Getting Divorce Right

Couples come to mediators at various stages of their impending separation. One such stage is that they are still living together but have agreed that a separation is imminent and are starting to get their ducks in a row.

Often, they have actually started to enact the agreements that they will formalize in the mediation. While it is more unusual when couples arrive in our office having done much of the work already, it augurs well for the entire family when they are able to do so. Of course, they always have concerns about:

• What they want to do
• What they are already doing
• What they are thinking of doing

And this comes more from the flurry of Greek Choruses out there dispensing advice, mostly from their own negative experiences.

However, here is an example of one couple who got it right despite the admonitions of friends and family. Their instincts were spot on and in the end, they did what they knew was right for their family even before they walked into the mediation.

Patty and Bobby have been married for almost 20 years and have two children, ages 13 and 8. The idea of the separation did not come easily to them but when it finally came, they agreed that they didn’t want to do anything to hurt the other and more importantly, do everything in their power to keep things as normal and regular for the children as possible.

To that end, they knew that they wanted to keep the house for a while so the kids’ lives would not be disrupted. Patty also realized that she would have to be the one to leave the house as Bobby had a lot of emotional investment in the home and moreover, his work schedule was more in keeping with the children’s schedules.

Even before they walked into the mediation, Patty had moved out and signed a lease for an apartment nearby. They were already zigging and zagging with a workable, shared parenting plan and the kids were flourishing.

After she had signed the lease, Patty’s friends were telling her she was nuts to do this. They had her second guessing herself. I asked her how she felt about it and she told me:

• She knew it was the right thing to do.
• She and Bobby were working together to ensure the well-being of the children.
• They were already in agreement about how they were going to divide their assets and debts (equally) and accommodate the monies she laid out for the apartment rental.

Bobby nodded in agreement with all of the above. And so the mediation continued in this beautiful, conscious and positive way.

The moral to the story? As Jiminy Cricket says: “Always let your conscience be your guide.”

Comments from Social Media

Great example of what really happens in mediation. Most couples have had some “kitchen table” agreements, and if them can ignore the “audience effect” of their friends advice, they can continue in mediation to create a constructive outcome! Yes, they need to listen to their own “Jiminy Cricket”! 

Marilyn McKnight 

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Thanks for sharing a virtuous thought. 

Eric K. Johnson

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Great post Ada, thanks for sharing!

Kelley Linn 

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Thanks Ada. This was a good reminder for parents to listen to the intuition! 

Shelly D. Mahon, Ph.D.

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It does happen that clients have essentially resolved things and just need to have the correct language in a Separation Agreement.

Lillian LaRosa