When people ask me what is necessary in order for a mediation to be successful, my response is “a willingness to cooperate and negotiate in good faith.” These are words of wisdom from my mediation mentor. If the people who walk into my room have even a modicum of intention to that purpose, mediation is possible. Without it . . . well, you know.

Prior to mediation, couples do not have to have agreed to anything, see eye to eye on the issues or necessarily want the same things. What they do need is an intention to work together, plain and simple. When they do, magic can happen.

However there are times when it becomes clear that one (or both) of the parties may be participating either in a disingenuous or self-serving way. In that case, the possibility to create a mutually agreeable outcome is rather slim.
 
“Hoist with your own petard” is a really an interesting expression, peculiar in that most of us have no idea what a petard is and why would we hoist ourselves with it once we did?! Moreover, what could this possibly have to do with mediation?
 
Let’s start with the definition: Webster’s dictionary defines petard as 1) a metal cone filled with explosives, fastened in ancient warfare to walls and gates and exploded to force an opening (in other words, a bomb); and “hoist with (or by) one’s own petard” is to be destroyed by the very device with which one meant to destroy others. In other words – a sort of self- sabotage. In either case, it is a self-destructive venture that unfortunately, is not often seen as such at the time.
 
In my mediations, I’ve seen this phenomenon from time to time. Perhaps in an attempt to gain control of a situation or when we feel that our security is at risk, a knee jerk reaction can be to hurl any threat or do whatever we deem necessary to get our way and preserve what we feel is rightly ours. And in that attempt is often a risk to our own security (financial and otherwise) and well being. Thus, we hoist ourselves by our own petard!
 
A case in point is a mediation I had with a couple a few years ago who I will call Jason and Jill. They had three children with the oldest one having severe special needs. This had put a particular strain on their relationship. I believe this marriage would have ended regardless, but the stress of coping with the requirements for their children, especially the special needs child, and their different approaches to dealing with the disability, probably precipitated the end sooner than later. The pressure on both of them was palpable and I could see that Jason was really having a hard time dealing with his daughter’s disability.
 
Jason was desperately trying to hold onto the house, which he could ill afford. He didn’t want to sell it because it infuriated him that he would not be able to recoup his investment due to the housing recession – a situation many couples are facing these days. The reality was that in holding onto the house, he would be “house poor” so the need to explore other options was important. Jill was planning to move in with her parents who could assist with the care for the children. However her name was on both the mortgage and the deed so she had a vested interest in the decision about the house.

Jason’s upset and anger over the situation was causing him to lose sight of so many things. He refused to discuss maintenance, claiming that he had no money to “pay her,” but were he to consider other options for the house, relieving himself of the financial burdens of the mortgage and utilities, he could provide the maintenance Jill needed.

Clearly Jason had his own idea about the outcome of the mediation and I was beginning to sense his resistance to anything that did not coincide with that idea. I suggested that we explore the possible options for the house to see which might have the least ill effect on both of them. He balked but Jill wanted to develop some strategies, so on the board went the following options:

• Short sale the house.
• Allow the house to go into foreclosure.
• Consider a renter to share the house with Jason for a period of time to assist in paying down the mortgage. Then, incorporate a time frame at which point Jason would refinance the house in his own name.

With these options defined, I encouraged them to consult with a real estate attorney who could advise and guide them about which approach (or possibly another one that we did not consider) would ultimately benefit them both.

Jason would hear none of it. He said all of this was a waste of his time, he didn’t have the money to hire a real estate attorney and moreover he knew what needed to be done. He would just hold onto the house, do whatever he had to do to keep it and take his chances in court.

I attempted to explain all the potential liabilities of litigating (the time it would take, the money it would cost, etc.), but he was either unwilling or incapable of seeing beyond his own immediate self-interest. By doing so, he put so much at risk not only for himself but especially for their children, which results in everyone being hoisted by his petard!
 
When you come to mediation, simply bring your intention to work together, and leave the petards at home!
 
 

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it. Please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Irked

 
As I was driving to the office one day in early February and listening to NPR (National Public Radio), I noticed that not one, but several broadcasters during the course of the programming, pronounced the month of February as Feb-U-ary. Now these are well educated, well read professionals so I was a little taken aback by the mispronunciation. And it bothered me. Is it so difficult to put the RU in FebRUary? Is it really such a tongue twister? This is not the first time I’ve noticed this trend, but lately it seems to be coming thick and fast and I wondered why I was so irked by it.
 
My birthday is in FebRUary and I guess I feel a bit proprietary about the month. I also majored in Latin and Greek way back when and therefore languages, in all their incarnations have always held a fascination for me. In studying etymology (origin or development of a word….) over the years, I do know that it’s natural for words, their meanings as well as their pronunciations to change over the course of time. It’s the natural evolution of things. Once upon a time, the word “nice” meant simple – as in simple-minded.
 
So I really thought about the reaction I had to hearing Feb-U-ary instead of Feb-RU-ary. It’s a little ridiculous I know when there are so many other things to be bothered about. But it’s the little things in life…. isn’t it?
 
