Separation Partners

I know this title may seem like an oxymoron of the first order, but really – it’s not. In my last article (Buddies or Partners – An Anatomy of a Marriage), I shared my musings about the distinction between being partners vs buddies in a marriage. While you can be partners in any relationship, not just a marriage, without being buddies, it’s almost impossible to be buddies without being partners.

So what happens in a post-separation world? If you have children together, your relationship will continue for many, many, many years into the future. That relationship will be a partnership by dint of the collaboration you will automatically be engaged in as co-parents to your children.

Partners don’t necessarily have to like each other, although it helps. They don’t even have to quite see eye to eye on things, although that helps too. What partners do have to do is make agreements with each other about how and what they are going to do or not do, and stick to them. This way there is no misunderstanding about what the expectations are in this collaboration. I’ve quoted Dr. Phil before and I’ll do it again here: “life is a negotiation.” If we think about things in this way, it takes the emotion out of the situation and helps to put the focus on the needs and requirements, not on the backstory per se.

If mediation has taught me anything, it is to understand the ever-evolving nature of relationships that are in conflict and methods to assist the parties in figuring out a way to coexist without rancor and bitterness once they find their way out of the marriage relationship. It’s rewarding when a couple is open to seeing how they can transform the marriage partnership, at the very least, into a parenting partnership. I know their children will thank them for it!

To bring back the distinction between buddies vs partners (from my previous article), in some ways the transition to the new reality is easier if the marriage was mainly a partnership arrangement. The emotional connection was never completely there so the way out can be a bit cleaner. This lack of emotional connection can occur if it’s a long-term marriage and the couple started moving apart little by little over the years. Or they may have stayed together for the sake of the children, for example, with both of them knowing that as soon as the kids were up and out of the house, they would put closure to the marriage as they knew it and move on.

But if the marriage was born out of a buddy-ship, then the emotional component is much deeper and therefore the separation is rife with more than the “how to” of moving on. This emotional transition is where therapists, couple counselors and child psychologists can really assist. What we focus on in the mediation is how to “partner up” when it comes to the needs and best interests of the children. Even if the couple is still “uptight” with each other, the attention on helping the children through the transition is enough for them to take a deep breath and keep the focal point on something in which they have a mutual investment – their children.
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