Pre-Cana – Epilogue Part 1

As I mentioned in my previous articles on Pre-Cana, I was invited to speak at a Pre-Cana class in January and I finally had that privilege on January 12th. There were five couples attending the class, plus a married couple, my friend (who invited me) and the priest, all of whom conducted the course.

Originally, I thought I was going to have the whole morning to make my presentation, but I found out the week before, that I would only have one hour. With this condensed amount of time, I re-worked my presentation to consolidate what I wanted to share and offered it in a sort of “Top 10” that I hoped would be helpful. For blogging purposes, I’ve divided the list in two, so the following “Top 5” consists of the collected wisdom of people with good marriages, people who had bad marriages, and my perspective as a divorce mediator:

1. Communication/Negotiation:

As Dr. Phil says, “Life is a negotiation.” And marriage is an ongoing negotiation. Open communication is key! No holds barred – honesty, no withholding, no secret keeping. Of course, we want to be sensitive to timing and wait until the “charge” is off the issue before discussing it. Lack of good communication often translates to a lack of intimacy and that can be the beginning of the decline for any marriage.

2. Know what your “non-negotiables” are and get them out on the table right away:

If you want children and your intended does not or if you want 3 children and your intended only wants one… well, you know where this is headed. Better to discuss these big issues and settle them now. Chances are neither of you is going to change your mind.

3. Sharing values:

You don’t have to see eye to eye on everything. In fact, that can often lead to boredom. Differences can bring excitement and open your mind to new experiences. But when it comes to the big ticket items: family, friends, charity, money, social engagements – better to discuss and negotiate how you will manage your differences without rancor and resentment.

4. You are not going to change/fix your intended spouse: 

This is huge! Take a look at them and be sure that you love them for all the things they are and all the things they’re not, because this is it. Nagging, threatening, begging and pleading – forget it. Remember the quote from Robert Heinlein: “Never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig.”

5. Money:

This falls under a similar category to sharing values, but I put it in its own classification because this is a biggie. You want to be sure you’re on the same page with each other on this very important item. First, money comes and money goes, so you need to start with agreements about it, and know that it will be an on-going negotiation over the length of your marriage. Money is dynamic and so is your relationship to it. Making agreements early on and checking in along the way is the best way to keep the lines of communication open and your marriage a financially healthy one.

Part Two of this Epilogue will cover the remaining points that I made to the class.