I Don’t Hate Her, She Don’t Hate Me

Could there be sweeter words to a mediator’s ears? I seriously doubt it. These were words said by a client as he and his soon-to-be former spouse were walking out of my office after completing a very successful mediation. This is not to say that this was an uneventful or easy mediation! From the start, the husband made it clear to me and his wife that he did not want the separation. He was here only because this was something she wanted and he wasn’t going to stand in her way.

Remember the old Sear’s TV campaign: “The Softer Side of Sears”? Well, in this case, the husband was a big, burly guy – a real man’s man. He worked in a very machismo industry and appeared to be tough as nails. But once we started talking about the marriage, his kids, the home he provided, the big, burly Teddy Bear emerged and the box of tissues hit the table. He took his wife’s decision very hard and it was heartbreaking to see him falling apart.

Given their situation, I thought this mediation was going to take a long time: Time for the husband to gather his thoughts, allow for the ebb and flow of decision making and ultimately attune to the new reality. But in fact, they completed the process in just 5 sessions, not including the review session!

A few days before the last session, they met at a restaurant and discussed the remaining issues that we were going to address at the next meeting. When they walked into my office, they were ready, not only to pick up where we left off, but they had already resolved all of the issues that I expected to be problematic and time consuming. There was an ease about the way they talked with each other and I could see the affection they had for each other despite the fact that they were sitting in my office to do the last thing the husband ever expected he would be doing.

From the beginning, the one thing they were in total agreement about was the children – sharing time with them, financially supporting them, making sure that the kids had the best of both of them in every way imaginable. When couples start with that as their main priority, it usually bodes well for the way the rest of the mediation will go. The husband was still struggling with the wife’s need to separate and it took some time for him to come to terms with it. Ultimately he did. I  believe their ability to sit down and talk to each other – really talk to each other outside of the mediation room was the key…for them.

We mediators know that once the mediation is complete, the agreements have been made and the contract is signed, the intention to live into the Agreement is critical. For those couples who have children together, we also know that they will have many years of co-parenting ahead of them. How well they get along with each other, at least for the sake of their children’s emotional health and well being is crucial. Mediation provides the venue for this transformation to take place. And, so it did in this case.

“I don’t hate her, she don’t hate me” – indeed!