Separation or Divorce – The Emotional Divorce

The decision to seek a divorce or separation is in most cases, a difficult one. It is often preceded by months (if not years) of contemplation and thought. Your mind is torn between many differing emotions: confusion, anger, frustration, fear. You ask yourself:

• Should I stay or leave?
• Will he or she change?
• How will it affect me?
• How will it affect the children?
• Should we look at a “trial separation” first?

These are only a few of the thoughts that go through your mind as you consider what to do.

Of all the decisions you have to make, one of the most difficult is how and when to tell your spouse. When planning this step, you will want to take into account the possibility that he or she may be taken by surprise. Because often the breakup of a marriage is the result of a breakdown in communication, neither of you may have really heard what the other has been saying – -or NOT saying. Therefore, your spouse may not have realized that, despite the many discussions the two of you have had, things had reached the point where you are seriously considering a divorce or separation.

The surprised spouse may be months behind emotionally. They have not been struggling with the pros and cons of getting a divorce or separation. They may have thought that, although there were some difficulties in the marriage, these difficulties were not serious enough to lead to a separation or a divorce. As a result, they may be hurt and angry.

Unfortunately, when people are hurt they often react with anger, lashing out at the person who has hurt them, wanting some kind of quid pro quo. Often they view the legal system as a way of getting back at the one who hurt them and initiate legal action believing that they will feel better when the legal issues are resolved. Unfortunately, a hurtful and costly court battle is usually the result.

Anger and hurt are not the only reasons a couple becomes involved in a court battle. The spouse who had first considered the divorce may now be in a hurry to “get things moving” and puts pressure on the other spouse to act. He or she is tired of waiting and, having made this very difficult decision, is anxious to be done with it and get on with his or her life. Often legal action is the form of pressure put on the other spouse to act.

Rather than initiating legal action, it would be far better for both of you to understand the emotions of the other.

• If you initiated the idea of a divorce or separation, realize that your spouse needs time to consider and digest it. You probably did not reach the decision to separate or divorce overnight and he or she is going to need some time to come to terms with this as well.
• If you are not the one who initiated the idea of a separation or divorce, realize that your husband or wife has probably been considering this for a long time. You may need time to catch up but you should also understand that your spouse is ready now and may not be willing to wait indefinitely.

If you believe you need legal advice, contact an attorney and discuss your options, but don’t, unless absolutely necessary, retain the attorney and allow him or her to initiate legal action. Mediation rather than litigation may be a better option to consider and may make the emotional shift easier for both parties. No matter what, wait until both of you have come to terms with the idea of the separation or divorce. Only then will you be able to make intelligent decisions.

Let your head catch up with your heart. The result will be better for both of you.