Separation/Divorce: No Texting Please!

I can’t tell you how many times couples will sit in my office and hold up their phones to me and say:

“You want to see the text he sent me???!”

“Look what she wrote – can you believe this nasty text she sent when I was just asking her if she was available to get the kids?”

“Oh, yeah? What about the text you sent me on Monday… I have them all here, you want to see them?”

Welcome to the wonderful world of texting – the latest form of non-communication communication.  I know, I know – you probably think I’m a dinosaur, and all I can say to that is Yabba Dabba Doo!  But I’m going to suggest that we may yet pay a high price for the high speed way we communicate these days.

In a world of “gotta reach you as soon as possible,” “gotta get my thoughts off my mind and into yours,” “gotta get the ball into your court,” gotta, gotta, gotta…. I’m not going to wax poetic about the bygone days of simpler and infrequent communication because why would I?  This is our new reality and so be it.  But I’m here to tell you that not only doesn’t everyone text, but there are still some of us who think taking a noun and turning it into a verb is a little crazy.

What does this have to do with mediation?  Many of the couples I work with have children.  And I understand that “texting” is THE way to stay in touch and keep track of them during the day.  But where it very often becomes a problem is that the parents communicate with each other in the same way, which can lead to misunderstanding, anxiety, anger, frustration and stress.

Back in the “good old days” when e-mail was THE form of written communication, I found that suddenly spelling no longer mattered.  Neither did grammar, syntax (what’s THAT?!), nor the actual message.  There were times I had to read and reread an e-mail several times before I began to make sense out of the typos and poor composition.

What has evolved over time, starting with e-mails and carrying through with text messaging is that communication has become even more truncated, with no nuance, no personal “voice”, no ability to soften the tone, etc.  The messages can be, and often are, misinterpreted as nasty, snarky, demanding, insistent, short, imperative… you fill in the blank.

And therein lies the problem.  What can be discussed, handled or smoothed over with a verbal back and forth interaction on the phone (remember that device?) has been replaced by these short, declarative sentences and acronyms, which can leave the receiver standing there holding their hand-held, staring at it in disbelief at what they perceive as an offensive message.  You may want to consider picking up the phone next time for anything of importance, or where there might be a misunderstanding about the message.  Speak, interact, converse, discuss and mutually resolve.  After all – how long could that take?

I have this fantasy that in a few hundred years, the physicality of the human form will evolve to accommodate our new posture.  We will have hunchbacks from bending over, our chins will disappear, our thumbs will morph into padded, pointy talons and our foreheads will grow a bumper callus to protect our brains from walking into walls.  Think about it.

Brrrrrrng – excuse me, I’m getting a text.

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