DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Separation/Divorce: Hoist With Your Own Petard

Ada Hasloecher — Wed, 09 May 2012 15:19:45 +0000

Hoist With Your Own Petard

When people ask me what is necessary in order for a mediation to be successful, my response is “a willingness to cooperate and negotiate in good faith.” These are words of wisdom from my mediation mentor. If the people who walk into my room have even a modicum of intention to that purpose, mediation is possible. Without it . . . well, you know.

Prior to mediation, couples do not have to have agreed to anything, see eye to eye on the issues or necessarily want the same things. What they do need is an intention to work together, plain and simple. When they do, magic can happen.

However there are times when it becomes clear that one (or both) of the parties may be participating either in a disingenuous or self-serving way. In that case, the possibility to create a mutually agreeable outcome is rather slim.

“Hoist with your own petard” is a really an interesting expression, peculiar in that most of us have no idea what a petard is and why would we hoist ourselves with it once we did?! Moreover, what could this possibly have to do with mediation?

Let’s start with the definition: Webster’s dictionary defines petard as 1) a metal cone filled with explosives, fastened in ancient warfare to walls and gates and exploded to force an opening (in other words, a bomb); and “hoist with (or by) one’s own petard” is to be destroyed by the very device with which one meant to destroy others. In other words – a sort of self- sabotage. In either case, it is a self-destructive venture that unfortunately, is not often seen as such at the time.

In my mediations, I’ve seen this phenomenon from time to time. Perhaps in an attempt to gain control of a situation or when we feel that our security is at risk, a knee jerk reaction can be to hurl any threat or do whatever we deem necessary to get our way and preserve what we feel is rightly ours. And in that attempt is often a risk to our own security (financial and otherwise) and well being. Thus, we hoist ourselves by our own petard!

A case in point is a mediation I had with a couple a few years ago who I will call Jason and Jill. They had three children with the oldest one having severe special needs. This had put a particular strain on their relationship. I believe this marriage would have ended regardless, but the stress of coping with the requirements for their children, especially the special needs child, and their different approaches to dealing with the disability, probably precipitated the end sooner than later. The pressure on both of them was palpable and I could see that Jason was really having a hard time dealing with his daughter’s disability.

Jason was desperately trying to hold onto the house, which he could ill afford. He didn’t want to sell it because it infuriated him that he would not be able to recoup his investment due to the housing recession – a situation many couples are facing these days. The reality was that in holding onto the house, he would be “house poor” so the need to explore other options was important. Jill was planning to move in with her parents who could assist with the care for the children. However her name was on both the mortgage and the deed so she had a vested interest in the decision about the house.

Jason’s upset and anger over the situation was causing him to lose sight of so many things. He refused to discuss maintenance, claiming that he had no money to “pay her,” but were he to consider other options for the house, relieving himself of the financial burdens of the mortgage and utilities, he could provide the maintenance Jill needed.

Clearly Jason had his own idea about the outcome of the mediation and I was beginning to sense his resistance to anything that did not coincide with that idea. I suggested that we explore the possible options for the house to see which might have the least ill effect on both of them. He balked but Jill wanted to develop some strategies, so on the board went the following options:

Short sale the house.
Allow the house to go into foreclosure.
Consider a renter to share the house with Jason for a period of time to assist in paying down the mortgage. Then, incorporate a time frame at which point Jason would refinance the house in his own name.

With these options defined, I encouraged them to consult with a real estate attorney who could advise and guide them about which approach (or possibly another one that we did not consider) would ultimately benefit them both.

Jason would hear none of it. He said all of this was a waste of his time, he didn’t have the money to hire a real estate attorney and moreover he knew what needed to be done. He would just hold onto the house, do whatever he had to do to keep it and take his chances in court.

I attempted to explain all the potential liabilities of litigating (the time it would take, the money it would cost, etc.), but he was either unwilling or incapable of seeing beyond his own immediate self-interest. By doing so, he put so much at risk not only for himself but especially for their children, which results in everyone being hoisted by his petard!

When you come to mediation, simply bring your intention to work together, and leave the petards at home!

