I attended a monthly dinner meeting a few days ago and in kicking off the New Year, it was held at a new venue – a well known restaurant/inn on Long Island. I’ve been there many times before and it is a lovely place.
 
The meeting took place on January 10th. The outside of the Inn and surrounding grounds were still decked out with holiday lights but nothing prepared me for what I found when I went inside. It was still completely decorated with Christmas trees, ornaments, twinkling lights, and mini-Christmas scenes. Even the requisite poinsettias were still strewn throughout the rooms, dining and otherwise. I counted on my toes and figured out that the 12 days of Christmas had passed 3 days ago. Perhaps I’m splitting hairs here, but there was something about moving into mid-January and still seeing not only the vestiges, but a full blown array of Christmas fare that just didn’t sit right.
 
For some, the holiday season from Thanksgiving through the New Year is laced and perhaps fraught with a mix of tumult, family, expectation, friends, financial expenditure, family, parties, food, family, late nights, over eating . . . Oh, and did I say family? It can be the best of times or it can be the worst of times depending on where you stand during this yearly season of good cheer!
 
I bring this up because I wondered why I had such a visceral reaction in seeing all the seasonal decorations still up. Then it hit me. I like January. I like the cold weather, I like the bare and spare look of everything post-holiday, post-man made ornamentation The trees are stripped of their leaves and everything stands out in stark relief. There is something clean, clear, refreshing and somehow restful about it after all the over indulgences of the holidays. I’m actually glad to stop over-eating!
 
So this also got me thinking about an interesting phenomenon that occurs in my practice. Every year, both during and after the holiday, the phone starts ringing off the hook with potential clients calling about my divorce mediation services. When this starts happening, I’m reminded that for those people, the recent holidays have more than likely represented the “worst of times.” In trying to hold everything together “for the kids” or to give it “one last shot,” they wait until they feel they can’t wait any longer and then make the call.
 
After spending time with them on the phone doing an intake, some will schedule the half hour no fee consultation right away while some others hold off. For those who book the session, the holidays may have crystallized the notion that moving forward to explore a separation is ripe for them. Perhaps the ones who wait need to give themselves the time to let the hyped up emotions of the holidays settle down and allow the quiet of true winter to see things in their clarity before they take the next step.
 
To everything there is a season. Trust your heart to know when the time is right for you.
 
 

If you know anyone who would be interested in reading this blog, do not hesitate to forward it and please feel free to use the Comments Box below to ask any questions, to comment, or to request more information.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Mediation – A Means For Better Communication

 

In my years as a divorce and family mediator, I’ve seen over and over again what a critical role communication plays in relationships. I’ve also seen how mediation can encourage and improve communication between couples, potentially resulting in one of two very positive outcomes.
 
One outcome is that the parties are able to communicate and work together in a spirit of cooperation, coming to mutually satisfactory resolutions on all the issues that have to be included in their Settlement Agreement. The couple addresses the needs of the family in a balanced way and their collaboration helps their children make the transition to a new family structure which hopefully will be no less whole and secure for. When this occurs, I consider it a job well done.
 
This is not to say that it’s easy to get there, but the mediated setting allows for a dialogue between the couple that is not necessarily available in the litigated arena. This discourse can often lead to a new understanding between the parties.
 
When couples are contemplating a separation, they are focused on what’s NOT working in their relationship and understandably have an inventory of grievances to support this perspective. Once the focus is on “what’s wrong with this relationship”, communication between them breaks down and finding a way to hear each other becomes almost impossible.
 
Many married couples have, what I call, an “already listening” attitude with each other. What I mean by that is:

• They already know what the other person “means” when they say thus and so;
• They already know what the other person is going to say even before they say it;
• They already know the history behind what’s being said and therefore they don’t even bother listening anymore;
• They feel that they’ve heard it all before and it’s just going to be more of the same.

Which leads me to the second potential outcome of mediation, which is that it can lead to a revelation when one spouse hears something for the “first time.” As mediators, we strive to keep all lines of communication open and toward that end, we will often reframe and reflect what we are hearing from each of them in order to restate what was said in such a way that the other person can actually hear it.
 
In the “already listening” mode, one can completely miss what is actually said because the “listener” is only hearing what they thought was meant, not hearing what was actually stated. We are all guilty of this kind of listening. Just look at the face of a spouse who, at a party, has heard the other spouse tell a joke/story for the umpteenth time and you know what I mean. But what is essential for a mediation to be successful, is that each party be heard and understood so as a couple they can make good decisions together and continue to co-parent their children well.
 