In staying with my reaction of annoyance, I started to think about my clients and the little things that set them off. Often they will work out the big issues with no problem but then get jammed on who gets to keep the flat screen TV; Or one parent will insist on being the “residential custodial” parent on paper even though they have worked out a shared custody arrangement; I had one client insist that the other spouse reimburse her the modicum of expense for the additional health premium for their child, even though money was not an issue for either of them; and then there was the tug-o-war over the Papa Smurf figurine.
 
We are not always aware of why something means something to us, or bothers us. It can be such a little thing on the face of it, but upon closer inspection, we find that there is a deeper, more profound need or fear that somehow is not being met. Or perhaps it brings up old wounds and without realizing it, we attach significance to something that has no relevance to the issue at hand.
 
As I rode in the car, pondering this, I asked myself what was really irking me about the mis-pronunciation of the month of February. And you know what? I couldn’t come up with a single, rational reason other than “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to….”
 
Oh, and be careful who you call “nice”.
 
 

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it. Please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Modification Of The Agreement

 
During the mediation couples will often ask: “What happens if we want to change something in our Agreement once the divorce judgment has been signed – how do we do that?” This is a great question. After all, although the Agreement is somewhat static, life is fluid and circumstances change.

One of the provisions many couples include in their original Agreement is to return to mediation together to resolve these issues. This is a lot less costly than trying to litigate and attempt to resolve in court. After all, they worked things out together in mediation, why not continue in that process if there is a need to modify the Agreement in the future?

In my experience, two of the most common modifications that may need to be made have to do with child support and/or the parenting plan.

Child Support

With respect to child support, we address a recalculation of it in the Agreement so that going forward, the original amount is either adjusted for inflation (for example, using the annual CPI) or accommodated by having the couple exchange tax returns every year, or every other year, to accurately reflect the real earnings of the parties.

But what happens if:

• There is a change in circumstances?
• One of the parents loses their job or has to take a significant pay cut?
• One parent gets a promotion and along with that a requisite raise with a bonus?
• There is a change in residential custody?

Because changes often occur either with the income of the parents, the expenses of raising the children or the residence of the children, many couples agree to modify the amount of the child support contained in their original Agreement.

The Parenting Plan

The other common modification I see has to do with the parenting plan. If a couple has very small children, the plan they put in place while the children are in daycare is quite different than the plan they will establish once the children start school. And let’s not underestimate the changes that will likely occur with a parenting plan that was created for pre-schoolers or elementary school aged children, when those children become teenagers!

If there is a shift in custody, where the children are now residing with the parent who was the non-custodial parent in the original Agreement, then, of course, a new parenting plan needs to be established.

No matter what circumstantial change may occur, mediation is the most sensible process within which to make the mutually satisfactory modifications to the original Agreement. This ensures that the modifications will not disrupt the harmonious intention and continuity of the family.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

How Do We Get “There” Together?

In Part 1 of the “Financial-Emotional Conundrum” I touched on how the emotional aspect of our nature can often rule our responses to the many situations that either we bring to life or that life brings to us. One of the biggest, our financial situation, is frequently ruled by emotions.

When couples are considering a separation, one of the most challenging and important areas to be explored is how to allocate the available resources (money) so that both parties and the family have enough to live on. This can be a great source of emotional anxiety as the partners may feel that their safety and security is about to be threatened. When this happens, logic takes a back seat, feelings overwhelm and the fight or flight instinct kicks in.

One of the great benefits of mediation is that the process itself allows the couple to take a step back and look at the whole picture together. We put a little air around us as everyone’s needs are considered and addressed. We look at things from several points of view:

• How have you run the family finances in the past?
• What are the current needs?
• How do we accommodate those needs once the household is split?

The thing to keep in mind is that we earn what we earn, and unless there is another avenue of funds coming in, we live on what we take home in our paychecks, making ends meet as best we can. This is what we do when we are married and it will not change when we are separated. Although the parties may value things differently (which may be one of the reasons the relationship is no longer working), they must take into account each other’s financial contributions in order to figure out the best way to allocate those monies for the sake of the whole, meaning the entire family.

If money was tight before, it’s certainly going to be tight when you separate. The rule of thumb is that when you split households you are going to live on 30% less than what was available before. Think about it – at the very least, there will be two mortgage/rental payments, two sets of utility payments, not to mention higher car insurance rates and cell phone plans (when you unbundle the family plan) and so on. All of these things need to be taken into consideration.

In my mediation process, I include a budget session early on. I give my clients a very detailed “post separation” budget form and ask them to take it home and consider every line item on the form and account for it in some way. In living our lives day to day, you would be surprised how many expenses, we forget about. As things come up, we just shell out the money and don’t give much thought to, among other things:

• Extracurricular activities
• Haircuts
• Take-out food
• Hobby expenses
• Birthday gifts for the children’s friends
• Lunch money
• Weekend vacations, etc.

And it all adds up.