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it. Please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Separation/Divorce: Perspective

Ada Hasloecher — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 21:09:35 +0000

Perspective

I love this word and how it pertains to mediation. Webster’s dictionary defines it several ways starting with the original Latin root, perspicere, which means “to look through.” Two other definitions that stand out to me are: 1) The relationship or proportion of the parts of a whole, regarded from a particular standpoint or point in time; 2) A specific point of view in understanding or judging things or events, especially one that shows them in their true relations to one another. So interesting!

Therefore, our perspective depends on where we’re standing (our standpoint) and how we view everything from there. It’s relative, isn’t it? I’ve been pondering and testing this phenomenon lately in all areas of my life and especially see the relevance in my mediation practice.

As a mediator, I naturally tend to see things from the mediation perspective. My “per-spective” therefore is to look through (to), look toward, and look forward. And since mediation is about seeking balance, fairness, equanimity, agreement and resolution, this is my standpoint or the place I’m coming from.

My clients have their own perspectives to be sure. Those perspectives may be the same or similar to mine or they may be something else entirely. I won’t know until they come in together and we discuss “where they’re at” and what they want to see happen. One of my jobs as a mediator is to help them see each other’s point of view: to see the degree to which they are aligned and/or the degree where they are different. Degrees, standpoints, alignments…who knew there was so much math to mediation!

The perspective of mediation is to stand in such a place as to be conscious of how each person’s standpoint affects and adjusts the other person’s standpoint. There is always an anticipatory tension at play when couples begin the mediation. They may know or think they know where the other spouse is coming from; they may have their list of grievances, wishes or demands. But those fixed perspectives can become tested once we explore all sides of the issues, examine everything in relationship to everything else, and see where the common interests converge. There is a relativity to it all and where at first look, their self interests may seem divergent, but by allowing the other perspective to come to light, the gaping differences may not actually be that different at all.

One of the most important facets of mediation is the potential for the fulfillment of a mutual vision for the future. The mediation perspective allows for this state of alertness, awareness, and attention as the parties move toward something meaningful for themselves and their families.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Separation/Divorce: My Lawyer Said . . .

Ada Hasloecher — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 17:50:45 +0000

My Lawyer Said . . .

How many times have I heard the words: “Well, my lawyer said . . .” while mediating a challenging couple? When that ball gets lobbed over the net, it tends to indicate one or more of the following scenarios:

That someone is not happy with the direction things are going thus far
They have an unconscious wish for rescue
Or they may merely be reciting their “legal entitlement” as a way of getting what they want.

I have a great deal of respect for many matrimonial attorneys. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to advocate for someone who may have unrealistic expectations about the legal process and/or irrational notions about the outcome of a litigated divorce. When emotions are high and the fight or flight instincts are at unparalleled levels, trying to bring calm and reason to the storm is no easy task. It’s no wonder legal fees can be so high.

When a lawyer is consulted by a potential client, clearly they are hearing one side of the story. And the job of the attorney is to advocate for his or her client, advise them of their legal rights, and ultimately go for the “win” without the need of consideration for the “other” side’s needs or wishes. It’s a sort of zero sum game – one side wins, the other side loses. This is the main feature of the adversarial system, plain and simple.

The core and compelling difference between litigation and mediation is that as mediators, we go for the win for all the parties involved. And our clients are not just the couple sitting in our office but the invisible ones as well; the ones who can’t speak for themselves – the children. Mediation is a family focused process, plain and simple.

Sounds like a corny, marketing line, right? But it is the truth.

We, as mediators, are not advocating, nor representing either party in the mediation; therefore it’s perfectly acceptable and sometimes a good idea for the parties to consult with an attorney along the way. Mediators, even those who are attorneys, cannot and therefore do not, give our clients legal advice. What we provide is information so that our clients can make informed decisions for themselves.

So while I’m interested and often intrigued by what the lawyer “may have” said to the client, I am also on the lookout for the way the questions were posited to the attorney and therefore answered, whether or not all the information dispensed was received clearly and without interpretation, and if it was even possible to have the mediated perspective included. As the mediator working with both parties, my focus is manifold: consideration for the actual agreements being made by the parties as well as the context, tone, quality and efficacy within which they were made.