When couples are able to communicate in mediation, they sometime have an exciting “Ah ha” moment. One such moment occurred when I was working with a couple on their parenting plan. This plan was complicated by the fact that the wife had been out of the work force for quite some time and now had to contemplate going back to work AND still be there for the kids when they came home from school. The husband worked in Manhattan so could provide no assistance in that regard. Naturally, she was upset about the situation for all the obvious reasons, not the least of which included her anxiety about getting back into the work force after all the years on the side lines while she was raising the children.
 
During that session, the husband acknowledged her for the amazing job she had done raising the children while he was an almost “absentee” father. He praised her for her fortitude, intelligence and wits. He apologized to her for having to put up with him all those years.
 
I watched her face as he spoke. It transformed from a grimace to one of sheer astonishment. She looked at him with tears in her eyes and said: “You never told me that before.” It was truly a beautiful moment. They put the mediation on hold, agreed to go to couple counseling and I never heard from them again. The best kind of mediation success story!
 
If not for the mediation setting, this wonderful occasion of pure communication might never have occurred. This is the potential that mediation holds. It doesn’t always end in happily ever after, but it can create a new “listening” relationship for a couple that can hold them in good stead as they transition their relationship into the future.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

Modification Of The Agreement

 
During the mediation couples will often ask: “What happens if we want to change something in our Agreement once the divorce judgment has been signed – how do we do that?” This is a great question. After all, although the Agreement is somewhat static, life is fluid and circumstances change.

One of the provisions many couples include in their original Agreement is to return to mediation together to resolve these issues. This is a lot less costly than trying to litigate and attempt to resolve in court. After all, they worked things out together in mediation, why not continue in that process if there is a need to modify the Agreement in the future?

In my experience, two of the most common modifications that may need to be made have to do with child support and/or the parenting plan.

Child Support

With respect to child support, we address a recalculation of it in the Agreement so that going forward, the original amount is either adjusted for inflation (for example, using the annual CPI) or accommodated by having the couple exchange tax returns every year, or every other year, to accurately reflect the real earnings of the parties.

But what happens if:

• There is a change in circumstances?
• One of the parents loses their job or has to take a significant pay cut?
• One parent gets a promotion and along with that a requisite raise with a bonus?
• There is a change in residential custody?

Because changes often occur either with the income of the parents, the expenses of raising the children or the residence of the children, many couples agree to modify the amount of the child support contained in their original Agreement.

The Parenting Plan

The other common modification I see has to do with the parenting plan. If a couple has very small children, the plan they put in place while the children are in daycare is quite different than the plan they will establish once the children start school. And let’s not underestimate the changes that will likely occur with a parenting plan that was created for pre-schoolers or elementary school aged children, when those children become teenagers!

If there is a shift in custody, where the children are now residing with the parent who was the non-custodial parent in the original Agreement, then, of course, a new parenting plan needs to be established.

No matter what circumstantial change may occur, mediation is the most sensible process within which to make the mutually satisfactory modifications to the original Agreement. This ensures that the modifications will not disrupt the harmonious intention and continuity of the family.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

How Do We Get “There” Together?

In Part 1 of the “Financial-Emotional Conundrum” I touched on how the emotional aspect of our nature can often rule our responses to the many situations that either we bring to life or that life brings to us. One of the biggest, our financial situation, is frequently ruled by emotions.

When couples are considering a separation, one of the most challenging and important areas to be explored is how to allocate the available resources (money) so that both parties and the family have enough to live on. This can be a great source of emotional anxiety as the partners may feel that their safety and security is about to be threatened. When this happens, logic takes a back seat, feelings overwhelm and the fight or flight instinct kicks in.

One of the great benefits of mediation is that the process itself allows the couple to take a step back and look at the whole picture together. We put a little air around us as everyone’s needs are considered and addressed. We look at things from several points of view:

• How have you run the family finances in the past?
• What are the current needs?
• How do we accommodate those needs once the household is split?

The thing to keep in mind is that we earn what we earn, and unless there is another avenue of funds coming in, we live on what we take home in our paychecks, making ends meet as best we can. This is what we do when we are married and it will not change when we are separated. Although the parties may value things differently (which may be one of the reasons the relationship is no longer working), they must take into account each other’s financial contributions in order to figure out the best way to allocate those monies for the sake of the whole, meaning the entire family.

If money was tight before, it’s certainly going to be tight when you separate. The rule of thumb is that when you split households you are going to live on 30% less than what was available before. Think about it – at the very least, there will be two mortgage/rental payments, two sets of utility payments, not to mention higher car insurance rates and cell phone plans (when you unbundle the family plan) and so on. All of these things need to be taken into consideration.

