Ill Equipped

Before I meet with a new couple, I remind myself that for them, life as they know it is over. Everything that has been routine, understood and tacitly agreed to up until this point – – the good, the bad and the ugly – – will now change in significant and unknown ways. All that has been familiar is now being turned upside down and inside out. It’s difficult enough to acknowledge that the marriage is over. It’s quite another to experience the tectonic shifts that occur once you step into the reality of it.

Knowing something intellectually is one thing. Knowing it in real time, in real ways, physically, emotionally and spiritually, is a whole other thing. When a couple comes in and are somewhat on the same page, the mediations go rather smoothly. If one wants out and the other does not, the mediation can take a little longer to allow the reluctant spouse time to adjust. Sometimes, that spouse cannot, for whatever reasons, accept this new reality. How they behave during the divorce process, once the divorce is over, and the ramifications of this behavior are the subjects of this article.

I was speaking to someone I’d recently met and with whom I’ve developed a lovely friendship. She is divorced with three children (now teenagers). The divorce proceedings were protracted and very expensive. Her life post-divorce was more challenging than she imagined it would be although she saw the handwriting on the wall as things were unfolding. What happened was that her husband basically bailed on her and left her holding the bag financially and emotionally.

She has only now, after 4 years, been able to put things in perspective, forgive and move on. I admire her for that – not everyone who goes through what she did can let go of the bitterness and anger, but she did. She told me that she had come to realize that her former husband was ill equipped to handle the divorce and his post-divorce responsibilities.

“Ill equipped”….I found her take on this fascinating. Now this is not a woman who suffers fools gladly. She is strong, opinionated, knows what’s what and is not the type to give anyone a pass. She had thought long and hard about this and genuinely came to the realization that he simply could not handle whatever hardships he brought upon himself, on her and on the children.

I’m sure she cursed him mightily when she was working several jobs just to keep a roof over their heads, food on the table, gas in the car and manage all the other expenses it takes to raise children on your own. But she eventually let him off the hook. And whether she did this to have peace in her own heart – – because as we all know, we are the ones who suffer when we carry the burden of anger – – or she truly forgave him his misdeeds and transgressions, understanding his limitations whether real or imagined…. only she knows.

She did tell me that her decision to forgive took 4 long years and like any bad habit, has its backsliding moments. But she also said that for her, forgiveness IS the magic pill against bitterness and a gift that keeps on giving.

All I know is that it took a lot of grit and guts to go through what she went through. And even more to arrive on the other side of it and let them BOTH off the hook. Actually it takes more than grit and guts to do that. It takes courage and heart to set them both free.