The Conversation Continued… “We Have To Talk”

In Part 1 of this series, we discussed the difficulty most people have facing this particular task. Many spouses hope that the other spouse just “gets it,” but that rarely happens. So now we explore the when, the where, the how and the what to say, for this very important conversation.

When Amy* calls me to find out about my mediation services, one of the last questions I ask during the phone intake is: “Is John* on the same page with you in terms of readiness to formalize a separation, or are you just exploring the options and gathering information on your own?” Her answer will determine my response. If John is ready, then we open up the calendar and schedule the consultation.

However, if Amy has not let John know yet that she is serious about moving forward with the separation, I ask her if she knows how to broach the subject, let alone what to say and how to say it. Chances are she is stymied at this point, so it’s natural that she would have a lot of anxiety about taking this next step.

In brief, these are my suggestions on the when, the where, the how and the what:

When

1. Make a date to speak with each other.
2. Don’t wait until there is another argument or blow up. Better to set a mutually agreeable time to have the conversation when you are both calm and relaxed.
3. Pick a time when there are little or no time constrictions for either of you. You don’t want to have this conversation when you only have 45 minutes because you have to pick up the kids.

Where

1. Select a location that is not proprietary, meaning NOT in the marital home.
2. Go somewhere where you are completely out of earshot of the children.
3. Pick a public place, somewhere where you have lots of room around you to speak freely. Options might be a busy diner, a noisy Starbucks, the beach, a park, etc. – somewhere where you have a modicum of privacy and your conversation will not be overheard.

How

1. Start by talking about what is true for you about the situation and your resolve to move forward.
2. Try to stay away from rehashing old grievances and arguments. Focus on the future.
3. Don’t presume to know what is good for your spouse, nor tell him/her what they should be feeling, thinking or how they should react.
4. Keep your conversation in the I, as in: “This is what’s going on for me and what I would like to see happen now.”

What else?

1. Remember what is important to you and stick with that. If you have children, focus on them and how important it is to you that they continue to have two loving and involved parents, no matter what.
2. Acknowledge that this will be difficult. Money will be tighter, parenting will be more challenging and the future may feel uncertain even as you work together in an amicable way. Be honest, don’t discount the realities.
3. Request a “by when” that your spouse will get back to you about moving forward. Remember you’ve had a little more time to think this through and ready yourself for this next step. Give them the same grace.

Again – this may be one of the most difficult conversations you’ll ever have, so take a deep breath, be calm and be yourself. You can do this.

For more on this topic, read The Emotional Divorce here.

* Not actual persons