I love this word and how it pertains to mediation. Webster’s dictionary defines it several ways starting with the original Latin root, perspicere, which means “to look through.” Two other definitions that stand out to me are: 1) The relationship or proportion of the parts of a whole, regarded from a particular standpoint or point in time; 2) A specific point of view in understanding or judging things or events, especially one that shows them in their true relations to one another. So interesting!
 
Therefore, our perspective depends on where we’re standing (our standpoint) and how we view everything from there. It’s relative, isn’t it? I’ve been pondering and testing this phenomenon lately in all areas of my life and especially see the relevance in my mediation practice.
 
As a mediator, I naturally tend to see things from the mediation perspective. My “per-spective” therefore is to look through (to), look toward, and look forward. And since mediation is about seeking balance, fairness, equanimity, agreement and resolution, this is my standpoint or the place I’m coming from.
 
My clients have their own perspectives to be sure. Those perspectives may be the same or similar to mine or they may be something else entirely. I won’t know until they come in together and we discuss “where they’re at” and what they want to see happen. One of my jobs as a mediator is to help them see each other’s point of view: to see the degree to which they are aligned and/or the degree where they are different. Degrees, standpoints, alignments…who knew there was so much math to mediation!
 
The perspective of mediation is to stand in such a place as to be conscious of how each person’s standpoint affects and adjusts the other person’s standpoint. There is always an anticipatory tension at play when couples begin the mediation. They may know or think they know where the other spouse is coming from; they may have their list of grievances, wishes or demands. But those fixed perspectives can become tested once we explore all sides of the issues, examine everything in relationship to everything else, and see where the common interests converge. There is a relativity to it all and where at first look, their self interests may seem divergent, but by allowing the other perspective to come to light, the gaping differences may not actually be that different at all.
 
One of the most important facets of mediation is the potential for the fulfillment of a mutual vision for the future. The mediation perspective allows for this state of alertness, awareness, and attention as the parties move toward something meaningful for themselves and their families.
 

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it. Please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

How many times have I heard the words: “Well, my lawyer said . . .” while mediating a challenging couple? When that ball gets lobbed over the net, it tends to indicate one or more of the following scenarios:

• That someone is not happy with the direction things are going thus far
• They have an unconscious wish for rescue
• Or they may merely be reciting their “legal entitlement” as a way of getting what they want.

I have a great deal of respect for many matrimonial attorneys. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to advocate for someone who may have unrealistic expectations about the legal process and/or irrational notions about the outcome of a litigated divorce. When emotions are high and the fight or flight instincts are at unparalleled levels, trying to bring calm and reason to the storm is no easy task. It’s no wonder legal fees can be so high.
 
When a lawyer is consulted by a potential client, clearly they are hearing one side of the story. And the job of the attorney is to advocate for his or her client, advise them of their legal rights, and ultimately go for the “win” without the need of consideration for the “other” side’s needs or wishes. It’s a sort of zero sum game – one side wins, the other side loses. This is the main feature of the adversarial system, plain and simple.
 
The core and compelling difference between litigation and mediation is that as mediators, we go for the win for all the parties involved. And our clients are not just the couple sitting in our office but the invisible ones as well; the ones who can’t speak for themselves – the children. Mediation is a family focused process, plain and simple.
 
Sounds like a corny, marketing line, right? But it is the truth.
 
We, as mediators, are not advocating, nor representing either party in the mediation; therefore it’s perfectly acceptable and sometimes a good idea for the parties to consult with an attorney along the way. Mediators, even those who are attorneys, cannot and therefore do not, give our clients legal advice. What we provide is information so that our clients can make informed decisions for themselves.
 
So while I’m interested and often intrigued by what the lawyer “may have” said to the client, I am also on the lookout for the way the questions were posited to the attorney and therefore answered, whether or not all the information dispensed was received clearly and without interpretation, and if it was even possible to have the mediated perspective included. As the mediator working with both parties, my focus is manifold: consideration for the actual agreements being made by the parties as well as the context, tone, quality and efficacy within which they were made.
 