I imagine it would be difficult to advise a client without really understanding the framework by which ALL the agreements were made in the mediation. In light of this, if there is no context from which to draw their conclusions and advice, it would be unfair to assess the answers the attorney may have offered. The challenge is how to include the advice of the client’s attorney without undermining the mediation process.

As mediators, we strive for clarity, balance, and ultimately, practical results for our clients, both visible and invisible.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Separation/Divorce: Star Trek Wisdom

Ada Hasloecher — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 18:24:15 +0000

Star Trek Wisdom

Let me start off by disclaiming that I am not a Trekkie. However, I did grow up watching the original Star Trek TV show and readily admit to watching the reruns over the years. I followed up watching the second and third reiteration of the show (loved Patrick Stewart) and saw the first five Star Trek movies. Did I say I wasn’t a Trekkie? Well at least I didn’t dress up as Uhura and attend the conventions! Just watching William Shatner sprout hair post series alone is worth a re-look.

Gene Roddenberry was not only the brainchild and author of the series, but he was a moralist, a philosopher, a theorist. Drawing from many great thinkers before him, he created a program that was a morality play of sorts, challenging us to look at ourselves in the realm of a make believe, futuristic world where all of our human emotions and ideals are tried and tested. We loved it not only because it entertained us, but because it caused us to confront our ideas about humanism, religion, egoism, diversity, truth. Each character encompassed a composite of ourselves and each story encouraged us to look at life and consider alternate universes both interior and exterior.

This brings me to my point and in so doing I use one of Star Trek’s most memorable quotes. It’s from the second feature film, Star Trek II, The Wrath of Khan. Spock, in sacrificing his life for the greater good, explains his actions to Captain James T. Kirk, who is devastated when he realizes he is about to lose his lifelong friend. Spock tells him: “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few” And Kirk’s anguished reply: “Or the one.” This quote is in the lexicon now – everyone of a certain age knows it, recites it and I would say, pretty much agrees with it.

So how does this relate to mediation? Very well in fact! Because mediation is a forum by which people come together to address not only their own self interests but the interests of everyone involved in the relationship. The concept of the greater good is of paramount consideration.

When a couple decides to separate, they are not the only ones affected by this event, although at the outset, it’s sometimes difficult to fully recognize this. Any children of the marriage are the most important ones caught up in the divorce or separation, but the affects can also be felt by the couples’ parents, extended family, close friends and even work colleagues. Once this recognition occurs, it brings a larger perspective to the entire process and I believe a higher awareness and sensitivity that promises a better outcome for the entire family. The needs of the many do indeed outweigh the needs of the few… or the one.

This whole concept occurred to me as I watched several couples recently come to this conclusion rather quickly during their mediation. While at first their anxiety about the impending separation was overwhelming to them, the benign process of mediation allowed for the flow of thoughtful and respectful conversation. And embedded in those contemplative exchanges the needs of the many did indeed flourish.

Thank you Mr. Spock!

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Separation/Divorce: You’re Invited!!

Ada Hasloecher — Wed, 29 Feb 2012 02:16:06 +0000

You’re Invited

I’m Giving a Talk on Divorce Mediation at the Mid Island Clinical Connection 3/2/2012

I will be speaking on the topic “Divorce and Family Mediation: The Sensible Approach for Families In Transition” at the The Mid Island Clinical Connection this Friday, March 2 from 9:00 to 10:00 a.m.

For couples who are thinking of going through a separation or divorce, there are a myriad of questions, concerns, fears and desires for the future that need to be addressed and ultimately resolved. When the emotional and financial well-being of the entire family is hanging in the balance, the choice that couples make about the process they use to work through their differences can be crucial.

I will examine the differences between a mediated and litigated divorce, walk through the anatomy of a divorce mediation, discuss how mental health professionals can play an active role in the process and explore why, for most couples, it just makes sense to choose this alternative.

This will be an interactive session with your questions being an integral part of the presentation, so please plan to attend.

