Better the devil you know? Really? I’m not so sure about that, but it does seem to be a prevailing wisdom and people appear to cling to the notion of it. By “devil” I don’t mean a person, but rather a situation, a circumstance, a condition. We like our comfort zones but things may not be quite right, and when every option has been explored to no avail, then some sort of change becomes necessary. Whether we are the author of that change or it just comes our way and we unwittingly get caught up in the swell of it, something IS going to happen.
Benjamin Franklin, in a letter written in 1789 to Jean-Baptiste Leroy stated (now a much quoted line): “Our new Constitution is now established, and has an appearance that promises permanency; but in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” I would respectfully add one more certainty – change. Yes, change, the one thing that we human beings consistently resist despite its inexorable march to the future. Our comfort zone tendency is to throw the blanket over our proverbial heads and hope it will all go away. We know better than that. In fact, sometimes, time not only does not heal all wounds, but actually inflames them. Remember, change is inevitable and it is always better to be the author of that change rather than the responder.
This is not a lead in to suggest advocacy for divorce and separation. If you read my website articles, you will know that I’ve guided a number of my mediation clients to couples counselors over the years with the happy result that they have found their way back to each other and a separation or divorce was no longer a compelling option for them. I consider these my most successful mediations.
What I am suggesting is that for those who have reached that moment where change is inevitable, that the marriage is no longer serving them and the family, then, in fact, the devil they know is no longer a comfort to them. It is a matter of time before change becomes self-evident and the next step is taken. What steps they choose to take matters very, very much, and as mediators, we hope that they consider that logical step to be mediation.
I have a quote on my website from my mother, Beverly Laxer: “You get there when you get there and not one minute before.” And mom, I would add one more line to that astute and wise quote: “And no one can get you there but YOU!”
I began with “Better the Devil You Know.” The rest of that expression is “than the Devil You Don’t.” Better to know what it is confronting you and deal with it before it deals with you.
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The combination of quotes from you and your mother are very true, yet “outside forces” constantly badger to just “get over it”. There are many people in this world who can relate to this type of situation, no one knows exactly how you feel or what you need to do for yourself to survive but you.
With change it will happen whether you want it to or not. You need to try and find the courage to either be one step ahead of it, as in to like you say be the author of it, or accept it and be able to improvise and take the next step. It’s never entirely easy but if you can remember that you are worth the fight as an individual it may not be so hard.
Another terrific article with powerful insight! Yes, change is very challenging for us human beings, but it is change that brings opportunity into our lives that never would have otherwise presented itself. In my work as a Life Coach, I am always helping clients to identify what that new opportunity is for them. Your beautiful article is a great tool to encourage them to approach change proactively.