exploit a situation to their advantage. Therefore, a common parent narrative (what you agree to tell your children about the parenting plan), the ability to be open to adjustments if necessary and appropriate, and most importantly, the intention to create a practical and effective plan that works for both the parents and the children is not only an attainable goal but imperative to the success of your post-separation family arrangement.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Part I

You’re probably wondering what this title could possibly mean. It is unusual, but accurately describes what actually goes on for most couples parenting their children in a post –separation world. And because of that, I thought it worthy of closer examination.

I find in my mediations, that many couples choose joint custody (joint decision-making) with one parent being the residential custodial parent (where the children reside most of the time). Before we explore this concept, you may want to refer to my article “Child Custody Arrangements” where I give a detailed explanation of the various custody arrangements in New York State.

When we work on a joint custody co-parenting plan, the bulk of the time spent with the children naturally falls on the residential custodial parent. After all, when the children wake up in the morning, it’s that parent who gets them up and ready for school or camp; when the children come home, there are usually extra curricular activities to run to like soccer practice, tutoring or some other after school pursuit. The children have homework to do, school projects to work on, dinner to eat, showers to take and then wind-down before bed time. I’m exhausted just writing about it!

The residential custodial parent is usually the taskmaster, homework nagger, referee of sibling disputes, cook, clean laundry producer, computer fixer, taxi and all around authority figure. When spouses live together, they share in all of these responsibilities. However, now that they are living separately, a new plan must be constructed to include the full participation of both parents, not only to ease the burden on the custodial parent, but for the welfare of the children as well.

I point this out because I have seen times when, during the heated debate about the separation, the custodial parent may threaten the non-custodial parent about access to the children. Aside from the fact that children should never be used as pawns in the negotiation (for all the obvious reasons), I don’t think it occurs to the custodial parent what life will be like being a “single” parent morning, noon and night, day in and day out. It doesn’t matter how much you love your children, parenting is tough business. While this may not feel burdensome at first, being the “on site” parent creates enormous pressure, and eventually, the need for a break will be essential.

Despite mapping out a weekly and monthly schedule that provides as much balance in the co-parenting as possible, the lion’s share of the time with the children still seems to fall on the custodial parent. The task at hand is thinking through a parenting plan that allows for as much shared day to day responsibility as possible within the constraints of the living arrangements. This is where mediation really is instrumental.

And so the title of this article: The post-separation, single parent….couple. Parents will always be parents and as such, the post–separated single parent will still be part of a couple as they co-parent their children.

BUT there is still that sticky issue of the custodial parent feeling like they are left holding the bag on everything as if they were a single parent. Stay tuned for part II.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

How Do We Get “There” Together?

In Part 1 of the “Financial-Emotional Conundrum” I touched on how the emotional aspect of our nature can often rule our responses to the many situations that either we bring to life or that life brings to us. One of the biggest, our financial situation, is frequently ruled by emotions.

When couples are considering a separation, one of the most challenging and important areas to be explored is how to allocate the available resources (money) so that both parties and the family have enough to live on. This can be a great source of emotional anxiety as the partners may feel that their safety and security is about to be threatened. When this happens, logic takes a back seat, feelings overwhelm and the fight or flight instinct kicks in.

One of the great benefits of mediation is that the process itself allows the couple to take a step back and look at the whole picture together. We put a little air around us as everyone’s needs are considered and addressed. We look at things from several points of view:

• How have you run the family finances in the past?
• What are the current needs?
• How do we accommodate those needs once the household is split?

The thing to keep in mind is that we earn what we earn, and unless there is another avenue of funds coming in, we live on what we take home in our paychecks, making ends meet as best we can. This is what we do when we are married and it will not change when we are separated. Although the parties may value things differently (which may be one of the reasons the relationship is no longer working), they must take into account each other’s financial contributions in order to figure out the best way to allocate those monies for the sake of the whole, meaning the entire family.

If money was tight before, it’s certainly going to be tight when you separate. The rule of thumb is that when you split households you are going to live on 30% less than what was available before. Think about it – at the very least, there will be two mortgage/rental payments, two sets of utility payments, not to mention higher car insurance rates and cell phone plans (when you unbundle the family plan) and so on. All of these things need to be taken into consideration.

In my mediation process, I include a budget session early on. I give my clients a very detailed “post separation” budget form and ask them to take it home and consider every line item on the form and account for it in some way. In living our lives day to day, you would be surprised how many expenses, we forget about. As things come up, we just shell out the money and don’t give much thought to, among other things:

• Extracurricular activities
• Haircuts
• Take-out food
• Hobby expenses
• Birthday gifts for the children’s friends
• Lunch money
• Weekend vacations, etc.

And it all adds up.

When I work with couples for whom money is already stretched, they are usually more prepared for the financial picture that emerges when we look at post separation budgets. However there are many who come to mediation with what I call a “sorta, kinda” idea of what their expenses are. Once we start crunching the numbers, the true picture comes to light. In today’s economy, even households with two incomes are not a guarantee that there will be enough to support a standard of living that partners are used to or feel they need/deserve/are entitled to, etc.

Together, we look at the post separation budgets and if necessary, separate the essentials from the non-essentials. Then we account for each spouse’s income, incorporate the child support calculations, maintenance (if appropriate) and begin exploring the various options to accommodate everyone’s needs going forward.

The reality is that things are going to change and working together, with the guidance of a mediator, to make the best of those changes is the way to go. By brainstorming ideas, teasing out the options, and thinking out of the box (you would be surprised at some of the amazing solutions people come up with) the likelihood that the parties will be able to live with, and within their agreements is much higher.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com