Life Tips Post Separation/Divorce: The Post Separated, Single Parent … Couple

Part II

When crafting a parenting plan, the most important consideration is that the children have as much access to both parents as possible. Research strongly suggests that children who are co-parented by loving, involved and cooperative parents are significantly impacted in a more positive way in both the short and long term. They become happier, more confident, and well adjusted adults. This just makes sense.

If the couple has worked out a joint custody arrangement (joint decision making) with one parent being the custodial parent (CP) and the other being the non-residential custodial parent (NRCP), the challenge is how to create a balance of shared time with the children.

This is not only crucial for the children, but also for the parents. And it is especially true if the NRCP has been extremely involved in the day to day lives of the children. The very thought of not being there every day to tuck the kids in at night or have breakfast with them before school can be particularly disconcerting.

Working in substantial time for the children to be with the NRCP is key for a number of reasons. For the CP, he or she may soon find that being a 24 hour parent is both physically and mentally exhausting. Soon enough, the idea that the NRCP will be picking the kids up on Friday at 6:00 and bringing them home on Sunday at 7:00 starts to sound like a brilliant concept! If the NCRP’s work schedule is such that access to the children during the weekdays is limited, any block of time he or she will have with the children will be that much more significant.
Two of the central factors that parents need to reflect on when working on their parenting plan are the ages of the children and the parents’ schedules (work and otherwise). For the most part, this will guide the calendar more than anything else. Additional factors may include: the maturity of the children, consideration of their individual needs and desires (if appropriate) and most importantly, honoring the relationship they have with both parents prior to the separation.

Before the separation, both parents, dwelling in the marital home together, tend to make all the day to day decisions about the children without realizing they’re doing it:

• What afterschool activity does Jack have today and who is going to be home to pick him up?
• What birthday gift has to be purchased for Jennifer’s friend’s party this Saturday and who is going to shop for it?
• How are we going to get Jack to his soccer game and Jennifer to her party and what does the pickup schedule look like?
• Who is going to work on the science project with Jennifer and who will make sure that the math tutor is secured for Jack?

These, and so many more decisions are made every day while cleaning up the kitchen together, working side by side raking the leaves, or by text message/phone call when parents are working during the day. Now, in a post-separation world, they will have to figure out how to continue to make those “joint” decisions for the children while living apart.

For every couple, there are infinite varieties of plans they can work out together and I’ve seen couples come up with an amazing array of possibilities. For example:

• One parent works a midnight to 9:00 am shift and can be available for the children after school until the other parent comes home from work.
• The NRCP works a regular schedule and can only be available several nights during the week for dinner with the children, with the possibility that one or more of those evenings can be an overnight.

There is no “one size fits all,” so by working together, we can tease out all kinds of options until we create a workable arrangement that provides as much access as both parents need and desire. Mediation offers the forum to craft flexible and creative schedules that reflect and satisfy the needs of the entire family.

Bear in mind that creating a united front to the children will be very important here. Once the plan is in place, it may take a little time for everyone to get used to it. Although tweaking it may come in time, we know that children can be wily and sensing discord between their parents, can easily manipulate and exploit a situation to their advantage. Therefore, a common parent narrative (what you agree to tell your children about the parenting plan), the ability to be open to adjustments if necessary and appropriate, and most importantly, the intention to create a practical and effective plan that works for both the parents and the children is not only an attainable goal but imperative to the success of your post-separation family arrangement.