This is a common question and concern.

What if I Want a Separation and My Spouse Doesn’t?

My experience tells me that if one person wants out of the marriage, inevitably the separation will occur.  It’s only a matter of time and the method they choose to effectuate process.  When one spouse is reluctant to end the marriage, it puts the “initiating” spouse in a difficult position.  On one hand, the initiating spouse knows how hard this will be on their spouse but on the other hand they may still feel that separating is the best alternative to a marriage that no longer works for them.

In many cases, the news of wanting a separation does not come out of left field to the recipient spouse. But marriage is a complicated matter and when a marriage is showing signs of trouble, it can take months if not years for the wear to begin to rub at the fabric of the relationship. Some couples will try marriage counseling while others feel that it’s too little too late. Other couples will just drift along in a state of status quo neither happy nor unhappy but perhaps staying together for the sake of the children.

Usually the party who calls me to get information about mediation is the one who wants the separation or divorce and has had time to research their options, think about the consequences and taken the bold step to make the first call.  The fact that they have called a mediator, tells me that they want to work on the separation or divorce in the least contentious way possible and in the best interests for the family.

If the party who calls me has not even broached the subject of a separation with their spouse in any significant way, I can coach them about how to have that conversation.  It’s not an easy dialogue to have for sure, but it can be done in a meaningful and empowering way and will certainly set the groundwork for a successful mediation.

Ada L Hasloecher
Divorce Mediator / Center Founder

Divorce & Family Mediation Center, LLC

Phone: 631-585-5210

eMail: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

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What If One of Us Just Moves Out of the House?

What If One of Us Just Moves Out of the House?

The question of who stays in the house is a big concern when couples are contemplating a separation or divorce.

It is one of the topics that is discussed and negotiated in mediation.  Sometimes couples have been under tremendous duress while living under the same roof and both spouses agree that one of them should move out for a while even though they have nothing in writing.

While it is preferable to have a legal separation agreement in place prior to making this move, for some couples waiting until that happens is extremely difficult and may potentially derail an amicable marital separation.  When couples choose to mediate, they are choosing a less complicated and more harmonious way to separate and divorce. Usually when one spouse moves out of the house, both parties have agreed that this is the best arrangement for both of them and the spouse who stays in the house will not use the leave taking as an excuse to cry “abandonment” in order to try to get the upper hand.

Some couples come to mediation and after having decided to separate or divorce after years of living apart with nothing in writing but a tacit agreement about their circumstances.  In either case, we can begin the mediation from exactly where they are with the understanding that they know what was in their own best interests.

During this period of time, it’s important for the couple to have an agreement about how the mortgage or rent will be paid.  The home is still a marital asset and must continue to be paid regardless of who is currently living in the house.  Both parties lose when marital assets are dissipated.

For those couples who have separated and are concerned about their current living arrangement, we can provide them with a temporary Agreement to allow for a more relaxed and fluid mediation.  With this Agreement in place, the spouse who has moved out, or is about to move out of the home, is not giving up his or her rights to the house, but rather consenting to a more thoughtful approach to deciding what will ultimately be done with the respect to the custody arrangement, the house and equitable distribution of both the assets and debts.

Once all of these issues are addressed, negotiated and agreed to in the mediation process, then a Separation Agreement or Stipulation of Settlement can be drawn up.

Ada L Hasloecher, Mediator / Center Founder

What About the House? Or Click Here.

Have Questions or Concerns?

Call or eMail Us Today
to Schedule a No-Cost, No-Obligation, Phone Consultation With One of Our Mediators

Note that ALL calls are Confidential!

Phone Us At: 631-585-5210

or eMail Us At: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

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A Divorce Mediator Can Help a Couple Figure Out What to do About the House in a Divorce

What Happens to the House When We Separate?

When couples are separating the question of what happens to the house is a big topic of conversation and negotiation during the mediation.  Each couple comes with a different set of circumstances that will drive the answer to this question in one of several directions. As a general rule, there are several reasons that couples will want to hold onto the house: emotional attachments; keeping the children in the school system; and/or financial reasons.

