I attended a monthly dinner meeting a few days ago and in kicking off the New Year, it was held at a new venue – a well known restaurant/inn on Long Island. I’ve been there many times before and it is a lovely place.
 
The meeting took place on January 10th. The outside of the Inn and surrounding grounds were still decked out with holiday lights but nothing prepared me for what I found when I went inside. It was still completely decorated with Christmas trees, ornaments, twinkling lights, and mini-Christmas scenes. Even the requisite poinsettias were still strewn throughout the rooms, dining and otherwise. I counted on my toes and figured out that the 12 days of Christmas had passed 3 days ago. Perhaps I’m splitting hairs here, but there was something about moving into mid-January and still seeing not only the vestiges, but a full blown array of Christmas fare that just didn’t sit right.
 
For some, the holiday season from Thanksgiving through the New Year is laced and perhaps fraught with a mix of tumult, family, expectation, friends, financial expenditure, family, parties, food, family, late nights, over eating . . . Oh, and did I say family? It can be the best of times or it can be the worst of times depending on where you stand during this yearly season of good cheer!
 
I bring this up because I wondered why I had such a visceral reaction in seeing all the seasonal decorations still up. Then it hit me. I like January. I like the cold weather, I like the bare and spare look of everything post-holiday, post-man made ornamentation The trees are stripped of their leaves and everything stands out in stark relief. There is something clean, clear, refreshing and somehow restful about it after all the over indulgences of the holidays. I’m actually glad to stop over-eating!
 
So this also got me thinking about an interesting phenomenon that occurs in my practice. Every year, both during and after the holiday, the phone starts ringing off the hook with potential clients calling about my divorce mediation services. When this starts happening, I’m reminded that for those people, the recent holidays have more than likely represented the “worst of times.” In trying to hold everything together “for the kids” or to give it “one last shot,” they wait until they feel they can’t wait any longer and then make the call.
 
After spending time with them on the phone doing an intake, some will schedule the half hour no fee consultation right away while some others hold off. For those who book the session, the holidays may have crystallized the notion that moving forward to explore a separation is ripe for them. Perhaps the ones who wait need to give themselves the time to let the hyped up emotions of the holidays settle down and allow the quiet of true winter to see things in their clarity before they take the next step.
 
To everything there is a season. Trust your heart to know when the time is right for you.
 
 

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it and please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

How To Lose 20 Pounds In 20 Minutes!

 
I started the New Year with a good laugh – which is always a good thing.
 
On January 2nd, I was driving past my neighborhood shopping center where a local gymnasium occupies the end cap. Usually, the parking lot is pretty empty. But here it was around noon and there was not a parking space to be had. At first I wondered what the heck was going on!

I looked at all the other shops thinking that there must have been the usual post-Christmas sales, but no – that wasn’t it. In fact for the most part, the shopping center was fairly vacant. Upon further notice, I realized that almost ALL the cars were parked right in front of the gym.
 
Then it hit me – New Year’s resolutions off and running! That’s when I laughed out loud. I thought about taking a photo of that scene and then returning on February 2nd at noon to take a picture in the same spot to see how those resolutions turned out. The best laid plans of mice and men… and all that.
 
Just about every January magazine issue has something along the lines of the title of this article. It’s ridiculous but we all buy into it nonetheless. I’ll start the diet on January 1st, I’ll start the exercise program on Monday, I’ll start the cutting out the cake right after this birthday… Been there, done that cha, cha, cha.
 
I’m not cynical about New Year’s resolutions. In fact, in our family we have a tradition of taking a walk at the beach on New Year’s Day (regardless of the weather) and with each of us taking a turn, we share the following ruminations and reflections: For the year that just past, what were the things that we are really happy to see go, let go of, put in the past, say goodbye to (and why) AND what were the things that we are thankful for, look back with gratitude, feel good about having experienced, want to create more of. For the New Year – what are the things that we intend not to repeat or play out AND what are the things that we intend to make happen/accomplish, create.
 
I have to say that this is such a marvelous exercise and we really get into it. We dig deep, share our hearts and souls with each other and listen powerfully as we each take our turn exposing our inner most thoughts, desires and intentions. Then we go back home and finish up all the leftovers, including the cakes, cookies and holiday candy.

 
I’ll start that diet right after I polish off all those desserts!

 
 
 
Did you make some New Year’s resolutions? Please feel free to share those intentions in the Comments Box below.
 

