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Ada,
So true, you make 2 important points here: many crises open up new doors at the time we least expect them and keeping our children at the forefront is most important.
thank you for helping people hear this in their moments of despair.
Jennifer
A Baker’s dozen of helpful interventions on how divorced spouses can help their children?
1. Tell children about the divorce together, if possible.
2. Answer children’s questions honestly, avoiding unnecessary details.
3. Reassure children they are not to blame for divorce.
4. Tell children they are loved and will be taken care of.
5. Include the other parent in school and other activities.
6. Be consistent and on time to pick up and return children.
7. Develop a workable parenting plan that gives children access to both parents.
8. Guard against canceling plans with children.
9. Give children permission to have a loving, satisfying relationship with other parent.
10. Avoid putting children in the middle and in the position of having to take sides.
11. Avoid pumping children for information about the other parent.
12. Avoid arguing and discussing child support issues in front of children.
13. Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent or using the child as a pawn to hurt the other parent.
In high conflict situations I do couples therapy individually. That is I work with each partner separately on differentiation, self-focus, decision making and family of origin issues (please see Divorced Parents – Intact Families http://www.familyfocusedsolutions.com/divorced-parents-intact-families/ for more thoughts).