In my mediation process, I include a budget session early on. I give my clients a very detailed “post separation” budget form and ask them to take it home and consider every line item on the form and account for it in some way. In living our lives day to day, you would be surprised how many expenses, we forget about. As things come up, we just shell out the money and don’t give much thought to, among other things:

• Extracurricular activities
• Haircuts
• Take-out food
• Hobby expenses
• Birthday gifts for the children’s friends
• Lunch money
• Weekend vacations, etc.

And it all adds up.

When I work with couples for whom money is already stretched, they are usually more prepared for the financial picture that emerges when we look at post separation budgets. However there are many who come to mediation with what I call a “sorta, kinda” idea of what their expenses are. Once we start crunching the numbers, the true picture comes to light. In today’s economy, even households with two incomes are not a guarantee that there will be enough to support a standard of living that partners are used to or feel they need/deserve/are entitled to, etc.

Together, we look at the post separation budgets and if necessary, separate the essentials from the non-essentials. Then we account for each spouse’s income, incorporate the child support calculations, maintenance (if appropriate) and begin exploring the various options to accommodate everyone’s needs going forward.

The reality is that things are going to change and working together, with the guidance of a mediator, to make the best of those changes is the way to go. By brainstorming ideas, teasing out the options, and thinking out of the box (you would be surprised at some of the amazing solutions people come up with) the likelihood that the parties will be able to live with, and within their agreements is much higher.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

If you have questions about Separation and/or Divorce Mediation,

or the Mediation Services provided by Ada Hasloecher and The Divorce and Family Mediation Center -

Please Call (631) 585-5210 Today

How Does The Budget Look Once We Are Separated?

Good question!  One of the biggest concerns when contemplating a separation or divorce has to do with finances.  How are we going to afford to live separately and apart?  Some couples have already thought it through and considered it to some degree, but there are many seemingly inconsequential details that have to be taken into consideration.

I believe that before we can move forward in any meaningful way, one of the most important things to be done is to fill out, what I refer to as, a post-separation budget form.

I have a form that I give to my couples at the first session in preparation for the next session.  We walk through it together prior to them filling it out to give them some things to think about since they may be doing some projections.  For example, the housing and utility costs for both of them once they are living apart – what is that going to look like?  How will they split the credit card debt, if any?  What about unreimbursed medical expenses for the children like co-pays and dental (if not on their plan)?  All of these things need to be accounted for and included in their respective budgets. The main line items (and of course, in much more detail on the budget form) are:

The Budget

• Housing (mortgage, rent, taxes, insurance, etc.)
• Utilities (gas, electric, phone, cable, internet service, etc.)
• Household maintenance (house cleaning, repairs, pest control, etc.)
• Food (groceries, take out, pet food, etc.)
• Clothing (including dry cleaning, outside laundry if applicable, etc.)
• Auto expenses (payments, gas, maintenance, tolls, etc.)
• Health Insurance (co-pays, optical, dental, prescriptions, etc.)
• Insurances (life, disability, etc.)
• Loans and credit cards (student loans, etc.)
• Educational expenses (private school, college)
• Children’s expenses (child care, tutoring, sports, etc.)
• Recreation (vacations, eating out, hobbies, gym memberships, etc.)
• Personal care (haircuts, cosmetics, etc.)
• Miscellaneous (holiday and birthday gifts, charitable contributions, etc.)

Once these items are clarified and quantified, we can get a better picture of what the monthly needs are for both parties and open up a meaningful conversation on the best way to move forward.

Ada L Hasloecher

Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

This is a common question and concern.

What if I Want a Separation and My Spouse Doesn’t?

My experience tells me that if one person wants out of the marriage, inevitably the separation will occur.  It’s only a matter of time and the method they choose to effectuate process.  When one spouse is reluctant to end the marriage, it puts the “initiating” spouse in a difficult position.  On one hand, the initiating spouse knows how hard this will be on their spouse but on the other hand they may still feel that separating is the best alternative to a marriage that no longer works for them.

In many cases, the news of wanting a separation does not come out of left field to the recipient spouse. But marriage is a complicated matter and when a marriage is showing signs of trouble, it can take months if not years for the wear to begin to rub at the fabric of the relationship. Some couples will try marriage counseling while others feel that it’s too little too late. Other couples will just drift along in a state of status quo neither happy nor unhappy but perhaps staying together for the sake of the children.

Usually the party who calls me to get information about mediation is the one who wants the separation or divorce and has had time to research their options, think about the consequences and taken the bold step to make the first call.  The fact that they have called a mediator, tells me that they want to work on the separation or divorce in the least contentious way possible and in the best interests for the family.

