What Is the Half Life of Guilt?

{3:48 minutes to read} There is never a time during which I co-conduct the training at the Center for Mediation & Training in New York City that I don’t come away with a few exquisite gems. I train alongside 2 veteran mediators, Ken Neumann and Steve Abel, who not only trained and mentored me in the craft back in 2003, but over the years, have become close colleagues and friends as well.

The classes are always dynamic and engaging because the students are mostly professionals in other fields, who bring a level of their expertise and experience to the room. The 40-hour basic training is always a harvest of insight and enlightened thinking for all of us, trainers included.

In one such class, a student asked a question about what to do (as a mediator) when you see one spouse practically giving the other spouse “everything” or more than what would be considered usual, customary or normal. In other words, the balance seems to be way off.

As mediators, we deem one of our responsibilities to be balancing the power/outcomes in the room – especially if it appears to be skewed significantly. We explored some of the reasons why someone would simply give away so much, and guess what heads that list? Guilt!

Sometimes, one of the spouses is feeling so guilty about something they did, didn’t do, should have done, could have done, etc., that it impedes their ability to see into the future and consider what the long-term impact would be to such a decision.

Ken Neumann asks: “What is the half-life of guilt?”

The term “half-life” or “biological half-life” in pharmacology means the time required for the activity of a substance taken into the body to lose one-half of its initial effectiveness. In general and more informal terms, we would mean: What is that brief period of time during which something flourishes before dying out?

Great question! It awakens the consciousness to a future-based consideration and not one mired in the past.

To further the point, the question would be: How are you going to feel about these decisions a few years from now, once the guilt has abated and you find yourself on the short end of the stick?

Although there is always the opportunity to amend your Agreement, what if the spouse who got the better end of the deal doesn’t want to change it?

Because guilt, as we all know, can be a huge and oh, so powerful motivator, the questions are:

1. Will the feelings have lasting power?

2. How will that feeling play out over a longer period of time?

3. Is this the only and best motivator there is to negotiate a settlement?

4. How will your decisions, based on this emotion alone, impact your children?

5. What IS the half-life of guilt?

Now, in the present time, is the time to consider the possibilities in ALL their incarnations before it’s too late.