Is Retirement the New Empty Nest?

There was a time not too long ago, when the kids turned 18 and “flew the coop” so to speak. This was considered “empty nest syndrome” meaning that the last of the children went off to college, married, or got a full time job and moved out of the family home . . . for good. Times have changed a bit. With the economy being what it is, children now rarely leave the nest at 18 and in fact, often move back in after college!

But at some point, they do go. And once that happens and all the distractions of raising a family are behind them, it’s not uncommon for couples to consciously or unconsciously reassess their marriage and in particular, where they stand with each other, now that it’s just them. Some may realize that they have been drifting apart for some time and it’s too late to find their way back to each other. If what they once had is no longer there and the prospect of trying to regain it is either too daunting or they have emotionally moved away from each other, this may precipitate the end of the marriage.

Retirement age may be becoming the new “empty nest” syndrome. For couples who are on the eve of, or who have recently retired, the reality dawns that their work life is over, the kids are long gone and they have all this time ahead of them. This can trigger a reassessment of the marriage in the same way that the “empty nest” once did.

What differentiates retirement, from the empty nest, is that couples discover they actually want very different things in their retirement, and perhaps for the rest of their lives! With 60 being the new 40, those who are able to retire consider themselves young, vital and ready for the next phase of life. Unencumbered by those past obligations, they now have time to pursue the dreams and desires they had put on hold while raising a family and working.

• But what if one wants to spend time fishing and the other wants to travel?
• What if one wants to spend time with the grandchildren and the other wants to play golf?
• What if one wants to go back to college to pursue that degree in archeology, then travel the world on digs and the other just wants to relax and see what life brings?

I’ve worked with several couples for whom these situations occurred. They love each other, but they each want to have what they long for and cannot find a way to compromise given that their respective needs are so diverse. There is a wonderful line from the show Fiddler on the Roof: “A bird could love a fish, but where would they live?” And so for these couples on the eve of the next phase of their lives . . . that is the question.

Couples in this situation are ripe for mediation. This is the arena in which to work together – to ensure that at the very least, the financials are worked out so that they are each free to follow their dreams – follow them and yet still remain good to each other as friends, parents, grandparents and beyond.