“We’ve Got It All Worked Out” and Other Myths

A common misconception that many couples coming to mediation may have is that they “have it all worked out.” Other abounding myths include:

“This is going to be your easiest mediation yet.”

“We’re going to continue to live in the house together until our son goes off to college.”

Experience has told me that often these are the most difficult mediations simply because they think they have it all worked out – but really, they don’t.

Additionally, because of these potentially impractical notions, they believe that the mediation will only take a few sessions at the most. With this in mind, they become upset when they realize the mediation will take a little longer than they thought (or hoped) it would because there is still much more to do to complete their agreements.

It’s always helpful when clients come in with at least the bones of an agreement worked out. The problem arises when they think that they have it all worked out, so the issue for the mediator is to keep them encouraged by recognizing that the effort they made together has provided a solid basis from which to proceed.

I’ve had a number of clients come in with a written agreement – usually only a few pages. The final Settlement Agreement could be anywhere from 30 to 45 pages depending on the content, so how can only a few pages fit the bill? Clearly many important elements are missing, and when we start exploring the nitty-gritty details, they realize that much had not been discussed or thought through thoroughly enough.

These are often topics where they don’t see eye-to-eye to begin with, and as a result, didn’t want to go down that road with each other in the hopes that it would all somehow magically work out when the time came.

A few examples of these areas could be (and there are many):

1. What it really takes financially to support two separate households

2. Discussion of child support:

• • How to recalculate going forward
  • How often during the month and what form (check or wire transfer) the child support will take, etc.

3. Timing of the sale of the house (if applicable) and the impact on the spouse who moves out, to purchase a new home when his or her name is still on the mortgage

4. The fine details of the parenting plan including:

• • Specific pick up and drop off times
  • How to divide the time for the Christmas holiday, for example, including Eve, morning and day
  • Who will be responsible for taking time off from work when the children are sick, etc.

5. How to make mutual decisions and share in the expenses for the extracurricular activities, tutoring and college education for the children

I often liken the work we do in mediation to launching a ship. We want to be sure that we secure the lines, plug all the holes and batten down the hatches NOW, so that once they set sail and find themselves somewhere 60 miles offshore, the important work has been done ahead of time and they are ready for whatever nature (the unexpected) may throw their way.

Comments From Social Media

I stress that going through the process is very important and it takes time to work through all the potential issues likely to arise.

Pamela Kay Struss, Ph.D.

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A good read. As family mediation is alien to me, it is always insightful to understand the different issues faced in such a mediation.

Runako Mowatt

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Great insights. I especially like your ship analogy. In fact, I might adopt and adapt it to my own mediation in other areas of dispute.

Rebecca Carroll-Bell

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Indeed. Those mediations that at first seem like they may be the easiest sometimes turn out to be the most challenging. And vice versa. Such is the wonder of mediation. Love it! 

Brian Galbraith

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So true, Ada. I’ve found it’s also true of prenuptial agreements — prospective clients sometimes just want me to rubber-stamp a one-page agreement they put together. They are disappointed when I tell them that if I did, the resulting document would face overwhelming enforceability issues. Another problem is when “we have it all worked out” really just means that one of the spouses thinks they have the solution, and the other spouse simply hasn’t spoken up yet. Either way, clients need to understand that mediation is a process, and if you insist on cutting corners, you will probably get out of it what you paid for (which is to say, not much). 

Rackham Karlsson

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I agree. There are literally hundreds of details to be covered before a Marital Settlement Agreement is complete. The average person gets divorced once. There is no way they could ever think of all the things that a trained mediator will cover.  

Elinor Robin

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I have seen both extremes. One couple who thought they had everything worked out had not even thought about 23 of the 25 big questions they needed to answer. Retirement accounts? Who gets what furniture? Tax exemptions for the kids? College planning? And so on. Another couple truly had done their research, gotten advice from attorneys, and made decisions about almost all of the matters they needed to decide. Our sole meeting lasted about two hours, spent mostly on two previously unresolved questions. Acting as their scrivener, I wrote a draft for them, emailed it to them, and recommended that they have attorneys advise them about it before they signed it. We tweaked a few sentences by phone and email. Then they printed copies, signed them in front of notaries, prepared the additional forms necessary for filing for divorce pro se, and got divorced. 

Virginia Colin, Ph.D.

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Ada, So true. Great article. 

Elinor Robin, Ph.D.