The Mid Island Clinical Connection

When: Friday, March 2, 2012

Where: 31 John Street Amityville, NY 1170
Training Center Building (next to Seafield Center – Amityville)

*Amityville stop on the Babylon line of the LIRR

Program begins @ 9:00AM & ends @ 10:00AM
Additional networking opportunity 10:00AM – 10:30 AM

If you know anyone who would be interested in attending this event, do not hesitate to forward this Invitation to them.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Separation/Divorce: Irked

Ada Hasloecher — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 19:27:17 +0000

Irked

As I was driving to the office one day in early February and listening to NPR (National Public Radio), I noticed that not one, but several broadcasters during the course of the programming, pronounced the month of February as Feb-U-ary. Now these are well educated, well read professionals so I was a little taken aback by the mispronunciation. And it bothered me. Is it so difficult to put the RU in FebRUary? Is it really such a tongue twister? This is not the first time I’ve noticed this trend, but lately it seems to be coming thick and fast and I wondered why I was so irked by it.

My birthday is in FebRUary and I guess I feel a bit proprietary about the month. I also majored in Latin and Greek way back when and therefore languages, in all their incarnations have always held a fascination for me. In studying etymology (origin or development of a word….) over the years, I do know that it’s natural for words, their meanings as well as their pronunciations to change over the course of time. It’s the natural evolution of things. Once upon a time, the word “nice” meant simple – as in simple-minded.

So I really thought about the reaction I had to hearing Feb-U-ary instead of Feb-RU-ary. It’s a little ridiculous I know when there are so many other things to be bothered about. But it’s the little things in life…. isn’t it?

In staying with my reaction of annoyance, I started to think about my clients and the little things that set them off. Often they will work out the big issues with no problem but then get jammed on who gets to keep the flat screen TV; Or one parent will insist on being the “residential custodial” parent on paper even though they have worked out a shared custody arrangement; I had one client insist that the other spouse reimburse her the modicum of expense for the additional health premium for their child, even though money was not an issue for either of them; and then there was the tug-o-war over the Papa Smurf figurine.

We are not always aware of why something means something to us, or bothers us. It can be such a little thing on the face of it, but upon closer inspection, we find that there is a deeper, more profound need or fear that somehow is not being met. Or perhaps it brings up old wounds and without realizing it, we attach significance to something that has no relevance to the issue at hand.

As I rode in the car, pondering this, I asked myself what was really irking me about the mis-pronunciation of the month of February. And you know what? I couldn’t come up with a single, rational reason other than “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to….”

Oh, and be careful who you call “nice”.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Separation/Divorce: To Complete or Not To Complete

Ada Hasloecher — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 01:04:50 +0000

To Complete or Not To Complete

One of the many advantages of mediation is that clients set their own pace to accomplish their goals. That said, on a regular basis, I review my client files to see which ones are still open and incomplete – clients who, for a variety of reasons, have not scheduled a follow up session.

Some couples come in and want to get things done “as soon as possible” or as one wife described it: “I’d rather pull the band-aid off fast”. For those couples who want to move forward quickly, we schedule the sessions in a steady stream, they tend to work on issues with each other outside of our meetings and they stay the course until the Settlement Agreement is signed. All of this is accomplished in pretty short order.

Others need to take their time. There could be a reluctant spouse who needs time to allow the emotional impact of what’s happening to settle in. Or money is tight and they need to spread out their appointments. Some couples want to get certain arrangements in place and operating first (such as a parenting plan, for example) before they move onto the next issue. Working out those arrangements typically takes time.

What I find fascinating are the clients who at first want to move briskly, and in fact do, but then do not return sometimes for many months (in one case almost a year) even though they were just about done with the mediation and I was ready to write up their Agreement. I always follow up with my clients to see what the status is and what I can do to help them bring closure. When I follow up with these clients, they will often give me some version of: “All is well, we will definitely be returning, but everything is okay for now.” It seems that they just need to let things roll for a while to see how the parenting plan, the child support and maintenance are working out before they return.

