How many times have I heard the words: “Well, my lawyer said . . .” while mediating a challenging couple? When that ball gets lobbed over the net, it tends to indicate one or more of the following scenarios:

• That someone is not happy with the direction things are going thus far
• They have an unconscious wish for rescue
• Or they may merely be reciting their “legal entitlement” as a way of getting what they want.

I have a great deal of respect for many matrimonial attorneys. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to advocate for someone who may have unrealistic expectations about the legal process and/or irrational notions about the outcome of a litigated divorce. When emotions are high and the fight or flight instincts are at unparalleled levels, trying to bring calm and reason to the storm is no easy task. It’s no wonder legal fees can be so high.
 
When a lawyer is consulted by a potential client, clearly they are hearing one side of the story. And the job of the attorney is to advocate for his or her client, advise them of their legal rights, and ultimately go for the “win” without the need of consideration for the “other” side’s needs or wishes. It’s a sort of zero sum game – one side wins, the other side loses. This is the main feature of the adversarial system, plain and simple.
 
The core and compelling difference between litigation and mediation is that as mediators, we go for the win for all the parties involved. And our clients are not just the couple sitting in our office but the invisible ones as well; the ones who can’t speak for themselves – the children. Mediation is a family focused process, plain and simple.
 
Sounds like a corny, marketing line, right? But it is the truth.
 
We, as mediators, are not advocating, nor representing either party in the mediation; therefore it’s perfectly acceptable and sometimes a good idea for the parties to consult with an attorney along the way. Mediators, even those who are attorneys, cannot and therefore do not, give our clients legal advice. What we provide is information so that our clients can make informed decisions for themselves.
 
So while I’m interested and often intrigued by what the lawyer “may have” said to the client, I am also on the lookout for the way the questions were posited to the attorney and therefore answered, whether or not all the information dispensed was received clearly and without interpretation, and if it was even possible to have the mediated perspective included. As the mediator working with both parties, my focus is manifold: consideration for the actual agreements being made by the parties as well as the context, tone, quality and efficacy within which they were made.
 
I imagine it would be difficult to advise a client without really understanding the framework by which ALL the agreements were made in the mediation. In light of this, if there is no context from which to draw their conclusions and advice, it would be unfair to assess the answers the attorney may have offered. The challenge is how to include the advice of the client’s attorney without undermining the mediation process.
 
As mediators, we strive for clarity, balance, and ultimately, practical results for our clients, both visible and invisible.
 

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it. Please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

 
One of the many advantages of mediation is that clients set their own pace to accomplish their goals. That said, on a regular basis, I review my client files to see which ones are still open and incomplete – clients who, for a variety of reasons, have not scheduled a follow up session.
 
Some couples come in and want to get things done “as soon as possible” or as one wife described it: “I’d rather pull the band-aid off fast”. For those couples who want to move forward quickly, we schedule the sessions in a steady stream, they tend to work on issues with each other outside of our meetings and they stay the course until the Settlement Agreement is signed. All of this is accomplished in pretty short order.
 
Others need to take their time. There could be a reluctant spouse who needs time to allow the emotional impact of what’s happening to settle in. Or money is tight and they need to spread out their appointments. Some couples want to get certain arrangements in place and operating first (such as a parenting plan, for example) before they move onto the next issue. Working out those arrangements typically takes time.
 
What I find fascinating are the clients who at first want to move briskly, and in fact do, but then do not return sometimes for many months (in one case almost a year) even though they were just about done with the mediation and I was ready to write up their Agreement. I always follow up with my clients to see what the status is and what I can do to help them bring closure. When I follow up with these clients, they will often give me some version of: “All is well, we will definitely be returning, but everything is okay for now.” It seems that they just need to let things roll for a while to see how the parenting plan, the child support and maintenance are working out before they return.
 
The mediation process is such that it allows couples to live with their agreements as they go along, test them out, tweak the parts that are not working, etc. Just knowing that they are both honoring the agreements can be enough for the duration. Had they not been mediating and had chosen to litigate, the boxing gloves would have been on, which would make it virtually impossible to mutually agree on anything, let alone try things out as they proceed through the separation.
 
Although I may not know the reasons why things were put on hold for a while, when they return, I do find that they are more on purpose, more in sync with each and at the very least, clear about finalizing the separation.
 
So, complete or not complete? Mediation lets you decide when the time is right.
 

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it. Please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

In any major life decision, the first step is always the hardest.  You can spend hours weighing the pros and cons, researching on the Internet, talking to friends and family. . . but eventually you have to take that first step toward resolution.

In a separation/divorce situation there are a number of decisions to be made, the first of which is whether to try mediation or go through litigation.  Not sure of your options?  Then the first step is to pick up the phone and make the call.

When you call the Divorce and Family Mediation Center, you will get a comprehensive overview of the mediation process:

Advantages of mediation over litigation:

• A less contentious way to deal with separation/divorce
• A less expensive way to deal with separation/divorce
• A less time consuming process than litigation
• A less stressful process for the entire family, especially for the children

Topics/Issues that will be discussed and resolved:

• Children – custody, child support, parenting plan… just to name a few
• Finances – equitable distribution of both the assets and debts
• House/Possessions – what to do with them, how to divide them

Different types of agreements that will result from the mediation:

• Separation Agreement
• Stipulation of Settlement

Head reeling?  At first blush most people are thinking “Oh, I just have to separate from my spouse right now” and not thinking about all the little details that have to be worked out. That first call will make you aware of those details and give you the information you need to make an informed decision so that you can move forward.

Thinking about a Separation or Divorce?  Take the first step.  Make the call.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

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By Ada L Hasloecher, Center Founder / Mediator