The Art and Danger of Distracting Ourselves

Frasier: The five-time Emmy Award winning Best Comedy series, garnering an unprecedented total of 37 Emmys during its 11 season run from 1993 – 2004. And for GOOD reason. It was fantastic. I’ve been catching the reruns in the evenings and never, ever, tire of them. The series was a modern day showcase of Shakespearean proportions demonstrating human comedy and tragedy in all its glory. It’s hilarious.

Brilliantly mixing equal parts slapstick zaniness and heart-rending pathos, sometimes simultaneously, the actors pulled off an adult comedy with nary a false note. The interplay between the two brothers, Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer) and Niles Crane (David Hyde Pierce) is a cornucopia of stellar performances, precision writing, flawless timing – worth every minute of your half hour.

One of my favorite episodes (and it truly is hard to choose) was one titled, “Don Juan in Hell.”  Frasier, an eminent psychiatrist who also has a radio talk show in Seattle, is on the heels of yet another failed romance with someone his family considered to be the most suitable woman for him. They concluded, after he botched yet another romance, that he just can’t be happy.

So off he goes, alone, to the family cabin in the woods to try to sort things out for himself. As he drives, one by one, three of his very significant exes appear in his car, starting with the most formidable of them, Lilith. Lilith is his former wife, also a noted psychiatrist and with whom he has his only son. As the other two exes appear in the back seat, they begin to push, prod, debate, scold and argue with him. On and on and on this goes even after his arrival at the cabin. There his mother, who is deceased, appears and offers her particular take on his condition. Of course, he knows it’s his subconscious talking to him. “Why, oh why are you all doing this to me!” he exclaims. But they don’t stop the incessant pestering.

He pushes back, arguing and giving his excuses and reasons when they offer their respective diagnoses and analyses of what his problems are with women and why. There sits Frasier on the sofa while this maelstrom swirls around him with a non-stop cacophony of yelling and bellowing. Soon, the focus of this commotion is not with Frasier. Little by little they turn on each other and start arguing and yelling over their different viewpoints. Finally, Lilith screams, “STOP!” And all the voices are silenced. “Can’t you see what he’s doing?” she says. “He’s using us as a distraction to keep from taking responsibility for his own life.” The sheepish look on his face is priceless. Busted!

I’ve seen this episode several times and relish it every time I see it. Here’s a brilliant guy – for everyone else. But when it comes to the sort of self-reflection that would free him, he can’t seem to get out of his own way. It got me thinking about all the ways we refuse to take responsibility for our lives. It seems preferable to blame all those “thems” out there who are doing it to us.

I’ve seen miracles happen in my mediations when one or both of the parties acknowledge and admit their culpability for the demise of the marriage. Instead of passing the blame, they own it. Freedom!

Comments from Social Media

Brilliant!!! Thank you. Reading your post just made my week. So true, we do tend to blame others for our own responsibilities. The better ART would be to make something positive of your distractions so they can help you become a better person. Hope to read more of your posts.

Laura Medina – Rivera

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Yes, I love this comment. One must take responsibility for everything. We are accountable for even anticipating traffic so we are not late! Before I was formally edumacated, I took the EST training and all of the seminars. It became the Forum and is now Landmark. I think that is the most wonderful thing I learned. Taking responsibility. Contrary to most people’s feelings it’s very freeing to be responsible.

Jane Green, LCSW, BCD

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Great post. I wonder how often divorce litigation is a consequence of one or both parties’ unwillingness to accept any sense of responsibility. It’s far easier to project all the blame outward and insist that the world agree with you.

Rackham Karlsson

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Great article. Well said. Thank you for sharing

Matthew Colson