Thoughts on Promise and Redemption

{3:54 minutes to read} It seems the perfect time of year to give thought to this topic given the Easter and Passover season and the feel of re-birth that only spring can bring. I write this on March 20th as we enjoy the solar eclipse, the March equinox which heralds the arrival of spring. And still, it snows here this afternoon in the northeast – hopefully the last gasp of winter going out like a lion instead of the promised lamb. Soon, soon.

Promise

• For the Jews – the Passover promise,
• For the Christians – the Redeemer lives,
• For the Pagans – the earth recovers from her deep and abiding sleep to bring forth life again and again.

They are all magnificent miracles. And yet we can be so involved in our daily, hectic lives that we sometimes don’t even see it. We don’t allow our hearts to be moved by these wonders that occur not just in a specific season, but each and every day.

Redemption

The whole idea of redemption occurred to me during several mediations of recent note. In all three cases, one spouse had done something that the other spouse considered utterly unforgivable. Fair enough.

What I observed however, was that the offending spouses had acknowledged the wrong-doing, worked hard to set it to rights and were on the road to true redemption. The purpose was not to get into the other’s good graces necessarily, but because they truly saw the light and wanted to clean up their act and get on the right path for themselves.

What I also observed was the absolute refusal of the other party to allow that this phenomenon was actually occurring. They refused to such a point that they were actually blind to irrefutable facts in front of them. In fact, these new occurrences were benefiting them in ways that were not possible had not the redemption occurred. And still, they fought and argued even when the other party was agreeing with them.

Now, I’m not naïve. There is much more to these stories than I can get into in a 500-word blog. My point is more one of human behavior and observation. We’ve all been there. We can be so stuck in our position and our righteous anger; so utterly upset that we see everything through the filter of our fury and can’t see the light when it’s shining right in our face.

Promise and Redemption

In all three cases, the mediation process presented maneuvering room for clemency to occur. An egregious offense is an egregious offense and sometimes it is unforgivable. And yet, who is without sin? We’ve all done something that we’re not particularly proud of.

But when you are still parents to your children and don’t have the luxury of walking away from each other never to be seen again, it helps to take a breath and allow for some humanity and grace. Not only for the other person, but more importantly….for yourself.

‘Tis the season for reminders of renewal. Happy Spring!

Comments from Social Media

A long history of disappointment, frustrated expectations, and even betrayal can shape our perceptions to see only that which fits the past experience. You are so right to point out how that pattern disrupts mediation–especially when one person is authentically trying to make right a wrong. I find asking the aggrieved person, “What specific actions by ________ would make this right?” focuses the discussion.

Sometimes, the action that makes the most difference simply hasn’t been thought of. By asking the question, the mediator can save penitent partner from spinning his/her wheels on wasted efforts. Instead, they can focus on the actions that bring true healing.

At the other end of the spectrum–forcing the aggrieved party to specifically outline what might make a difference helps them focus on their own expectations and intentionally consider what is truly going on. If there is nothing the other person can do, they must acknowledge that. This causes most people to reconsider their stubbornness. If they can outline what they would like to see, the mediator can often draw connections between what has been offered and what the aggrieved person wants. This builds a small foundation toward redemption–which then allows the people to begin building the foundation of trust needed to continue parenting after the divorce. With all these options–the mediator can take a role in helping clients see the light shining in their faces. Thanks for an insightful blog–good to ponder.

Tess Worrell

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