Expletives Deleted

One of the things I most look forward to is walking at the beach. I have my favorite place on the north shore of Long Island which not only has a spectacular beach with a view of the Connecticut coastline, but also boasts soaring bluffs, a nature preserve, a quiet inlet and a beautiful boardwalk.

A few years ago, I was walking with my sister when I spotted a man sitting on one of the stone benches, facing away from the water, talking on his cell phone. He was dressed in typical beach attire for a summer day: cut offs, a sleeveless t-shirt and flip flops. As we approached him, I noticed a large tattoo on his left arm – the one he was holding to his ear as he spoke on the phone. What I saw imprinted on his arm, stunned me for a moment.

The tattoo read (with the expletive deleted): “F— Y—- MaryAnn.”

My first reaction was, “Talk about wearing your heart on their sleeve!” My sister’s first reaction was: “She must have really broken his heart!”

When I shared this incident with someone else – their thought was that he probably had her name already tattooed on his arm and then when they broke up, rather than laser it off, he added the expletive. Whatever his motivation, it got me thinking about the nature of love and loss, the depths of despair, devastation and heartbreak. To wear it so visibly, to have to explain it and relive it over and over again when someone comments on it – wow!

Obviously, I don’t know what happened here. I don’t know if MaryAnn was his wife or girlfriend. I don’t know if they have children together. I don’t know if they sought couple counseling or not. What I do know, is that it must have been so unbelievably heartrending as to precipitate such a public display of pain and sorrow.

Although we may not be able to mediate matters of the heart per se, the mediation process can often effectuate understanding of ourselves and the role we have played in a romantic partnership. It can foster some modicum of communication and respect for ourselves and our former partner, and most importantly it can help to bring closure to the relationship so we can move on.

I believe this aspect is key to our ultimate well-being and happiness. By bringing closure, we can allow for the pain of the past to dissipate over time and create new possibilities for a future relationship, unfettered by an uncompleted past that drags the old story into the new one where it is condemned to be repeated.