Civility + Dignity = Inner Peace

{3:36 minutes to read} It seems that one of the many things lacking in our everyday lives these days is even a modicum of civility.

What happened to “Please?”

And “Thank you?”

And “Excuse me?”

Exactly! These are common courtesies we afforded each other during our daily discourses.

What happened to:

• Walking through a door and looking back to see if someone is right behind you so you can hold the door open for them?
• Noticing that an older and more frail person cannot reach up to grab a can on the upper shelf of the supermarket?
• Cutting a driver some slack and allowing them to gain entrance onto the highway?
• Writing a thank-you note to someone who has done something nice for you?
• Acknowledging a smile, a gift, that someone looks beautiful today?

This lack of civility also spills into the mediation room. I’ve watched several couples over the past year or so begin the mediation with such loathing and disrespect for their soon-to-be ex-spouse that the taint of these emotions and expressions enveloped them, too. They couldn’t possibly have felt good about themselves by the time they got done mopping the floor with their incensed rage.

In most of these cases, they would either apologize to me as they were walking out of the room or call me the next day to say that they are not normally like this. I know they felt bad about themselves. It’s hard not to feel bad when we are discourteous and disrespectful, no matter the circumstances..

The good news is mediation!

I know I say this over and over again – so forgive me – but the truth is that mediation presents an opportunity for a more civilized approach to settling affairs for the parties. And with civility, comes a sense of dignity.

Dignity – I love this word. It’s an inner sense that one is comporting oneself with a level of grace and gravitas. No one can make you feel dignified. It’s something that has to come from within. Think of the Queen of England. It’s unimaginable that she would behave in any way other than a dignified manner – no matter what the circumstances.

I’m not soft-soaping this. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither is the business of separating, ending a marriage, or trying to work things out for the betterment of the children. It takes time to build trust and good intentions. It IS hard work, and the results are not always visible during the process.

However, I also know this: The alternative (litigation) will not make you feel any better about yourself. When you complete a mediation process, you will be able to walk out holding your head up high with your dignity intact and ultimately with peace in your heart knowing you comported yourself with civility and respect.

Thank you for your attention.

Comments from Social Media

 This a truism that should not be quickly swept under the carpet. People should learn to be courteous and respectful while relating to others

Vincent Omorie 

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Ada, I thank you for this Post. We all need to hear this message. We are quick to condemn the actions of others and easily convince ourselves that others are responsible for our inner emotional experience. Forgetting to be responsible for what we think, say and do. I firmly believe (although most of my friends say that it doesn’t make sense) that in harming another in thought, word or deed, we need to hurt ourselves first. They are not aware that before I can hurt another, I need to be the kind of person willing and able to harm that Other. I need to be in pain first. If I were to be in ‘perfect peace’ (perhaps by adopting the maxim of: “civility + dignity = Inner Peace” as suggested above) I would be not only unwilling to harm another, but incapable. In any case, my sense is that the ‘Other’ is in fact a projection of my own Evolution at that point in time and space. It doesn’t taken any human ‘Super Power’ to find fault in another. What we need is to consistently validate the Other. Recognising their right to exist, even as they act unskilfully. And, given that our unskilled actions are only an expression of unmet needs, if we can assist the ‘Other’ to get their needs met in a more appropriate way, a resolution can be found. You will we wise enough to know that we are not condoning abuse in this discussion. That is a subject for another discussion.

Trevor Sutton

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Though basic–this point is important. I think mediators who set some “civility ground-rules” help clients move more quickly out of “acting out” their anger or fears so the other person will hear them and into communicating those significant factors in more productive ways. Ways that not only move the mediation forward but enable them to feel good about themselves in the process.

Tess Worrell