I imagine it would be difficult to advise a client without really understanding the framework by which ALL the agreements were made in the mediation. In light of this, if there is no context from which to draw their conclusions and advice, it would be unfair to assess the answers the attorney may have offered. The challenge is how to include the advice of the client’s attorney without undermining the mediation process.
 
As mediators, we strive for clarity, balance, and ultimately, practical results for our clients, both visible and invisible.
 

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it. Please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

 
One of the many advantages of mediation is that clients set their own pace to accomplish their goals. That said, on a regular basis, I review my client files to see which ones are still open and incomplete – clients who, for a variety of reasons, have not scheduled a follow up session.
 
Some couples come in and want to get things done “as soon as possible” or as one wife described it: “I’d rather pull the band-aid off fast”. For those couples who want to move forward quickly, we schedule the sessions in a steady stream, they tend to work on issues with each other outside of our meetings and they stay the course until the Settlement Agreement is signed. All of this is accomplished in pretty short order.
 
Others need to take their time. There could be a reluctant spouse who needs time to allow the emotional impact of what’s happening to settle in. Or money is tight and they need to spread out their appointments. Some couples want to get certain arrangements in place and operating first (such as a parenting plan, for example) before they move onto the next issue. Working out those arrangements typically takes time.
 
What I find fascinating are the clients who at first want to move briskly, and in fact do, but then do not return sometimes for many months (in one case almost a year) even though they were just about done with the mediation and I was ready to write up their Agreement. I always follow up with my clients to see what the status is and what I can do to help them bring closure. When I follow up with these clients, they will often give me some version of: “All is well, we will definitely be returning, but everything is okay for now.” It seems that they just need to let things roll for a while to see how the parenting plan, the child support and maintenance are working out before they return.
 
The mediation process is such that it allows couples to live with their agreements as they go along, test them out, tweak the parts that are not working, etc. Just knowing that they are both honoring the agreements can be enough for the duration. Had they not been mediating and had chosen to litigate, the boxing gloves would have been on, which would make it virtually impossible to mutually agree on anything, let alone try things out as they proceed through the separation.
 
Although I may not know the reasons why things were put on hold for a while, when they return, I do find that they are more on purpose, more in sync with each and at the very least, clear about finalizing the separation.
 
So, complete or not complete? Mediation lets you decide when the time is right.
 

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it. Please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

 
I attended a monthly dinner meeting a few days ago and in kicking off the New Year, it was held at a new venue – a well known restaurant/inn on Long Island. I’ve been there many times before and it is a lovely place.
 
The meeting took place on January 10th. The outside of the Inn and surrounding grounds were still decked out with holiday lights but nothing prepared me for what I found when I went inside. It was still completely decorated with Christmas trees, ornaments, twinkling lights, and mini-Christmas scenes. Even the requisite poinsettias were still strewn throughout the rooms, dining and otherwise. I counted on my toes and figured out that the 12 days of Christmas had passed 3 days ago. Perhaps I’m splitting hairs here, but there was something about moving into mid-January and still seeing not only the vestiges, but a full blown array of Christmas fare that just didn’t sit right.
 
For some, the holiday season from Thanksgiving through the New Year is laced and perhaps fraught with a mix of tumult, family, expectation, friends, financial expenditure, family, parties, food, family, late nights, over eating . . . Oh, and did I say family? It can be the best of times or it can be the worst of times depending on where you stand during this yearly season of good cheer!
 
I bring this up because I wondered why I had such a visceral reaction in seeing all the seasonal decorations still up. Then it hit me. I like January. I like the cold weather, I like the bare and spare look of everything post-holiday, post-man made ornamentation. The trees are stripped of their leaves and everything stands out in stark relief. There is something clean, clear, refreshing and somehow restful about it after all the over indulgences of the holidays. I’m actually glad to stop over-eating!
 
