Pre-Cana – Epilogue Part 2

In Part 1 of the Pre-Cana – Epilogue, I covered the first 5 points of the “Top 10” that I delivered to the class that I spoke to on January 12th. This blog discusses the remaining 5 points from that event. As with the first 5, these points consist of the collected wisdom of people with good marriages, people who had bad marriages, and my perspective as a divorce mediator:

6. Buddy vs. Partnership:

I explored this in one of my articles and I think it bears repeating here. If you start off as friends first, you have a better chance of weathering the storms of life together. Lust, sex, and excitement ebb and flow over time, but if you truly care about each other as true friends, then the intimacy will be there to see you through the tough times. And there will be tough times!

7. The evolution of the self and its influence on marriage:  

No one stays the same forever – thankfully! But if we expect that nothing and nobody will change, we set ourselves up for a fall. We, as human beings do change.

• We want different things at different times in our lives.
• We need to continue to challenge ourselves.
• We explore new career options.
• We may experience an illness that sets us off one course and onto another.

When one person “changes”, it affects the whole relationship. Allowing ourselves to be positively influenced by a change is often good for a marriage. But if one person remains fixed and will not/cannot change, it can be an issue. Attitude is everything. You want to be as sure as you can that your intended spouse has the ability to go with the flow. More importantly, you want them to see life’s changes as a positive thing and to support and encourage it without being threatened by it.

8. Children:

Give yourselves time to be a married couple first before introducing children into your relationship. No matter how long you may have known each other, taking time to be a couple, and establishing the firm foundation upon which to build a family can be the most important thing you do. Children do not save a marriage. In fact, they can often distract your relationship, introduce conflict of values, produce unresolved past issues you may have with your own family upbringing, etc. You want to bring children into an emotionally healthy and loving marriage. Work things out together before you introduce them into your relationship.

9. No one is here to make you happy:  

Your intended spouse was not put on this earth to make you happy, complete you, fill a void, or make things better for you. You need to bring 100% of your whole self to the marriage and then some. Expecting that someone will “do it for you” is setting yourself up for a disappointment of the first order as well as setting your spouse up for resentment and the ultimate failure of your relationship.

10. Get professional help:  

If you find that, for whatever reason, your marriage is floundering and you don’t know what to do – get help! AND don’t go to friends, family or co-workers, because you can’t put the genie back into the bottle. Once you and your spouse ultimately work things out, these people are left with bad feelings toward one of you, which is unfair to everyone.

It’s a private matter and no one’s business but yours. There are plenty of professionals out there – ministers, priests, rabbis, couple counselors, therapists, etc. Avail yourselves of their services. You will be better for it.