The Storm Before the Calm

{3:30 minutes to read} Jim* sat there during the third session, looking like someone who had been shot from a cannon. This was clearly still not easy for him, not by a long shot.

Ann* had been unemployed for a while now as they had agreed that she should stay home and take care of their children, at least until they both deemed that her staying at home was no longer necessary. A common agreement . . . but now what?

Making a go of things within the limits of one income was already a challenge. Separating households was going to be even more difficult and they both knew it. Ann assured Jim that she was looking for work and would find employment as soon as she could.

For Jim, this was a double whammy. He was still very unhappy about the demise of the marriage, and the money concerns were not helping.

Among the many issues posed by Ann going back to work:

• There would be the added costs for “before” and “after” school child care. Although they would both be responsible for sharing in these payments, it would take a significant bite out of her potential paycheck.
• Ann was uneasy about going back to her former line of work with its hectic schedule.  It involved working weekends and a good deal of travel. She didn’t think it was a good idea for the children to have to make SO many changes at one time given their impending separation. Jim did not disagree, but still…

Hence the storm. They roiled through the review of their respective budgets again and again.

Essentials vs. non-essentials:

• What was absolutely necessary and what was not?
• How could they determine the needs from the wants?
• For how long would they have to live within these limited means?

There were not only financial but emotional considerations as well:

• Were the vacations they included possible this year; next year?
• How much convenience food (take out) was required vs preparing meals?
• Could the holiday/birthday expenses (including gifts, parties, etc.) exist in the same way?
• Did the nanny, housekeeper stay or go?

The storm raged and then began to subside… as storms eventually do. Reality set in. Jim and Ann hunkered down. Blame, shame and make wrong receded. They rolled up their sleeves and figured it out. Compromises were made, arduous though some of them were, and uneasy though it may have been, calm prevailed.

No one said the work involved in concluding a marriage is going to be easy. But at least in mediation, once the storm has run its course, the parties have the opportunity to create a new beginning and design a workable environment for the calm after the storm.

*Names have been changed