Ada L Hasloecher
Divorce Mediator / Center Founder
Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC
Phone: 631-585-5210
eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Mediation – A Means For Better Communication

 

In my years as a divorce and family mediator, I’ve seen over and over again what a critical role communication plays in relationships. I’ve also seen how mediation can encourage and improve communication between couples, potentially resulting in one of two very positive outcomes.
 
One outcome is that the parties are able to communicate and work together in a spirit of cooperation, coming to mutually satisfactory resolutions on all the issues that have to be included in their Settlement Agreement. The couple addresses the needs of the family in a balanced way and their collaboration helps their children make the transition to a new family structure which hopefully will be no less whole and secure for. When this occurs, I consider it a job well done.
 
This is not to say that it’s easy to get there, but the mediated setting allows for a dialogue between the couple that is not necessarily available in the litigated arena. This discourse can often lead to a new understanding between the parties.
 
When couples are contemplating a separation, they are focused on what’s NOT working in their relationship and understandably have an inventory of grievances to support this perspective. Once the focus is on “what’s wrong with this relationship”, communication between them breaks down and finding a way to hear each other becomes almost impossible.
 
Many married couples have, what I call, an “already listening” attitude with each other. What I mean by that is:

• They already know what the other person “means” when they say thus and so;
• They already know what the other person is going to say even before they say it;
• They already know the history behind what’s being said and therefore they don’t even bother listening anymore;
• They feel that they’ve heard it all before and it’s just going to be more of the same.

Which leads me to the second potential outcome of mediation, which is that it can lead to a revelation when one spouse hears something for the “first time.” As mediators, we strive to keep all lines of communication open and toward that end, we will often reframe and reflect what we are hearing from each of them in order to restate what was said in such a way that the other person can actually hear it.
 
In the “already listening” mode, one can completely miss what is actually said because the “listener” is only hearing what they thought was meant, not hearing what was actually stated. We are all guilty of this kind of listening. Just look at the face of a spouse who, at a party, has heard the other spouse tell a joke/story for the umpteenth time and you know what I mean. But what is essential for a mediation to be successful, is that each party be heard and understood so as a couple they can make good decisions together and continue to co-parent their children well.
 
When couples are able to communicate in mediation, they sometime have an exciting “Ah ha” moment. One such moment occurred when I was working with a couple on their parenting plan. This plan was complicated by the fact that the wife had been out of the work force for quite some time and now had to contemplate going back to work AND still be there for the kids when they came home from school. The husband worked in Manhattan so could provide no assistance in that regard. Naturally, she was upset about the situation for all the obvious reasons, not the least of which included her anxiety about getting back into the work force after all the years on the side lines while she was raising the children.
 
During that session, the husband acknowledged her for the amazing job she had done raising the children while he was an almost “absentee” father. He praised her for her fortitude, intelligence and wits. He apologized to her for having to put up with him all those years.
 
I watched her face as he spoke. It transformed from a grimace to one of sheer astonishment. She looked at him with tears in her eyes and said: “You never told me that before.” It was truly a beautiful moment. They put the mediation on hold, agreed to go to couple counseling and I never heard from them again. The best kind of mediation success story!
 
If not for the mediation setting, this wonderful occasion of pure communication might never have occurred. This is the potential that mediation holds. It doesn’t always end in happily ever after, but it can create a new “listening” relationship for a couple that can hold them in good stead as they transition their relationship into the future.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Modification Of The Agreement

 
During the mediation couples will often ask: “What happens if we want to change something in our Agreement once the divorce judgment has been signed – how do we do that?” This is a great question. After all, although the Agreement is somewhat static, life is fluid and circumstances change.

One of the provisions many couples include in their original Agreement is to return to mediation together to resolve these issues. This is a lot less costly than trying to litigate and attempt to resolve in court. After all, they worked things out together in mediation, why not continue in that process if there is a need to modify the Agreement in the future?

In my experience, two of the most common modifications that may need to be made have to do with child support and/or the parenting plan.

Child Support

With respect to child support, we address a recalculation of it in the Agreement so that going forward, the original amount is either adjusted for inflation (for example, using the annual CPI) or accommodated by having the couple exchange tax returns every year, or every other year, to accurately reflect the real earnings of the parties.

