How Do I Broach the “I Want a Separation” Conversation?

{4:36 minutes to read} . . . with great care, concern and compassion. Easier said than done, I know.

There are times when a potential client inquiring about my mediation services will tell me that they’re ready to start the process, but they haven’t even broached the subject with their spouse yet. Mainly, they don’t know:

• How to do it;
• When to do it;
• How to handle the potential resistance to the subject.

Depending on their gender, they may say something like:

1. He knows I’m unhappy, so this shouldn’t come as a surprise;
2. We’ve been talking about this for years, but neither of us ever did anything about it;
3. I know she’s talking to her friends, and they’re inflaming an already tense situation;
4. He thinks we can just keep the status quo because money is tight.

In these cases, I always ask if they would like me to give them some suggestions that may help ease the way into the conversation. No one has turned me down yet.

The first thing I offer is this: No matter how many times couples may have bandied around the idea of separating, it’s another thing when one spouse actually says the words out loud. It becomes real; it’s a declared intention; and there is no possibility of putting the genie back in the bottle.

So here are some guidelines I offer my potential clients, which may have value for you as well:

1. When: Make a date to talk. Springing such an important subject on someone who is in the middle of making dinner, just coming home from work, etc., is not the time to do it. Set up a mutually agreeable time when neither of you has any constraints so you can focus on this important conversation.
2. Where: Choose a public place and, if possible, a natural setting like a park, beach or hiking trail. Another good option is a diner, coffee shop, Starbucks or restaurant where you are breaking bread together.
   • I don’t recommend having the conversation in the house for two reasons:
     • It’s better to talk someplace neutral and not one so rife with emotional and financial investment;
     • The children may be around and you don’t want them inadvertently hearing what’s going on until you’re ready to tell them.
3. How: This is the tricky one, but there are some parameters that can increase open listening and decrease defensive posturing:
   • Focus on the present and the future. This is not the time to rehash the past.
   • Be mindful that this still may come as a surprise to your spouse. As I said before, no matter how many times you think you may have talked about it, you are clearly putting the matter in more formal terms now.
   • Talk about what is so for YOU. Don’t presume what’s so for your spouse, what’s good for him/her, how this is better and it’s all going to work out.
   • Acknowledge that this was a difficult decision to make, not one that came easily to you and that your intention is not to hurt your spouse/the family.
   • Grant that it will be challenging on many levels but that your fervent hope is that you can both do it well together and that you minimize any negative impact and create as positive an environment as possible, especially if there are children involved.

And one more thing: If you’ve made up your mind that this is the best course of action for you, then it is time to have this conversation. Once done, remember to give your spouse time to wrap his or her head around it. Ask how much time they need before you can both decide when it’s time to call a mediator.