Buddies or Partners – An Anatomy of a Marriage

In the almost ten years that I have been mediating families and couples, my thoughts often go to the nature of marriage – what makes it tick, what makes it tock, what makes it work… or not. Relationships are complex – marriage even more so. Every time I think I’ve come up with a possible answer to this query, another couple walks into my office with their set of issues, problems, complaints and disappointments and I’m back to the drawing board. Then again, I’m not sure there is a singular answer but rather a series of possible answers as to why some marriages prevail and others don’t.

In my continuing fascination and exploration on this topic, life has become my classroom and people are my teachers. Recently, I was on the receiving end of an observation that someone made on the successful marriage of someone close to me.

This couple has been married for 46 years, which is no small feat in and of itself! Marriages can sort of galump along for many, many years in more of a malaise of familiarity than intimacy, so the longevity of a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that the marriage is a “good” one – only that it endured. In this case, it not only endured, but endured through many years of difficulties:

• Serious health issues
• Continued financial hardships
• Moves from house to house
• Internal family upheavals

Through it all, they kept the marriage alive and on track.

Recently, they received news that the wife was diagnosed with stage four cancer – yet another blow. Upon hearing the news, the wife’s niece came to visit them. She, herself, is embroiled in a bitter divorce so her observation of this couple was particularly acute.

The couple has a very traditional marriage with the husband as the main breadwinner and the wife the homemaker. When her uncle came home from work, he arrived with groceries and after greeting everyone, put them all away, straightened up the house, cleaned the litter box and got dinner started. His niece was amazed at this and said as much. He looked at her with surprised curiosity. “Of course, I would do these things,” he said, “she’s my buddy and I have to take care of her.” Wow. “She’s my buddy.”

This got me to thinking about the distinction between being a partner and being a buddy. In marriage, you can be partners without being buddies, but you can’t be buddies without being partners. The differences are huge. In the case of this couple, the husband could have done all of those things that I described when he got home from work from a sense of “duty” as a partner. But he viewed his “partner” as so much more than that. As “buddies,” the partnership mentality morphs into something essential to their marriage. It is a subtle attitude shift that changes his “husbandly responsibility” from one of obligation to one of pure love and commitment to his wife and therefore to the relationship.

Marriage is easy during the “in health” and “for richer” part, but when your buddy is down, it’s more than just the partnership that’s down. Your friend, your companion, your confidante, your love-mate is down. And what a difference that makes. This is where the “in sickness” and “for poorer” marriage vows come into play.

So if the marriage is over, what part of the relationship is still in play? To be continued….

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