But what happens if:

• There is a change in circumstances?
• One of the parents loses their job or has to take a significant pay cut?
• One parent gets a promotion and along with that a requisite raise with a bonus?
• There is a change in residential custody?

Because changes often occur either with the income of the parents, the expenses of raising the children or the residence of the children, many couples agree to modify the amount of the child support contained in their original Agreement.

The Parenting Plan

The other common modification I see has to do with the parenting plan. If a couple has very small children, the plan they put in place while the children are in daycare is quite different than the plan they will establish once the children start school. And let’s not underestimate the changes that will likely occur with a parenting plan that was created for pre-schoolers or elementary school aged children, when those children become teenagers!

If there is a shift in custody, where the children are now residing with the parent who was the non-custodial parent in the original Agreement, then, of course, a new parenting plan needs to be established.

No matter what circumstantial change may occur, mediation is the most sensible process within which to make the mutually satisfactory modifications to the original Agreement. This ensures that the modifications will not disrupt the harmonious intention and continuity of the family.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

How Do We Get “There” Together?

In Part 1 of the “Financial-Emotional Conundrum” I touched on how the emotional aspect of our nature can often rule our responses to the many situations that either we bring to life or that life brings to us. One of the biggest, our financial situation, is frequently ruled by emotions.

When couples are considering a separation, one of the most challenging and important areas to be explored is how to allocate the available resources (money) so that both parties and the family have enough to live on. This can be a great source of emotional anxiety as the partners may feel that their safety and security is about to be threatened. When this happens, logic takes a back seat, feelings overwhelm and the fight or flight instinct kicks in.

One of the great benefits of mediation is that the process itself allows the couple to take a step back and look at the whole picture together. We put a little air around us as everyone’s needs are considered and addressed. We look at things from several points of view:

• How have you run the family finances in the past?
• What are the current needs?
• How do we accommodate those needs once the household is split?

The thing to keep in mind is that we earn what we earn, and unless there is another avenue of funds coming in, we live on what we take home in our paychecks, making ends meet as best we can. This is what we do when we are married and it will not change when we are separated. Although the parties may value things differently (which may be one of the reasons the relationship is no longer working), they must take into account each other’s financial contributions in order to figure out the best way to allocate those monies for the sake of the whole, meaning the entire family.

If money was tight before, it’s certainly going to be tight when you separate. The rule of thumb is that when you split households you are going to live on 30% less than what was available before. Think about it – at the very least, there will be two mortgage/rental payments, two sets of utility payments, not to mention higher car insurance rates and cell phone plans (when you unbundle the family plan) and so on. All of these things need to be taken into consideration.

In my mediation process, I include a budget session early on. I give my clients a very detailed “post separation” budget form and ask them to take it home and consider every line item on the form and account for it in some way. In living our lives day to day, you would be surprised how many expenses, we forget about. As things come up, we just shell out the money and don’t give much thought to, among other things:

• Extracurricular activities
• Haircuts
• Take-out food
• Hobby expenses
• Birthday gifts for the children’s friends
• Lunch money
• Weekend vacations, etc.

And it all adds up.

When I work with couples for whom money is already stretched, they are usually more prepared for the financial picture that emerges when we look at post separation budgets. However there are many who come to mediation with what I call a “sorta, kinda” idea of what their expenses are. Once we start crunching the numbers, the true picture comes to light. In today’s economy, even households with two incomes are not a guarantee that there will be enough to support a standard of living that partners are used to or feel they need/deserve/are entitled to, etc.

Together, we look at the post separation budgets and if necessary, separate the essentials from the non-essentials. Then we account for each spouse’s income, incorporate the child support calculations, maintenance (if appropriate) and begin exploring the various options to accommodate everyone’s needs going forward.

The reality is that things are going to change and working together, with the guidance of a mediator, to make the best of those changes is the way to go. By brainstorming ideas, teasing out the options, and thinking out of the box (you would be surprised at some of the amazing solutions people come up with) the likelihood that the parties will be able to live with, and within their agreements is much higher.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

In any major life decision, the first step is always the hardest.  You can spend hours weighing the pros and cons, researching on the Internet, talking to friends and family. . . but eventually you have to take that first step toward resolution.

In a separation/divorce situation there are a number of decisions to be made, the first of which is whether to try mediation or go through litigation.  Not sure of your options?  Then the first step is to pick up the phone and make the call.