When I work with couples for whom money is already stretched, they are usually more prepared for the financial picture that emerges when we look at post separation budgets. However there are many who come to mediation with what I call a “sorta, kinda” idea of what their expenses are. Once we start crunching the numbers, the true picture comes to light. In today’s economy, even households with two incomes are not a guarantee that there will be enough to support a standard of living that partners are used to or feel they need/deserve/are entitled to, etc.

Together, we look at the post separation budgets and if necessary, separate the essentials from the non-essentials. Then we account for each spouse’s income, incorporate the child support calculations, maintenance (if appropriate) and begin exploring the various options to accommodate everyone’s needs going forward.

The reality is that things are going to change and working together, with the guidance of a mediator, to make the best of those changes is the way to go. By brainstorming ideas, teasing out the options, and thinking out of the box (you would be surprised at some of the amazing solutions people come up with) the likelihood that the parties will be able to live with, and within their agreements is much higher.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

What If One of Us Just Moves Out of the House?

What If One of Us Just Moves Out of the House?

The question of who stays in the house is a big concern when couples are contemplating a separation or divorce.

It is one of the topics that is discussed and negotiated in mediation.  Sometimes couples have been under tremendous duress while living under the same roof and both spouses agree that one of them should move out for a while even though they have nothing in writing.

While it is preferable to have a legal separation agreement in place prior to making this move, for some couples waiting until that happens is extremely difficult and may potentially derail an amicable marital separation.  When couples choose to mediate, they are choosing a less complicated and more harmonious way to separate and divorce. Usually when one spouse moves out of the house, both parties have agreed that this is the best arrangement for both of them and the spouse who stays in the house will not use the leave taking as an excuse to cry “abandonment” in order to try to get the upper hand.

Some couples come to mediation and after having decided to separate or divorce after years of living apart with nothing in writing but a tacit agreement about their circumstances.  In either case, we can begin the mediation from exactly where they are with the understanding that they know what was in their own best interests.

During this period of time, it’s important for the couple to have an agreement about how the mortgage or rent will be paid.  The home is still a marital asset and must continue to be paid regardless of who is currently living in the house.  Both parties lose when marital assets are dissipated.

For those couples who have separated and are concerned about their current living arrangement, we can provide them with a temporary Agreement to allow for a more relaxed and fluid mediation.  With this Agreement in place, the spouse who has moved out, or is about to move out of the home, is not giving up his or her rights to the house, but rather consenting to a more thoughtful approach to deciding what will ultimately be done with the respect to the custody arrangement, the house and equitable distribution of both the assets and debts.

Once all of these issues are addressed, negotiated and agreed to in the mediation process, then a Separation Agreement or Stipulation of Settlement can be drawn up.

Ada L Hasloecher, Mediator / Center Founder

What About the House? Or Click Here.

Have Questions or Concerns?

Call or eMail Us Today
to Schedule a No-Cost, No-Obligation, Phone Consultation With One of Our Mediators

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Separation can bring a much needed “time out” and cooling off period.

Should We Get Separated?

Having sought and found our website, you are already contemplating this very question.  It is indeed an important and very personal one – one that only you can ultimately answer.  Understandably you may be feeling ambivalence, disappointment, disbelief, anxiety and uncertainty. Thinking through your options is an important first step in coming to whatever conclusion is right for you.

There are some couples who come to a mutual agreement that it is best to physically separate from each other. When the parties have participated in couple counseling, and after a thorough process in therapy, have come to realize that the marriage is over and it makes sense to go their separate ways, the next logical step into mediation is a natural one. There are other situations when one spouse wants the separation and the other doesn’t.  Often when one spouse has decided that they want to separate, it will probably happen sooner or later.

To help you consider whether or not to take the steps of separation, the following circumstances may help to clarify whether this is a prudent to step for you:

• You cannot communicate with each other without constantly arguing
• You have completed couple counseling and have determined that a separation from each other is the next logical step to take
• You are both fighting with each other and the tension in the house is impacting the children
• One of you has moved out of the marital home for an extended period of time
• The distrust between the spouses  cannot be resolved in a meaningful way
• You are not even good roommates let alone soul mates
• You have come to realize that your values, philosophy and interests are no longer compatible with each other

A Divorce Mediator can help.

There may be other reasons, not included in this list, that are your own private reasons to contemplate a separation. But the important thing to remember is that if you feel that you can no longer live amicably or comfortably together in the same house, it may be time to consider a separation.

For many couples, a physical separation can bring a much needed “time out” and cooling off period. During this time a reconsideration of the marriage can be explored without the tension of living under one roof.  The opportunity to investigate other means to try to work on the marriage can be considered as can an amicable way to end the marriage. If an amicable ending is imminent, mediation is the certainly the way to go.

Have Questions or Concerns?

Call or eMail Us Today
to Schedule a No-Cost, No-Obligation,Phone Consultation With One of Our Mediators

Phone Us At: 631-585-5210
Note that ALL calls are Confidential!

or eMail Us At: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

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