Criminal Law is to Show Tunes What Matrimonial Law is to Opera

{3 minutes to read} This title is a prevailing wisdom among judges. It was shared with me by a soon-to-be-retiring matrimonial judge and her peers, many of whom have dealt in both the criminal and matrimonial realms. Another amusing maxim they have is that in court, the criminal clients are bad people at their best but the matrimonial clients are good people at their worst. Just shows — judges have a sense of humor, too.

A colleague of mine who practices both criminal and matrimonial law told me once that he’d rather deal with an armed robbery case than a child custody case. He said armed robbers are nicer people. Ouch!

Why is this? For those of us who practice divorce mediation, the opera analogy seems particularly apt. Operas tend to be dark, heavy, and very, very dramatic. There are a number of clients who come to the mediation table amicably, both agreeing that while the marriage is over, their relationship with each other is not because they have children together. While many others come in with what I call a lot of “heavy-osity” around them, for completely understandable reasons.

For one thing, they are about to embark on a “big unknown.” And this is not to be taken lightly, for it can be and often is daunting. Surrounding this big unknown and complicating it further are layers upon layers of deep-seated, and perhaps unexplored, emotions like disappointment, anger, resentment, and just plain fear.

Unbundling these and sorting through them is our work as mediators. We help our clients get to the core of what they need in order to move on. We are not doing therapy but there is surely a therapeutic component to what we do.

Do our clients sometimes act out, act up, express frustration and anger, jump up and stomp to the door threatening each other with court? Absolutely. Can just anyone handle these outbursts and extreme conflicts? No. It’s not for the faint of heart. But we mediators are trained to do so. And while much of our skill comes from advanced training and continuing education, even more comes from hanging in there with our clients and learning from them. We acquire the skills to stay the course, maintain laser focus, and be the calm in the face of the storm.

In my own practice, I’ve had clients actually say these words to me: “I’m not like this in my real life.” I know. I really do. Verdi doesn’t have anything on us!