Separation/Divorce: Mediation – A Means For Better Communication

In my years as a divorce and family mediator, I’ve seen over and over again what a critical role communication plays in relationships. I’ve also seen how mediation can encourage and improve communication between couples, potentially resulting in one of two very positive outcomes.

One outcome is that the parties are able to communicate and work together in a spirit of cooperation, coming to mutually satisfactory resolutions on all the issues that have to be included in their Settlement Agreement. The couple addresses the needs of the family in a balanced way and their collaboration helps their children make the transition to a new family structure which hopefully will be no less whole and secure for. When this occurs, I consider it a job well done.

This is not to say that it’s easy to get there, but the mediated setting allows for a dialogue between the couple that is not necessarily available in the litigated arena. This discourse can often lead to a new understanding between the parties.

When couples are contemplating a separation, they are focused on what’s NOT working in their relationship and understandably have an inventory of grievances to support this perspective. Once the focus is on “what’s wrong with this relationship”, communication between them breaks down and finding a way to hear each other becomes almost impossible.

Many married couples have, what I call, an “already listening” attitude with each other. What I mean by that is:

• They already know what the other person “means” when they say thus and so;
• They already know what the other person is going to say even before they say it;
• They already know the history behind what’s being said and therefore they don’t even bother listening anymore;
• They feel that they’ve heard it all before and it’s just going to be more of the same.

Which leads me to the second potential outcome of mediation, which is that it can lead to a revelation when one spouse hears something for the “first time.” As mediators, we strive to keep all lines of communication open and toward that end, we will often reframe and reflect what we are hearing from each of them in order to restate what was said in such a way that the other person can actually hear it.

In the “already listening” mode, one can completely miss what is actually said because the “listener” is only hearing what they thought was meant, not hearing what was actually stated. We are all guilty of this kind of listening. Just look at the face of a spouse who, at a party, has heard the other spouse tell a joke/story for the umpteenth time and you know what I mean. But what is essential for a mediation to be successful, is that each party be heard and understood so as a couple they can make good decisions together and continue to co-parent their children well.

When couples are able to communicate in mediation, they sometime have an exciting “Ah ha” moment. One such moment occurred when I was working with a couple on their parenting plan. This plan was complicated by the fact that the wife had been out of the work force for quite some time and now had to contemplate going back to work AND still be there for the kids when they came home from school. The husband worked in Manhattan so could provide no assistance in that regard. Naturally, she was upset about the situation for all the obvious reasons, not the least of which included her anxiety about getting back into the work force after all the years on the side lines while she was raising the children.

During that session, the husband acknowledged her for the amazing job she had done raising the children while he was an almost “absentee” father. He praised her for her fortitude, intelligence and wits. He apologized to her for having to put up with him all those years.

I watched her face as he spoke. It transformed from a grimace to one of sheer astonishment. She looked at him with tears in her eyes and said: “You never told me that before.” It was truly a beautiful moment. They put the mediation on hold, agreed to go to couple counseling and I never heard from them again. The best kind of mediation success story!

If not for the mediation setting, this wonderful occasion of pure communication might never have occurred. This is the potential that mediation holds. It doesn’t always end in happily ever after, but it can create a new “listening” relationship for a couple that can hold them in good stead as they transition their relationship into the future.