In the first case, some couples just love their house, have poured their heart and soul into it, raised their family there and are reluctant to leave.  Since they are separating, other than selling it, only one of them can stay in the house if they both agree.

For couples with children, they first have to determine who will have residential custody of the children and whether or not keeping them in the current school system and/or the house is important to them.  Even in cases where the house must be sold, it’s still possible to keep the children in their current school system by purchasing a new home or condo or finding a rental in the district.

For other couples who have been married and lived in the home for many years (and who did not take out home equity lines of credit or refinance the house), the mortgage may be mostly paid off and the monthly expenses on the house are far less than if they were to purchase a new home.  If once spouse wants to continue to live in the house, they will work out a buyout for the fair market value of the house so the other spouse can get their equity and purchase a new home.  If their children are emancipated and have moved on, they often decide to sell the house, take the equity and purchase something smaller and more manageable.

Whatever the circumstances are, in order to separate the emotional issues from the financial ones, one of the most important things I do in my practice is to help the couple determine what they need monetarily to move forward and live separately and apart.  When we have worked out their monthly budget, then we see what their respective incomes are including earned income, child support, maintenance/alimony (if appropriate) and any other sources of revenue (social security, etc.).  When we back those numbers into the budget, we can see if the mortgage payments and utility costs are within their means or beyond their ability to sustain the upkeep on the house.

If it’s decided that one of the parties will stay in the house, then the next question is for how long.  In mediation, we discuss a time-line for either a sell date or a buyout to allow the non-residential custodial parent to get his or her equity out of the house.

Ada L Hasloecher, Mediator / Center Founder

The other option is to sell the house now and negotiate the splitting of the net sale proceeds.

What About the House? Or Click Here.

Have Questions or Concerns?

Call or eMail Us Today
to Schedule a No-Cost, No-Obligation, Phone Consultation With One of Our Mediators

Note that ALL calls are Confidential!

Phone Us At: 631-585-5210

or eMail Us At: Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

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In order to have a “legal separation” you must have a written document, signed by the parties

What is a Legal Separation?

This is a common question and is often asked in the following ways:

• “My wife/husband moved out of the house about four months ago and we didn’t put anything in writing, is this a legal separation?”
• “We think we want to do a trial separation – is this a legal separation?”
• “My wife/husband is running up our credit cards and I’m concerned about my liability – do I have any and would a legal separation help?”

Click Play Button below for audio on this topic: Or Click Here.

To begin with, let’s address the difference between a “trial separation” and a “legal separation.” When couples ask any of the above questions, they may be thinking of “trying” to separate for a period of time until they figure out whether they want to make the situation permanent of not. It is important to remember that in a “trial separation” there is no signed written agreement, so their marital status has not changed. In other words, you are still married in the eyes of the court and have all the requisite responsibilities of the marriage.

A “legal separation” or divorce is a written agreement that divides the assets and debts (which they have acquired during the marriage) and addresses all the issues about the children. In order to have a “legal separation” you must have a written document, signed by the parties. This document is a legally enforceable contract that covers everything from custody of the children; child support; a parenting plan; maintenance (alimony), if appropriate; and the equitable distribution of all the assets and debts. It is a detailed document that outlines in detail all the issues that have been addressed, negotiated and resolved by the parties.

Once the Separation Agreement has been filed, it doesn’t mean that the divorce is final. It simply means that you have the option from that point forward to file for an uncontested divorce. Under the new No Fault law, one spouse can simply state that there has been an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage. (The procedure for filing the divorce papers will be detailed in an upcoming article entitled: Filing for the Divorce Right Away.)

Once a couple has either mutually decided to live separately and apart, or one of the parties has moved out of the marital home, it is prudent to put things in writing so that there is no longer an obligation to each other except for the issues that are spelled out in your legal, binding contract.

Ada L Hasloecher
Mediator / Founder

Phone Us At: 631-585-5210
Note that ALL calls are Confidential!

or eMail Us At:
Info@DivorceandFamilyMediationCenter.com

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