The mediation process is such that it allows couples to live with their agreements as they go along, test them out, tweak the parts that are not working, etc. Just knowing that they are both honoring the agreements can be enough for the duration. Had they not been mediating and had chosen to litigate, the boxing gloves would have been on, which would make it virtually impossible to mutually agree on anything, let alone try things out as they proceed through the separation.

Although I may not know the reasons why things were put on hold for a while, when they return, I do find that they are more on purpose, more in sync with each and at the very least, clear about finalizing the separation.

So, complete or not complete? Mediation lets you decide when the time is right.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Separation/Divorce: To Everything There Is A Season

Ada Hasloecher — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 21:29:47 +0000

To Everything There Is A Season

I attended a monthly dinner meeting a few days ago and in kicking off the New Year, it was held at a new venue – a well known restaurant/inn on Long Island. I’ve been there many times before and it is a lovely place.

The meeting took place on January 10th. The outside of the Inn and surrounding grounds were still decked out with holiday lights but nothing prepared me for what I found when I went inside. It was still completely decorated with Christmas trees, ornaments, twinkling lights, and mini-Christmas scenes. Even the requisite poinsettias were still strewn throughout the rooms, dining and otherwise. I counted on my toes and figured out that the 12 days of Christmas had passed 3 days ago. Perhaps I’m splitting hairs here, but there was something about moving into mid-January and still seeing not only the vestiges, but a full blown array of Christmas fare that just didn’t sit right.

For some, the holiday season from Thanksgiving through the New Year is laced and perhaps fraught with a mix of tumult, family, expectation, friends, financial expenditure, family, parties, food, family, late nights, over eating . . . Oh, and did I say family? It can be the best of times or it can be the worst of times depending on where you stand during this yearly season of good cheer!

I bring this up because I wondered why I had such a visceral reaction in seeing all the seasonal decorations still up. Then it hit me. I like January. I like the cold weather, I like the bare and spare look of everything post-holiday, post-man made ornamentation. The trees are stripped of their leaves and everything stands out in stark relief. There is something clean, clear, refreshing and somehow restful about it after all the over indulgences of the holidays. I’m actually glad to stop over-eating!

So this also got me thinking about an interesting phenomenon that occurs in my practice. Every year, both during and after the holiday, the phone starts ringing off the hook with potential clients calling about my divorce mediation services. When this starts happening, I’m reminded that for those people, the recent holidays have more than likely represented the “worst of times.” In trying to hold everything together “for the kids” or to give it “one last shot,” they wait until they feel they can’t wait any longer and then make the call.

After spending time with them on the phone doing an intake, some will schedule the half hour no fee consultation right away while some others hold off. For those who book the session, the holidays may have crystallized the notion that moving forward to explore a separation is ripe for them. Perhaps the ones who wait need to give themselves the time to let the hyped up emotions of the holidays settle down and allow the quiet of true winter to see things in their clarity before they take the next step.

To everything there is a season. Trust your heart to know when the time is right for you.

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it and please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Life Tips – How To Lose 20 Pounds In 20 Minutes!

Ada Hasloecher — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 01:20:03 +0000

How To Lose 20 Pounds In 20 Minutes!

I started the New Year with a good laugh – which is always a good thing.

On January 2nd, I was driving past my neighborhood shopping center where a local gymnasium occupies the end cap. Usually, the parking lot is pretty empty. But here it was around noon and there was not a parking space to be had. At first I wondered what the heck was going on!

I looked at all the other shops thinking that there must have been the usual post-Christmas sales, but no – that wasn’t it. In fact for the most part, the shopping center was fairly vacant. Upon further notice, I realized that almost ALL the cars were parked right in front of the gym.

Then it hit me – New Year’s resolutions off and running! That’s when I laughed out loud. I thought about taking a photo of that scene and then returning on February 2nd at noon to take a picture in the same spot to see how those resolutions turned out. The best laid plans of mice and men… and all that.

Just about every January magazine issue has something along the lines of the title of this article. It’s ridiculous but we all buy into it nonetheless. I’ll start the diet on January 1st, I’ll start the exercise program on Monday, I’ll start the cutting out the cake right after this birthday… Been there, done that cha, cha, cha.

