Life Tips Post Separation/Divorce: The Post Separated, Single Parent … Couple

Part I

You’re probably wondering what this title could possibly mean. It is unusual, but accurately describes what actually goes on for most couples parenting their children in a post-separation world. And because of that, I thought it worthy of closer examination.

I find in my mediations, that many couples choose joint custody (joint decision-making) with one parent being the residential custodial parent (where the children reside most of the time). Before we explore this concept, you may want to refer to my article “Child Custody Arrangements” where I give a detailed explanation of the various custody arrangements in New York State.

When we work on a joint custody co-parenting plan, the bulk of the time spent with the children naturally falls on the residential custodial parent. After all, when the children wake up in the morning, it’s that parent who gets them up and ready for school or camp; when the children come home, there are usually extra curricular activities to run to like soccer practice, tutoring or some other after school pursuit. The children have homework to do, school projects to work on, dinner to eat, showers to take and then wind-down before bed time. I’m exhausted just writing about it!

The residential custodial parent is usually the taskmaster, homework nagger, referee of sibling disputes, cook, clean laundry producer, computer fixer, taxi and all around authority figure. When spouses live together, they share in all of these responsibilities. However, now that they are living separately, a new plan must be constructed to include the full participation of both parents, not only to ease the burden on the custodial parent, but for the welfare of the children as well.

I point this out because I have seen times when, during the heated debate about the separation, the custodial parent may threaten the non-custodial parent about access to the children. Aside from the fact that children should never be used as pawns in the negotiation (for all the obvious reasons), I don’t think it occurs to the custodial parent what life will be like being a “single” parent morning, noon and night, day in and day out. It doesn’t matter how much you love your children, parenting is tough business. While this may not feel burdensome at first, being the “on site” parent creates enormous pressure, and eventually, the need for a break will be essential.

Despite mapping out a weekly and monthly schedule that provides as much balance in the co-parenting as possible, the lion’s share of the time with the children still seems to fall on the custodial parent. The task at hand is thinking through a parenting plan that allows for as much shared day to day responsibility as possible within the constraints of the living arrangements. This is where mediation really is instrumental.

And so the title of this article: The post-separation, single parent….couple. Parents will always be parents and as such, the post–separated single parent will still be part of a couple as they co-parent their children.

BUT there is still that sticky issue of the custodial parent feeling like they are left holding the bag on everything as if they were a single parent. Stay tuned for part II.