They Are Not Normal Until Tuesday

{3 minutes to read}  I’ve been mostly doing video blogs these days and have not written a blog in a while. But a chance encounter with someone (I’ll call him David) prompted me to write this article.

As you know, I’ve written extensively about children and divorce over the years and how parents, who go through a separation and divorce, need to be especially mindful about the impact on their children. The attitude and behavior of the parents make a significant difference in how children will view the transition into the new family structure. It may also contribute to how they make decisions about relationships, marriage and love throughout their lives.

Could they go through life trying to protect themselves from emotional hurt, never giving themselves a chance to be open and vulnerable to love? Perhaps. And that is one of a number of major consequences that could happen as children watch their parents destroy each other.

I recently met someone who is divorced and remarried. As usually happens when people meet me and find out that I am a divorce and family mediator, they want to share their stories and experiences. I welcome this. I always learn something useful that I can add to the stories in my “goody bag” and bring back to my mediation table. Hopefully, these stories can help my couples view things from another perspective.

Here’s what David told me. His wife has children from her first marriage. They are young teenagers and whenever they spend any extended amount of time with their dad (weekends, for example), they come home on Sunday night, out of sorts, surly and nasty to their mother. It takes a few days for them to calm down and return to their usual selves, or as David put it: “They are not normal until Tuesday.”

“Why is that?” I asked. Well, apparently, the children’s father badgers them about their mother, trash talks to the kids about her, complains about what she is putting him through, whines about the money he gives her for their support, and the like. How does David know this? Because over the years, the children have revealed, in bits and pieces, that he does that.

Of course, the kids are conflicted, uncomfortable and confused. They want to see their dad, but they have to shore themselves up when they do because they don’t know how to respond when he peppers them about their “other” life. They can’t reveal that all is well, that they are happy with their mom’s new husband — that he’s a good guy. They don’t know how to get out of answering questions about their mother which they know will just invoke more vitriol from dad. And so it goes — you get the picture.

So — you want to be a good parent to your children? Don’t put your children through the third degree. Be happy that they are happy, and let them be normal ALL the time. With teenagers, that in itself is challenging enough.