If the party who calls me has not even broached the subject of a separation with their spouse in any significant way, I can coach them about how to have that conversation.  It’s not an easy dialogue to have for sure, but it can be done in a meaningful and empowering way and will certainly set the groundwork for a successful mediation.

Ada L Hasloecher
Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

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What If One of Us Just Moves Out of the House?

What If One of Us Just Moves Out of the House?

The question of who stays in the house is a big concern when couples are contemplating a separation or divorce.

It is one of the topics that is discussed and negotiated in mediation.  Sometimes couples have been under tremendous duress while living under the same roof and both spouses agree that one of them should move out for a while even though they have nothing in writing.

While it is preferable to have a legal separation agreement in place prior to making this move, for some couples waiting until that happens is extremely difficult and may potentially derail an amicable marital separation.  When couples choose to mediate, they are choosing a less complicated and more harmonious way to separate and divorce. Usually when one spouse moves out of the house, both parties have agreed that this is the best arrangement for both of them and the spouse who stays in the house will not use the leave taking as an excuse to cry “abandonment” in order to try to get the upper hand.

Some couples come to mediation and after having decided to separate or divorce after years of living apart with nothing in writing but a tacit agreement about their circumstances.  In either case, we can begin the mediation from exactly where they are with the understanding that they know what was in their own best interests.

During this period of time, it’s important for the couple to have an agreement about how the mortgage or rent will be paid.  The home is still a marital asset and must continue to be paid regardless of who is currently living in the house.  Both parties lose when marital assets are dissipated.

For those couples who have separated and are concerned about their current living arrangement, we can provide them with a temporary Agreement to allow for a more relaxed and fluid mediation.  With this Agreement in place, the spouse who has moved out, or is about to move out of the home, is not giving up his or her rights to the house, but rather consenting to a more thoughtful approach to deciding what will ultimately be done with the respect to the custody arrangement, the house and equitable distribution of both the assets and debts.

Once all of these issues are addressed, negotiated and agreed to in the mediation process, then a Separation Agreement or Stipulation of Settlement can be drawn up.

Ada L Hasloecher, Mediator / Center Founder

What About the House? Or Click Here.

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A Divorce Mediator Can Help a Couple Figure Out What to do About the House in a Divorce

What Happens to the House When We Separate?

When couples are separating the question of what happens to the house is a big topic of conversation and negotiation during the mediation.  Each couple comes with a different set of circumstances that will drive the answer to this question in one of several directions. As a general rule, there are several reasons that couples will want to hold onto the house: emotional attachments; keeping the children in the school system; and/or financial reasons.

In the first case, some couples just love their house, have poured their heart and soul into it, raised their family there and are reluctant to leave.  Since they are separating, other than selling it, only one of them can stay in the house if they both agree.

For couples with children, they first have to determine who will have residential custody of the children and whether or not keeping them in the current school system and/or the house is important to them.  Even in cases where the house must be sold, it’s still possible to keep the children in their current school system by purchasing a new home or condo or finding a rental in the district.

For other couples who have been married and lived in the home for many years (and who did not take out home equity lines of credit or refinance the house), the mortgage may be mostly paid off and the monthly expenses on the house are far less than if they were to purchase a new home.  If once spouse wants to continue to live in the house, they will work out a buyout for the fair market value of the house so the other spouse can get their equity and purchase a new home.  If their children are emancipated and have moved on, they often decide to sell the house, take the equity and purchase something smaller and more manageable.

Whatever the circumstances are, in order to separate the emotional issues from the financial ones, one of the most important things I do in my practice is to help the couple determine what they need monetarily to move forward and live separately and apart.  When we have worked out their monthly budget, then we see what their respective incomes are including earned income, child support, maintenance/alimony (if appropriate) and any other sources of revenue (social security, etc.).  When we back those numbers into the budget, we can see if the mortgage payments and utility costs are within their means or beyond their ability to sustain the upkeep on the house.

If it’s decided that one of the parties will stay in the house, then the next question is for how long.  In mediation, we discuss a time-line for either a sell date or a buyout to allow the non-residential custodial parent to get his or her equity out of the house.

Ada L Hasloecher, Mediator / Center Founder

The other option is to sell the house now and negotiate the splitting of the net sale proceeds.

What About the House? Or Click Here.

Have Questions or Concerns?

Call or eMail Us Today
to Schedule a No-Cost, No-Obligation, Phone Consultation With One of Our Mediators

Note that ALL calls are Confidential!

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By Ada L Hasloecher, Center Founder / Mediator