Thoughts on Pre-Cana and How it Relates to Mediation – Part 3

Over the past few months as my articles have been posted, many people have shared with me their own experiences and the advice they would pass along to a newly engaged couple. Some of the comments have come from marriage and family therapists who have a front row seat to marriages in crisis. One such colleague wrote that she advises the following to her dating clients: “Look at the person you’re dating. If they are are not living a lifestyle or working toward living a lifestyle you want to live, STOP dating them.” Seems simple and common-sensible enough, yes?

I would add something to this as well. Do you like the person? I mean genuinely like this person? If you weren’t in love with them, could they be your friend? Are they the sort of person you admire, respect, have fun with, can share your deepest and darkest secrets with? You are committing to spending a lifetime with this person, so the answers to these questions are important.

To conclude this 3rd and last installment on my Pre-Cana Articles (and I’ll follow up with an Epilogue once I’ve engaged with the class on January 12th), here are some thoughts and insights from a divorce mediator’s perspective that I’d like to share with the class.

Are you a rescuer? A helper? A fixer? You will be drawn to just the right relationship project. As my  grandmother always said, there is a cover for every pot! What you can’t imagine in the beginning is that there may come a time when you grow tired of being the one who always picks up the mess. Take a look at your intended’s ability to cope with adversity. Can you count on them to see things through and be there when the chips are down?

Is spending time with family important to you? Do you have a big, noisy, nose-y family like the one in the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding?” The main character Ian,  played by John Corbett, found his fiance’s boisterous family charming and delightful after living with his boring, plain vanilla, small and quiet family. But what if you like your boring, plain vanilla, small and quiet life? Are you prepared to spend every weekend bouncing back and forth between birthday parties, anniversary parties, christenings, Bar Mitzvah’s, soccer tournaments and every other event for which your spouse and his/her family deem your presence imperative? Think about it. Can you set boundaries that are acceptable to both of you without resentment and recriminations?

Are you an adventurer? A fun seeker? A hobbyist? Or is your idea of a comfortable weekend, staying home in front of the fire with a good book or watching an old movie or ball game and having dinner delivered? How does your mate feel about this? Are you both okay with going your separate ways from time to time when it comes to this? Sometimes you’ll hang out at the house but other times you’ll go off by yourself or with friends to do something that your partner really has no interest in or would prefer not to do. Does that work for you both?

Some of the other aspects of compatibility are in part listed below. These features would cover the mental, physical, psychological and spiritual essentials. I’ve learned over the years, that what may be important to one person, may not be important to another. What IS important, however, is that the essentials that you hold near and dear to your heart are the same or similar to the ones that your partner holds. Or at the very least, they respect and can accept.

Mental

• Are you intellectually compatible?
• Do you share a similar educational background and upbringing?
• Are you speaking the same theoretical language?

This has nothing to do with being smart, intelligent, etc. It has to do with both of you “getting” each other and being on a more or less equal footing.

Physical

Of course there has to be a physical attraction. If there weren’t, you probably wouldn’t be together to begin with. But:

• What about your partner’s personal and hygienic habits?
• Do they take care of themselves in the same way you do?
• If dental hygiene is important to you, is it to them?

It may sound silly but it’s really not.

Psychological

• Do you have the same sensibilities, humor, attitude and approach to life, attitude about money?
• Are you a glass half empty or half full kind of person? Is there a meeting of the minds/psyches?
• Are there healthy enough differences between you to breathe new life and inspiration into your relationship or are those differences going to be a bone of contention and never the twain shall meet?

Spiritual

• Where do you both stand on the perspective on the meaning of life?
• Do you share similar ideas about religion, spirituality, compassion, family, matters of the heart?
• Do you believe in acceptance, forgiveness, redemption?
• Can you work through heartache, loss, illness, death of a loved one in such a way that it brings you together rather than tears you apart?

None of these queries has an easy answer and as nice as it would be, none of us has a crystal ball to see into the future either. However, I believe that only we can ask the right questions of ourselves and our perspective mates, with our eyes fully opened and a willingness to accept the possibility that someone for whom we may have a great physical attraction, may not be the ideal mate for us after all.   If we are committing to a lifetime with someone, we want to stack the deck in the most realistically positive way for the most constructive outcome. Then we can let the romance begin!

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