So this also got me thinking about an interesting phenomenon that occurs in my practice. Every year, both during and after the holiday, the phone starts ringing off the hook with potential clients calling about my divorce mediation services. When this starts happening, I’m reminded that for those people, the recent holidays have more than likely represented the “worst of times.” In trying to hold everything together “for the kids” or to give it “one last shot,” they wait until they feel they can’t wait any longer and then make the call.
 
After spending time with them on the phone doing an intake, some will schedule the half hour no fee consultation right away while some others hold off. For those who book the session, the holidays may have crystallized the notion that moving forward to explore a separation is ripe for them. Perhaps the ones who wait need to give themselves the time to let the hyped up emotions of the holidays settle down and allow the quiet of true winter to see things in their clarity before they take the next step.
 
To everything there is a season. Trust your heart to know when the time is right for you.
 
 

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it and please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Mediation – A Means For Better Communication

 

In my years as a divorce and family mediator, I’ve seen over and over again what a critical role communication plays in relationships. I’ve also seen how mediation can encourage and improve communication between couples, potentially resulting in one of two very positive outcomes.
 
One outcome is that the parties are able to communicate and work together in a spirit of cooperation, coming to mutually satisfactory resolutions on all the issues that have to be included in their Settlement Agreement. The couple addresses the needs of the family in a balanced way and their collaboration helps their children make the transition to a new family structure which hopefully will be no less whole and secure for. When this occurs, I consider it a job well done.
 
This is not to say that it’s easy to get there, but the mediated setting allows for a dialogue between the couple that is not necessarily available in the litigated arena. This discourse can often lead to a new understanding between the parties.
 
When couples are contemplating a separation, they are focused on what’s NOT working in their relationship and understandably have an inventory of grievances to support this perspective. Once the focus is on “what’s wrong with this relationship”, communication between them breaks down and finding a way to hear each other becomes almost impossible.
 
Many married couples have, what I call, an “already listening” attitude with each other. What I mean by that is:

• They already know what the other person “means” when they say thus and so;
• They already know what the other person is going to say even before they say it;
• They already know the history behind what’s being said and therefore they don’t even bother listening anymore;
• They feel that they’ve heard it all before and it’s just going to be more of the same.

Which leads me to the second potential outcome of mediation, which is that it can lead to a revelation when one spouse hears something for the “first time.” As mediators, we strive to keep all lines of communication open and toward that end, we will often reframe and reflect what we are hearing from each of them in order to restate what was said in such a way that the other person can actually hear it.
 
In the “already listening” mode, one can completely miss what is actually said because the “listener” is only hearing what they thought was meant, not hearing what was actually stated. We are all guilty of this kind of listening. Just look at the face of a spouse who, at a party, has heard the other spouse tell a joke/story for the umpteenth time and you know what I mean. But what is essential for a mediation to be successful, is that each party be heard and understood so as a couple they can make good decisions together and continue to co-parent their children well.
 
When couples are able to communicate in mediation, they sometime have an exciting “Ah ha” moment. One such moment occurred when I was working with a couple on their parenting plan. This plan was complicated by the fact that the wife had been out of the work force for quite some time and now had to contemplate going back to work AND still be there for the kids when they came home from school. The husband worked in Manhattan so could provide no assistance in that regard. Naturally, she was upset about the situation for all the obvious reasons, not the least of which included her anxiety about getting back into the work force after all the years on the side lines while she was raising the children.
 
During that session, the husband acknowledged her for the amazing job she had done raising the children while he was an almost “absentee” father. He praised her for her fortitude, intelligence and wits. He apologized to her for having to put up with him all those years.
 
I watched her face as he spoke. It transformed from a grimace to one of sheer astonishment. She looked at him with tears in her eyes and said: “You never told me that before.” It was truly a beautiful moment. They put the mediation on hold, agreed to go to couple counseling and I never heard from them again. The best kind of mediation success story!
 
