Dancing to the Edge

We know that old adage: “Be careful what you ask for because you might get it.” How many of us have lived to see this come true! I see this maxim not so much as a warning, which tends to paralyze us, but more as a caution which makes us stop, think and take things into more careful consideration.  

Rarely does anyone come to the mediation table dancing a jig. Separation and divorce is serious business – very serious business. No matter how much one may feel they have reached the point in their marriage that separating is the only option; no matter how clearly they may feel that it is absolutely the right thing to do; it is still a huge event laden with many weights that need to be measured very carefully.

Even when this difficult work has been done and the “reluctant” spouse agrees to the mediation and hence, the separation, it doesn’t always guarantee that the march to the finish will be a straight line. I’ve had more than a few mediations where the spouse who pressed for the divorce began what I can only call the “dance to the edge,” only to back away at the last minute.

I live near the beach and go there often. I love watching kids as they run to and fro yelling and shouting with delight at the water’s edge. First running to the retreating waves as they withdraw into the ocean’s foamy break and then running away from the advancing tide as it crashes to the shoreline. For children, this is fun. For adults who are contemplating the impending tidal shifts that are about to occur in their lives once their Settlement Agreement has been signed, not so much.

What I mean by “dance to the edge” is that as the mediation is drawing to a successful conclusion, the spouse (who initiated the end of the marriage) may do one or several of the following:

1. Stall the process with seemingly insignificant issues that at the last minute appear to “pop up” and need further deliberation
2. Suddenly become too busy with work/family or other pressing issues to focus attention on completing the process
3. Delay the completion by using the excuse that their “review” attorney has issues with the Agreement and thereby drag their feet with no end or fruitful conclusion in clear sight
4. Stop returning my phone calls and emails – basically disappearing from the face of the earth

I have no judgment about the need to stop, take a breath, rethink, reassess, retreat. Once the work in the mediation has been completed, the step to sign the Settlement Agreement is the last step. And it is a huge step, requiring careful consideration. Better to wait and be sure – than not.