Separation/Divorce: Mediation – How long is this going to take?

I am often asked this question by potential clients during my initial intake. People know that mediation is a more streamlined process than a litigated divorce but they really have no idea of the time table for completion.

• How many sessions?
• How long are the sessions?
• Do we meet every week?
• Will it take a few months, six months, longer?

There is no standard timeline for completing mediation because the timeline depends on any number of things, not the least of which is the couple’s ability to work together not only during the sessions but outside the mediation room as well. I would say that on average it takes three to five 1-1 ½ hour sessions for couples with children. Couples with short term marriages or no children most likely can complete the mediation in one or two sessions.

That said, what I have found interesting over the years is that each couple has an instinctive time frame within which the mediation process progresses. It is a kind of natural progression and the pace that is set for all the financial, emotional and spiritual components to come together is very specific and different for each couple. The following are two examples of this phenomenon.

Couple 1

A couple started their mediation in June of 2010. There were a number of difficult issues including the fact that the wife was trying desperately to hold onto the house which had been in her family for several generations. Money was extremely tight and no matter how they turned and twisted the finances, it was becoming increasingly apparent that she had to let the house go. At the same time, the husband was facing a job transition.

We had the first two mediations within one month, then they took a break for five months. When they came back, we worked together for the next few months and then took another break for 8 months. They returned just recently.

The transformation that occurred was really remarkable to observe. First of all, the husband, who had moved out of the house early in the mediation, gladly provided the wife with the required child support. And, because he understood that she needed time to wrap her head around the eventual loss of the house, he also helped her to pay the mortgage and bills for the house during their hiatus from the mediation. They had worked out a parenting plan during the early mediation sessions and all continued to go well on that score.

When they came back to see me recently, they were both in great spirits. In fact, when I opened the door to the waiting room, they were amiably chatting about their two boys and sharing a laugh about the antics of one of them. In the interim, they had sold the house and split the net sale proceeds. The wife was now in a new committed relationship. She was happy and her husband was happy for her. As a result, the boys were doing very well too.

In this case, one could say that the mediation took a year and a half to complete. They had only seven mediation sessions, but the non-adversarial process of mediation allowed them to work together outside of the sessions and get the really important work done with each other before they came to see me for the final session. Having experienced the give and take nature of the process during their seven sessions, they were able to work together in a mutually beneficial way.

Couple 2

I had another mediation that one would expect to have been done very quickly. When the parties came to see me they had been married for only nine months. The first session was really the only one that was needed and in less than an hour, I had most of the information required to begin drafting the Memorandum of Understanding. All that was required was some additional documentation and clarification on some of the issues we had discussed together.

They were going to email me the remaining information, and there were a few emails over the next couple of months, but neither of them fully complied with my requests. After several emails and a call from the wife, it became clear to me that although the mediation itself was quick, connecting the heart with the mind took a bit more time.

What I found fascinating was a question the wife asked when the first session was concluded. She looked at me and said: “That’s it?” It was hard for her to fathom, after all the hoopla of the wedding plans and the first months of marriage, that when the marriage fell apart, the ending was so fast.

I often tell my couples that: “Getting married is easy, getting unmarried is uneasy.” And here is an example of how the dissolution of a marriage can take time no matter how short it was. This couple has not yet completed the mediation.

So the answer to the question – “how long will this take” is different for every couple and family. Some couples are on the same page, move things quickly and get it done. Others need time to allow the heart, mind and perhaps finances to connect. Mediation puts the control in the hands of the parties and lets them set the pace and timetable that works best for them.

The mediation process permits the parties to take whatever time they need to think things through in a way that will allow them to make the transition from being married to being separated with dignity and respect.