When you call the Divorce and Family Mediation Center, you will get a comprehensive overview of the mediation process:

Advantages of mediation over litigation:

• A less contentious way to deal with separation/divorce
• A less expensive way to deal with separation/divorce
• A less time consuming process than litigation
• A less stressful process for the entire family, especially for the children

Topics/Issues that will be discussed and resolved:

• Children – custody, child support, parenting plan… just to name a few
• Finances – equitable distribution of both the assets and debts
• House/Possessions – what to do with them, how to divide them

Different types of agreements that will result from the mediation:

• Separation Agreement
• Stipulation of Settlement

Head reeling?  At first blush most people are thinking “Oh, I just have to separate from my spouse right now” and not thinking about all the little details that have to be worked out. That first call will make you aware of those details and give you the information you need to make an informed decision so that you can move forward.

Thinking about a Separation or Divorce?  Take the first step.  Make the call.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

What If One of Us Just Moves Out of the House?

What If One of Us Just Moves Out of the House?

The question of who stays in the house is a big concern when couples are contemplating a separation or divorce.

It is one of the topics that is discussed and negotiated in mediation.  Sometimes couples have been under tremendous duress while living under the same roof and both spouses agree that one of them should move out for a while even though they have nothing in writing.

While it is preferable to have a legal separation agreement in place prior to making this move, for some couples waiting until that happens is extremely difficult and may potentially derail an amicable marital separation.  When couples choose to mediate, they are choosing a less complicated and more harmonious way to separate and divorce. Usually when one spouse moves out of the house, both parties have agreed that this is the best arrangement for both of them and the spouse who stays in the house will not use the leave taking as an excuse to cry “abandonment” in order to try to get the upper hand.

Some couples come to mediation and after having decided to separate or divorce after years of living apart with nothing in writing but a tacit agreement about their circumstances.  In either case, we can begin the mediation from exactly where they are with the understanding that they know what was in their own best interests.

During this period of time, it’s important for the couple to have an agreement about how the mortgage or rent will be paid.  The home is still a marital asset and must continue to be paid regardless of who is currently living in the house.  Both parties lose when marital assets are dissipated.

For those couples who have separated and are concerned about their current living arrangement, we can provide them with a temporary Agreement to allow for a more relaxed and fluid mediation.  With this Agreement in place, the spouse who has moved out, or is about to move out of the home, is not giving up his or her rights to the house, but rather consenting to a more thoughtful approach to deciding what will ultimately be done with the respect to the custody arrangement, the house and equitable distribution of both the assets and debts.

Once all of these issues are addressed, negotiated and agreed to in the mediation process, then a Separation Agreement or Stipulation of Settlement can be drawn up.

Ada L Hasloecher, Mediator / Center Founder

What About the House? Or Click Here.

Have Questions or Concerns?

Call or eMail Us Today
to Schedule a No-Cost, No-Obligation, Phone Consultation With One of Our Mediators

Note that ALL calls are Confidential!

Phone Us At: 631-585-5210

or eMail Us At: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

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A Divorce Mediator Can Help a Couple Figure Out What to do About the House in a Divorce

What Happens to the House When We Separate?

When couples are separating the question of what happens to the house is a big topic of conversation and negotiation during the mediation.  Each couple comes with a different set of circumstances that will drive the answer to this question in one of several directions. As a general rule, there are several reasons that couples will want to hold onto the house: emotional attachments; keeping the children in the school system; and/or financial reasons.

In the first case, some couples just love their house, have poured their heart and soul into it, raised their family there and are reluctant to leave.  Since they are separating, other than selling it, only one of them can stay in the house if they both agree.

For couples with children, they first have to determine who will have residential custody of the children and whether or not keeping them in the current school system and/or the house is important to them.  Even in cases where the house must be sold, it’s still possible to keep the children in their current school system by purchasing a new home or condo or finding a rental in the district.

For other couples who have been married and lived in the home for many years (and who did not take out home equity lines of credit or refinance the house), the mortgage may be mostly paid off and the monthly expenses on the house are far less than if they were to purchase a new home.  If once spouse wants to continue to live in the house, they will work out a buyout for the fair market value of the house so the other spouse can get their equity and purchase a new home.  If their children are emancipated and have moved on, they often decide to sell the house, take the equity and purchase something smaller and more manageable.