I’m not cynical about New Year’s resolutions. In fact, in our family we have a tradition of taking a walk at the beach on New Year’s Day (regardless of the weather) and with each of us taking a turn, we share the following ruminations and reflections: For the year that just past, what were the things that we are really happy to see go, let go of, put in the past, say goodbye to (and why) AND what were the things that we are thankful for, look back with gratitude, feel good about having experienced, want to create more of. For the New Year – what are the things that we intend not to repeat or play out AND what are the things that we intend to make happen/accomplish, create.

I have to say that this is such a marvelous exercise and we really get into it. We dig deep, share our hearts and souls with each other and listen powerfully as we each take our turn exposing our inner most thoughts, desires and intentions. Then we go back home and finish up all the leftovers, including the cakes, cookies and holiday candy.

I’ll start that diet right after I polish off all those desserts!

Did you make some New Year’s resolutions? Please feel free to share those intentions in the Comments Box below.

Ada L Hasloecher
Divorce Mediator / Center Founder
Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC
Phone: 631-585-5210
eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Separation/Divorce – Compromise – It’s Not a Dirty Word

Ada Hasloecher — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 01:49:38 +0000

Compromise – It’s Not a Dirty Word

I’m not sure when the word compromise became a dirty work and thus went out of favor. In our current politically correctworld, it seems that we all want to be assured that everyone will get everything they want, when they want it, and in the way they want it. Nice thought. But if life has taught us anything, it is that this is truly a false notion and when you really stop and think about it, a little ridiculous.

We only have to look at what’s happening in Washington to see how the lack of willingness to compromise has brought us to our knees. The crippling deadlock has a stranglehold on our society and no matter where you are on the political spectrum; most national polls suggest that a significant majority of Americans are sick of it. They want their representatives to get off the dime and work together to solve the serious problems we face as a nation. They want compromise!

It may be a good idea to start with the dictionary definitions so we’re all on the same page as we explore this concept. If we go to Webster’s, it states:

1. Compromise: A settlement in which each side gives up some demands or makes concessions

2. Concession: An act of conceding, granting, yielding

3. Concede: To admit as true or valid; acknowledge

4. Negotiate: To confer, bargain or discuss with a view to reaching agreement.

5. Confer: To give, grant, bestow

6. Mediate: Bring about by conciliation

7. Conciliate: To bring together, win over; to gain (regard, good will, etc.) by friendly acts.

As you dig down into each definition, another word arises that brings clarity and distinction to the original word. When we include all the definitions in light of mediation, they illuminate one basic concept – the idea of give and take, zig and zag, back and forth until a mutually agreeable settlement is reached.

Even if we remove the word “compromise” from the lexicon and insert “negotiation” – we’re still pretty much talking about the same thing: giving up something in order to get something else. Dr. Phil says that life is a negotiation. And although my friend Aebra says I lose my street “cred” when I quote him, the truth is he’s absolutely right.

During a mediation when my clients seem to be digging their heels in on their fixed positions, I will sometimes offer a gentle reminder that we are all adults in the room and nobody really gets everything they want. Only children can have that sort of magical thinking. But, we want to use that strong desire as an opportunity to explore that position, acknowledge the need or the fear that has them holding tight to it and see if there is a way to compromise.

Compromise – there’s that word again! But it doesn’t necessarily mean giving up something that is truly important. If in the course of a meaningful dialogue (and mediation is the perfect forum for meaningful dialogue), the parties are able to concede the other side’s point of view, (remember the definition of concede: “to admit as true or valid, acknowledge”), then a completely different sort of communication, a new “listening” if you will, can begin. This in turn, can lead to a whole host of positive possibilities. When something is really that important to one party and the other person, as a result of this new listening, is able to truly see it, then a compromise can be crafted where something else, perhaps less vital to the first party, can be put on the table in exchange. This is called negotiation and compromises are part of the package. Not so bad!

Nothing in life is black and white and it can take a little doing to ultimately come to these mutually agreeable resolutions, but it doesn’t matter what you call the means to get there – compromise, negotiation, concession, etc. In the end what matters is that each person in the mediation walks away with agreements that make sense to them and that they feel they can live with.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com