Your Children Will Thank You

How many times has this happened to you? Suddenly you are hit with something unexpected that seems to come out of left field or you experience a series of events that push and challenge you beyond what you think you have the capacity to endure. It could involve:

• A serious health issue

• An altercation with a close friend or family member

• The loss of a job

• The death of a loved one

• The end of your marriage

The situation puts into question your very notions of who you are, where you’re at, and where you’re going. Your entire world seems upside down and inside out – and it is! I’m talking about big stuff here.

But then later, with the benefit of time, distance and a new perspective, as difficult and perhaps horrible as it may have been at the time, you find yourself on the other side of it. You think back on how you behaved toward yourself and other people, the time and energy you spent worrying and projecting all the “what if” scenarios, only to find that the one “what if” that didn’t occur to you was the one that did indeed occur.

After a “phew – made it” sensation, you may have come to realize that although you wouldn’t necessarily want to go through it again, it did open up other avenues for you that would not have been possible had you NOT gone through it. It may have even pushed you to do something you never thought you would do, which left you much better for it. In short – this “terrible” thing actually had a benefit that you never could have imagined!

On my website, I quote Soren Kierkegaard who said: “Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards.” How true! So what does this have to do with mediation and parenting in particular?

There have been many articles written, research done and general wisdom dispensed on the subject of how children fare when their parents separate and/or divorce. The bottom line is not surprising: Children do well when their parents do well and behave well, acting responsibly and civilly to each other. In other words, they partner up to do what’s best for the well-being of the children.

But as we all know, this is easier said than done. If you ask parents what or who is the most important thing to them, they will almost always say their children. So why do they usually allow them to be the first casualties in the divorce? We all know the rudiments of the top 10 list of what to do and not do – don’t put your children in the middle, don’t make them the messengers, don’t argue in front of them, etc. etc. I’m going to take a much longer view here.

Recall when you were going through that painful time in your life. Now add this new realization that perhaps you had wasted precious time worrying or behaving in a way that, with the perspective of hindsight, you are not particularly proud of. This new awareness can shed light as you go through the stressful time of separation and help you make choices about how you want to conduct yourself in “partnership” for the benefit of your children.

Your children will thank you for it!