“I Feel Like a Homeless Person”

{3:18 minutes to read} These were the exact words expressed by a client during a relatively uncomplicated, amicable and straightforward mediation. What was surprising to me when the wife tearfully made this admission, was that this couple was in good financial straits, they were mediating beautifully, they were in agreement about the house, the move, the children… so the fear was completely unfounded. But there it was.

In this case, they were on the same page about so many of the important issues that many other couples tend to argue about:

1. They divided their assets equally with no qualms.
2. The husband had refinanced the house, to which he had a strong emotional attachment, in his own name. He was buying out the wife’s equity so she could purchase her new home – and this was being done even before they signed the Settlement Agreement!
3. They agreed that the husband would be the residential custodial parent with their sons staying in the marital home.
4. In the meantime, she was living in a month-to-month rental apartment until the closing on her house. She was coming back to the marital home to spend a lot of time with the boys, having dinner there most nights during the week.
5. The couple was spending most weekends together as the boys had lots of sports activities and they were both very involved parents.

So why the tears? Why the fears? During one of the last sessions, I looked across the table and saw the wife wiping tears from her eyes. This was unexpected as she was the one who initiated the mediation. She clearly wanted the separation and was not having second thoughts. However, given that:

• she was the one moving out of the marital home,
• the husband was the one with whom the children were going to be living (there is still that veiled stigma of mothers not being the custodial parent), and
• her new home had not yet been purchased,

she was clearly feeling like a ship slipping its moorings. It hit her and it hit her hard.

When I saw the tears, I asked her what was upsetting her, and she said simply: “I feel like a homeless person.” She admitted that she knew this was a crazy notion, but still that’s how it felt to her… at the moment.

It’s not uncommon for baseless fears to emerge while everything is in a state of flux. Until things are firmly settled, there can be, and often is, a feeling of being adrift. But this is not musical chairs, so when the music stops, everyone will have a seat.

Comments from Social Media

I have had this happed as well and it can be difficult for people (especially the wife) as they fell they are being thrown away. My worst was a woman whom seemed to have all her emotions subdued till the final document was handed her. Then she lost it. Till then she was the rock in the room.

Dr. Justin Wood 

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The fears are not exactly “baseless”. At some point in the person’s life, they felt the way they are describing to you now. Emotions are not necessarily a picture of factual reality. The key words are “feel like.”

Sherry Katz, LCSW

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Ada, this is so well-conveyed! It’s a simple concept, yet so many divorce lawyers just don’t get it. The stress of divorce can be overwhelming, regardless of the circumstances, and our clients need our support more than many of us know. Thank you for providing a short but succinct story that illustrates this issue so well!

Joryn Jenkins