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Unintended Consequences
Ada L. Hasloecher2017-01-24T05:11:32-05:00Categories: Family & Divorce, Finances & Divorce, General, Perspective, Separation & Divorce Mediation, Two|Tags: Ada Hasloecher, Children, Co-Parenting Post-Divorce, Divorce, Divorce and Family Mediation Center, Ex-Spouse, Family, Family Events Post-Divorce, Post-Divorce Relationship, Remarriage|5 Comments
Ada,
This situation is so common and so sad. Parents seldom realize divorce creates a lifetime of “consequences” for children.
Lisa Wolman
Wolman Mediation Group
Hi Ada, Wow! I am dealing with this exact situation with my husband and his ex. “the unintended consequences” So very SAD.
Ada – You are correct, this happens a great deal. I have had times in my own experience that I would have preferred not to show up some place because it would have felt more comfortable. Then I ask myself, what makes it more comfortable to “hide?” Inevitably the answer really has something to do with shame or hurt that I do not want to confront. The fact is, the more I do meet it head on, the easier it gets and the positive “consequences” for my children and family members FAR out weighs the small amount of comfort I would feel in the moment. As a Divorce & Relationship Coach, I help clients make these decisions by referring them back to their core values. Which choice best honors what they value and who they really want to be?
Good point, Ada! As most of us know, another extremely damaging negative consequence of high conflict divorcing/divorced parents: the mental and emotional trauma and often long-term damage to their children. I’ve seen everything from eating disorders, loss of trust, addictions,and an inability to feel safe in intimate relationships to depression, anxiety, emotional shutdown, parental alienation, and avoidance of any conflict due to trauma triggers. When I see parents who have brought their child in for counseling during these times I start out by telling each parent that they will need to love their child more than they hate each other to have a good outcome.
Ada, always appreciate your thoughts and insights. It is so very sad these “unintended consequences” tarnish relationships and effect the way the children and grandchildren learn how to model a response in similar situations. The poor role modeling keeps playing forward.