Move the Cotton from Your Ears to Your Mouth!

{2:58 minutes to read}

This past December, as I usually do, I attended the monthly meeting and annual holiday breakfast for the Long Island chapter of the Employee Assistance Professional Association (EAPA). This is an organization of professionals who offer services and support to mostly small businesses that don’t have HR departments per se. These businesses may need assistance with employees who have drug and/or addiction problems, or marital issues that are preventing them from focusing on their work and other related employee matters.

At the holiday breakfast, our Long Island chapter presents an Agency of the Year Award to a worthy recipient who upholds the highest standards of the organization. This year it went to The Kenneth Peters Center for Recovery. Director Claudia Ragni accepted the award on behalf of her staff.

During her acceptance speech, she thanked not only her incredibly gifted staff, but many people who guided her, mentored her and supported her along the way. One of the people she thanked was someone early in her career who mentored her burgeoning vocation. What she remembered most was the advice this person gave her: “Take the cotton out of your ears and stuff it in your mouth.”

This, of course got a big laugh from everyone. But for those of us in a “helping” profession, we take this to heart. One of the first things we are taught to do is to listen to our clients/patients. Really listen. This means shutting off the voice in your head that tells you what you are going to say next. Most of us are guilty of listening that way — with an ear toward what WE want to say, rather than hearing what’s being said. I call it “anticipatory listening.” One of the most difficult things I had to learn was to listen powerfully. It’s not easy.

In defense of “anticipatory listening” — I would say that for most of us, when someone is speaking, we ARE listening. AND we are also assessing, weighing, evaluating and mentally debating. This is not a bad thing necessarily. The trick is to be able to do all of those things and still HEAR what the other person is saying without our own internal filters. To try to still that voice in our head and yet still be able to determine the intention, meaning and other subtle variables that are involved in any verbal exchange — it’s tricky business.

Often, my clients want information to help them decide what’s best for them in the end. That means listening with an ear toward answering those questions in a way that will help them make informed decisions without influencing, prejudicing or insinuating what they should decide to do. My mentor’s advice was: “If you are talking, you are not mediating.” Again, a fine line to walk.

This March, I’ll be presenting a talk on Divorce and Family Mediation to the same local Long Island EAPA chapter. I plan to share similar words of wisdom that Claudia’s mentor and mine shared with us. After all, we’re all in this together.