The New Year – One, Two, Three Punch!

{2:53 minutes to read} I have three close friends going through a marriage crisis as we begin this New Year:

• One is definitely moving forward with a divorce.
• One just had the “I want a separation” conversation with her spouse.
• One is still trying to work things out, having just gone through a brief “time out”- physical separation.

Of course their crises didn’t just start on January 1st. These things never just start on any particular day. But there is something about the holidays that sort of puts a marker on things.

I’ve noticed, that as a general rule, there are 3 times of the year when my phone rings heavily with people seeking my mediation services . . .  and 2 of those times revolve around a holiday.

1. Right after the school year is over and the kids are off to summer camp. This is when parents have more freedom and flexibility to deal with this on their own, while out of sight of their children for a while.
2. Right after Labor Day when the kids are back to school and life returns to somewhat normal after the summer holiday and vacations.
3. Right after Christmas/New Year. I call this one the “get me outta here!” phone call.

The winter holiday season, which begins with Thanksgiving and flows through the New Year, is a tough one for those examining their relationships. They are questioning their ability to keep the marriage intact and hoping/ wondering if they can continue to hold it together through a time of parties, gift-giving and family festivities.

And so the calls come right after Christmas, right after the New Year, right after they have held their collective breath and gotten through the season somehow. Whatever happened during the holidays,  the time is nigh.

I have known about my friends’ impending crises for some time. One called me the afternoon of December 31st – I knew immediately that something was up. For all of them:

• I have listened intently;
• Been a shoulder to cry on;
• Offered a perspective when it was appropriate; and
• Gave carefully administered advice when asked.

But in the end, I knew that their situation would have to play itself out… as they all must. Each marriage is unique unto itself. They’re in, they’re out; they’re up, they’re down; it’s over, it’s back on; one more try…then a second… then a third…Hoping against hope that they wouldn’t have to face this reality.

My heart is heavy for each of them AND their spouses because I know what they are about to embark on.

• The emotional loss
• The financial concerns
• The sense of failure
• Anxiety about their children
• Worry about the future
• The whirlwind of turmoil until it all gets worked out

After all this time as a mediator, this much I know – it will all work out. Uneasy though it may be.

As the Dev Patel character Sonny keeps saying in the movie, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel – “It will all work out in the end – and if it didn’t work out…it’s not the end!”