The Parents Eat Bitter Grapes and the Children’s Teeth Are Set On Edge

The parents eat bitter grapes and the children’s teeth are set on edge.
Jeremiah: 31.29

{4 minutes to read}  I don’t think you need to be a biblical scholar to know what this means. In the context of the Old Testament, Jeremiah’s admonition addressed the tribal grievances that get passed down from generation to generation, creating a world of divisiveness, acrimony and conflict. This starts on the micro scale of families which begets the macro scale of whole cultures. Once it takes hold in a young child, the unintended consequences, the proliferation of the damage may not always be immediately apparent. But they are there.

When parents are angry and upset, they pass it down to their children who will likely take up the mantel and carry it forward into their lives. This is sad but true. Parents can do well by their children by acting like the mature adults they need to be no matter what is going on in their own lives. I know that separation and divorce is a very disorienting event. Just imagine what it’s like for your children who have no say about what’s going on.

Everything starts at home. Children learn what their parents teach them. Children learn not so much by what parents tell them (although that is powerful), but mainly what parents demonstrate by their actions. I’ve seen enough parenting issues in my work as a mediator that I can safely say, I’ve seen it when parents choose to co-parent well and I’ve seen it when they choose not to. And it is a choice!

When parents continue to fight and argue and trash each other, the innocents get caught in the crosshairs and suffer great consequences. Kids don’t want to hear their parents calling each other names. Despite the situation, parents have to take a deep breath, stop the continual blaming and shaming of each other and be the safety net for their children. Your kids are watching… and listening… and making big decisions about the whole thing.

Kids have it hard enough being kids these days. Please don’t pass on your bitterness and anger for the choices you have made and make your children the:

1. Messenger;
2. Secret keeper;
3. Monkey in the middle; or
4. Parent to their own parents.

I mediated a couple a number of years ago who have one child. At least once a year, I get a call from them. They are still fighting over parenting time with her. I always explain that parents have to be flexible and fluid with each other because the parenting plan isn’t always black and white despite how detailed it may be.

When they first came to see me, their daughter was two years old. Now she is five. They both told me that she is asking a lot of questions because of all the arguing. I have encouraged them to return to mediation to talk it out but one of them refuses to do so. So they continue to fight with each other and now their young daughter is old enough to see, hear and understand the discord, which they are already passing down to her — whether they like it or not.

Bitter grapes can turn sweet — there’s still time.