If not for the mediation setting, this wonderful occasion of pure communication might never have occurred. This is the potential that mediation holds. It doesn’t always end in happily ever after, but it can create a new “listening” relationship for a couple that can hold them in good stead as they transition their relationship into the future.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

If you have questions about Separation and/or Divorce Mediation,

or the Mediation Services provided by Ada Hasloecher and The Divorce and Family Mediation Center -

Please Call (631) 585-5210 Today

In any major life decision, the first step is always the hardest.  You can spend hours weighing the pros and cons, researching on the Internet, talking to friends and family. . . but eventually you have to take that first step toward resolution.

In a separation/divorce situation there are a number of decisions to be made, the first of which is whether to try mediation or go through litigation.  Not sure of your options?  Then the first step is to pick up the phone and make the call.

When you call the Divorce and Family Mediation Center, you will get a comprehensive overview of the mediation process:

Advantages of mediation over litigation:

• A less contentious way to deal with separation/divorce
• A less expensive way to deal with separation/divorce
• A less time consuming process than litigation
• A less stressful process for the entire family, especially for the children

Topics/Issues that will be discussed and resolved:

• Children – custody, child support, parenting plan… just to name a few
• Finances – equitable distribution of both the assets and debts
• House/Possessions – what to do with them, how to divide them

Different types of agreements that will result from the mediation:

• Separation Agreement
• Stipulation of Settlement

Head reeling?  At first blush most people are thinking “Oh, I just have to separate from my spouse right now” and not thinking about all the little details that have to be worked out. That first call will make you aware of those details and give you the information you need to make an informed decision so that you can move forward.

Thinking about a Separation or Divorce?  Take the first step.  Make the call.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

A Divorce Mediator Can Help a Couple Figure Out What to do About the House in a Divorce

What Happens to the House When We Separate?

When couples are separating the question of what happens to the house is a big topic of conversation and negotiation during the mediation.  Each couple comes with a different set of circumstances that will drive the answer to this question in one of several directions. As a general rule, there are several reasons that couples will want to hold onto the house: emotional attachments; keeping the children in the school system; and/or financial reasons.

In the first case, some couples just love their house, have poured their heart and soul into it, raised their family there and are reluctant to leave.  Since they are separating, other than selling it, only one of them can stay in the house if they both agree.

For couples with children, they first have to determine who will have residential custody of the children and whether or not keeping them in the current school system and/or the house is important to them.  Even in cases where the house must be sold, it’s still possible to keep the children in their current school system by purchasing a new home or condo or finding a rental in the district.

For other couples who have been married and lived in the home for many years (and who did not take out home equity lines of credit or refinance the house), the mortgage may be mostly paid off and the monthly expenses on the house are far less than if they were to purchase a new home.  If once spouse wants to continue to live in the house, they will work out a buyout for the fair market value of the house so the other spouse can get their equity and purchase a new home.  If their children are emancipated and have moved on, they often decide to sell the house, take the equity and purchase something smaller and more manageable.

Whatever the circumstances are, in order to separate the emotional issues from the financial ones, one of the most important things I do in my practice is to help the couple determine what they need monetarily to move forward and live separately and apart.  When we have worked out their monthly budget, then we see what their respective incomes are including earned income, child support, maintenance/alimony (if appropriate) and any other sources of revenue (social security, etc.).  When we back those numbers into the budget, we can see if the mortgage payments and utility costs are within their means or beyond their ability to sustain the upkeep on the house.

If it’s decided that one of the parties will stay in the house, then the next question is for how long.  In mediation, we discuss a time-line for either a sell date or a buyout to allow the non-residential custodial parent to get his or her equity out of the house.

Ada L Hasloecher, Mediator / Center Founder

The other option is to sell the house now and negotiate the splitting of the net sale proceeds.

What About the House? Or Click Here.

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By Ada L Hasloecher, Center Founder / Mediator