First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes Baby in the Baby Carriage

This was one of the verses we used to sing when we were jumping rope as kids. Just like so many sing-song verses we chanted, we didn’t realize how much that message was sinking in! So, first comes love – good start. Then comes marriage – sounds good so far. Then comes baby in the baby carriage – and so starts the family. This seemed like the natural order of things for eons and eons and who were we to do it any other way? In fact, it didn’t even occur to most of us that we should do anything in any order other than that particular one.

Then the 60’s arrived and with it the sexual revolution, the descent of authority, and the “I’m okay, you’re okay” mind set. Pretty soon, all bets were off – to some degree. There were many who still bought into the traditional ways, but it was the beginning of a post-modern questioning of long-held belief systems. I am not making an argument for or against it, but I am interested in exploring the ways the system has been bucked – what form it has taken and what forms it is taking now.

For example, something that was once a taboo – having a child out of wedlock (ironic word but “lock” comes from the Old English “lac” which means offering, gift), does not hold the stigma it once did. There was a time, when the “unwed” mother went or was sent away to have the child away from the community’s prying eyes, only to have the baby put up for adoption before the recalcitrant woman returned home.

Now, having a child out of wedlock has actually become a lifestyle choice for women who are tired of waiting for “Mr. Right” and want a child with or without a husband. With modern medicine, chemistry and pluck – a woman can choose whatever way suits her desire and her pocketbook. I’m not saying that this an easy path. Being a parent is probably one of the most difficult occupations in the world. Being a single parent doubles that! But it can be done and done well as those of us who have witnessed women do it can attest.

So what do we sing now? “Maybe comes love, Maybe comes marriage, Here comes baby in the baby carriage.”

A few years ago a friend’s daughter got married (I’ll call her Jackie). The marriage didn’t last more than 6 months. While she was going through the divorce process, she met someone, fell in love and became pregnant. Although the first divorce was finalized before the baby was born, I remember being surprised that she didn’t marry the baby’s father (I‘ll call him John) right away. They lived together before and after the baby was born, but it wasn’t until the baby was a year and a half old, that we heard that Jackie and John were getting married.

Recently, we got news that another friend’s daughter, who had been through several long-term relationships, none of which ended in marriage, met someone new. We just got word that she is pregnant. We haven’t heard about any impending nuptials yet and perhaps there won’t be any.

What to make of it? I’m thinking that perhaps these women want to know if the relationship is going to “stick” before they commit to marriage. If a few years in, it’s working, then they’ll get married. If not, then they are prepared to bring up the child themselves. Without the stigma of having a baby unmarried, choices abound and perhaps this is a trend. And if this is a trend – is it a good one? Too soon to tell.

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