Whatever the circumstances are, in order to separate the emotional issues from the financial ones, one of the most important things I do in my practice is to help the couple determine what they need monetarily to move forward and live separately and apart.  When we have worked out their monthly budget, then we see what their respective incomes are including earned income, child support, maintenance/alimony (if appropriate) and any other sources of revenue (social security, etc.).  When we back those numbers into the budget, we can see if the mortgage payments and utility costs are within their means or beyond their ability to sustain the upkeep on the house.

If it’s decided that one of the parties will stay in the house, then the next question is for how long.  In mediation, we discuss a time-line for either a sell date or a buyout to allow the non-residential custodial parent to get his or her equity out of the house.

Ada L Hasloecher, Mediator / Center Founder

The other option is to sell the house now and negotiate the splitting of the net sale proceeds.

What About the House? Or Click Here.

Have Questions or Concerns?

Call or eMail Us Today
to Schedule a No-Cost, No-Obligation, Phone Consultation With One of Our Mediators

Note that ALL calls are Confidential!

Phone Us At: 631-585-5210

or eMail Us At: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

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In order to have a “legal separation” you must have a written document, signed by the parties

What is a Legal Separation?

This is a common question and is often asked in the following ways:

• “My wife/husband moved out of the house about four months ago and we didn’t put anything in writing, is this a legal separation?”
• “We think we want to do a trial separation – is this a legal separation?”
• “My wife/husband is running up our credit cards and I’m concerned about my liability – do I have any and would a legal separation help?”

Click Play Button below for audio on this topic: Or Click Here.

To begin with, let’s address the difference between a “trial separation” and a “legal separation.” When couples ask any of the above questions, they may be thinking of “trying” to separate for a period of time until they figure out whether they want to make the situation permanent of not. It is important to remember that in a “trial separation” there is no signed written agreement, so their marital status has not changed. In other words, you are still married in the eyes of the court and have all the requisite responsibilities of the marriage.

A “legal separation” or divorce is a written agreement that divides the assets and debts (which they have acquired during the marriage) and addresses all the issues about the children. In order to have a “legal separation” you must have a written document, signed by the parties. This document is a legally enforceable contract that covers everything from custody of the children; child support; a parenting plan; maintenance (alimony), if appropriate; and the equitable distribution of all the assets and debts. It is a detailed document that outlines in detail all the issues that have been addressed, negotiated and resolved by the parties.

Once the Separation Agreement has been filed, it doesn’t mean that the divorce is final. It simply means that you have the option from that point forward to file for an uncontested divorce. Under the new No Fault law, one spouse can simply state that there has been an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage. (The procedure for filing the divorce papers will be detailed in an upcoming article entitled: Filing for the Divorce Right Away.)

Once a couple has either mutually decided to live separately and apart, or one of the parties has moved out of the marital home, it is prudent to put things in writing so that there is no longer an obligation to each other except for the issues that are spelled out in your legal, binding contract.

Ada L Hasloecher
Mediator / Founder

Phone Us At: 631-585-5210
Note that ALL calls are Confidential!

or eMail Us At:
Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

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There's Less of a "Struggle" When Mediating a Separation or Divorce

What is the Difference Between
a Separation and a Divorce?

New York State has joined the other 49 states to become a No Fault divorce state. This means that you and your spouse can file for your divorce immediately without having to blame the other one for marital misconduct or be required to live under the terms of a Separation Agreement for a minimum of one year before filing for an uncontested divorce. Prior to the new No Fault law, these were the only two options. With the advent of the new law, all of this has changed. All that is required now is for one spouse to simply state there has been an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.options to pursue a separation and ultimately a divorce.

Despite the new law, there may still be times when living under a Separation Agreement for a period of time may make sense. During the mediation we discuss in great detail the variety of reasons why some couples may choose to live under the terms of a Separation Agreement rather than file for divorce right away.

Regardless of which avenue you pursue, it’s prudent to sign off on a written agreement once you and your spouse have decided to separate. As long as an Agreement has been signed and notarized, there will no longer be any liabilities toward each other except for the ones you have authorized in your Agreement.

What is a Separation Agreement vs Stipulation of Settlement? Or Click Here.

Have Questions or Concerns?

Call or eMail Us Today
to Schedule a No-Cost, No-Obligation,Phone Consultation With One of Our Mediators

Phone Us At: 631-585-5210
Note that ALL calls are Confidential!

or eMail Us At: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

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