Do You Always Have to Have it Your Way?

Who hasn’t been there at one time or another; caught in a positional web of our own making because of a decision that at the time made perfect sense. But after a while of holding onto it, we realize that it was not such a great idea. Now what? After investing so much energy, not only ardently defending that position, but also making the other person wrong for holding onto their opposing position, we may feel a little (well, maybe a lot) foolish about letting it go. Sound familiar?

So what can we do about getting off our position once we know it’s heading us in the wrong direction? Well, one thing we could do would be to “own it.”  Owning it means:

• Acknowledge it.
• If necessary apologize for it.
• Correct it.
• And then let it go.

Gee – that was easy!

Imagine what would happen if we were actually able to do just that. It could shift the relationship we have with another person to a whole new level. The freedom we experience when we “give it up” is amazing. And the grace it gives the other person to give up their position is often an unexpected bonus, but as with all interactions between people, I know this is easier said than done.

I often see this scenario play out in a mediation. In the ebb and flow of the negotiations, things can get a little heated depending on the topic and the position that people choose to take on it. Some issues are simple and straightforward while others are rife with emotional turmoil. Perhaps the husband who feels that he has “always given in” to his wife, sees his opportunity to hold his ground, although the very thing he is holding his ground about is shifting that same  ground out from under him.

In a mediation I conducted, the issue on the table was child support and how often they wanted to recalculate the amount going forward. Given the current state of our economy, the husband’s job was not immune to the vagaries of the marketplace. In fact, in previous sessions, he had articulated his concerns about his future with the company. His job was precarious at best and although he had several good years of earned income which included generous bonuses, nothing was guaranteed.

During the discussion, I posed a number of ways to consider it and at their request, included some options on the various ways it could be handled. After some debate, the husband insisted that they exchange tax returns every two years despite the wife’s request to exchange every year. The wife remained insistent on the “every year” exchange, and he remained locked in his position to exchange every other year, despite evidence that he could actually be better off doing it the wife’s way.

As she zealously made her case, I could see the conflict play out on his face. He knew that she was right, but could not bring himself to concede the point. Just before the  dialogue was about to devolve, I suggested that we table it “for now” and work on some other issues around the children, coming back to it at a later time. He needed to save face so today was not the day he could acknowledge that she might be right.

I received an email from them a few days later saying that they would exchange the first set of returns in two years and thereafter, exchange every year. A compromise was struck! By allowing him to save face, collect his thoughts and come to his own conclusion out of the spotlight and immediacy of the session, they were able to work things out. Score another win for mediation!

Remember, sometimes having it your own way isn’t necessarily the best way.

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